"There have been substantial floods. But nothing that has covered mountains (well, certainly not since humans evolved)." - A charming statement of faith! What is your proof?
On the topic of rain and the flood - the Bible indicates that rain was not the only source of water. Genesis 7:11 states that "the fountains of were opened", which seems to indicate some sort of violent geologic upheaval, possibly volcanic and/or tectonic. It also seems to imply that some underground source of water was tapped.
"firstly, Genesis is a laugh and a half. It doesn't even agree with itself from chapter to chapter and looks like it was written by a two year old :P" - This comment shows a common type of non-argument called 'mud-slinging'. If you would bring examples of disrepancies, I would be glad to address them.
"Their experiences have nothing to do with the texts they've written"-Now how is that possible?
"firstly, Genesis is a laugh and a half. It doesn't even agree with itself from chapter to chapter and looks like it was written by a two year old :P" I don't intend to take Genesis as literal or as consistent. I think the most important part is what the author feels conveyed to give. In Genesis, what was important to the author was the relationship between the natural and spiritual role of man; it was never intended to be a historical account.
"To reconcile the "seeming differences" you'd have to insist that the same account was re-written multiple times to sound different for no apparent reason as translation and the fact so many "creation stories" exist seem to point otherwise"-Of course, it is not in my interest to reconcile accounts that were illustrations of what the author wanted to convey. What I would be interested in, would be to uphold the validity of consistency, etc. of the Bible on doctrinal matters.