2826-4000 Worst Things To Do While Playing Chess

Hairy gorillas don't die; ain't nuttin' wrong with dem! All day need is a haircut, boy; I say, all day need is a haircut...

All righty then; I've got one for you...

Why is it so dangerous to play chess out in the middle of the ocean?

Answer: Your opponent could squirt you with his squirt gun full of the juice of naval oranges. (Get it? Naval, instead of navel??)

Orange you gonna swim away from there after that?  

Orangalutely.

Absoorangely! The chess players are lost at sea? Did they
drown? Absoorangely! Did the naval oranges get them?
Orangalutely! 

A cool sunny morning;
Pouring orange juice
The sound of the foam
 

Ding Dongs, whole chicken, 
orange juice - with Calcium
"Yes, gals... I'm single!" 

We are all OJ
fears, loves, fleeting impulses
these make up our pulp 

Orange juice orange juice is
a good thing to drink if you're
alone and crying 

T-Rex spilt OJ
he was a naughty T-Rex
green piss was wrong hue

3028. Having T-Rex shouting advice in your ear when you are trying to play a 2/1 bullet game against Twighead. He's supposed to be asleep in the phone book at this hour!  (T-Rex, that is, not Twighead...) For the record Twighead +1, ChessPlayinDude47 + 0, T-Rex - -1.  T-Rex wouldn't even send comments in the dialog box during our game! Twighead, gg! (meaning got gooey: my moves got too gooey and I succumbed to the clock and maybe a few hung pieces there...). I kept having to leave the room to go get him some dino-biscuits and Worcestershire sauce, little did you know...

ORANJE-BOOM! That's who... As I drink my - BOOM! - Oranjeboom juice for breakfast! BOOM!

Wha? You're covered in silence?! That sounds absolutely delicious. BOOM! Have you tried licking it? What say then I have some S-Car-Go with some smoked dill and nettles' weeds - BOOM! - when I speed up to meat you, and greet you, and delete you, and when I cannot find you, seat you? See Chu... See Chu... See Chu... See Chu... See-through... See-through...
BOOM! 

Wow, I'm sure that story is just nuts, but squirrel too.

Anyhow, I've been feeling my earlobes a lot today, and I really just gotta tell you all, they're feeling very shapely and nice. I just keep grabbing and tugging on the lobule, especially!

3029. Revealing TLI (too little information) - for instance, I'm not saying anything else about my earlobes, but they do really feel great right now! I'm mean, they feel truly excellent. Especially when I squeeze on them just a little bit. Supple, yet firm; juicy, yet dedicated... if I had more time, I could tell you more about them; I'm very sorry about this, peephole.

3030. Realizing we're almost at 15,805! Yes, I can still feel it now!

 "I dunno; I'm not feelin' it, Bro! I'm not feelin' it..."

(he's as numb as a pot dog right now...)

Hey, y'alls! Yaap, play f3. 

As we can see here from this visual representation, with f3 we control the a8-h1 diagonal beautifully and there is a balance in our play; furthermore, with f3, there's very little mustard leakage:

If Twighead had only played 1. f3 in our bullet game last night, he would have probably beaten me in about, oh, f3 moves, instead of f65 moves...

63 Pinellas cold eh?

OH WATT A STORY! OH WATT A SOREY! OH QUAT A STORY! OH KUMQUAT AND STORY! GRAMER IS GRATE! THERES ONLEY 1ONE THINK YOU NEEED TWO NO ABOUT GRAMER, TWIGHEAD = USE CAPITAL LEEEEEEEEEEETERS!

3031a. Playing a coofball when you could be playing a goofball.
3031b. Playing a goofball when you could be playing a coofball.
3032a. Playing both a coofball and a goofball in a simul.
3032b. Playing both a goofball and a coofball in a simul.
3033. Playing ball in a simul. 

3035a. Playing a cornball when you could be playing a coofball or a goofball.
3035b. Not playing a goofball or the viola, because you might be playing a cornball or a coofball.
3035c. Playing a cornet and a viola with a ball-end C string simultaneously, while playing a cornball, a coofball, and a goofball in a chess simul. 

 "Here's lookin' at you, King's Indian Defense. Hey, I don't KID around."

 "Here's looking' at you Queen's Indian Defense. Hey, I don't QID around either."
 "I put a cockroach on yo tongue, girl. See what you do... You pull a Nicolas Cage
so fast, woman, so fast..." 

3035d. Popping your opponent's coofballs or goofballs during the match.

3035e. Eating your opponent's coofballs or goofballs during the match.

 "Why this is just the tastiest coofball I think I've had ever since I got to meet Cpt. Crunch!"
 "Exit the vehicle immediately, with the coofballs intact, sir, and with your hands and balls where we can see them!"
"Oh, my! This cop just wants to ballther me all day long."
"It's no ballther, it's a citation..." 

ASAP f3! ASAP f3! ASAP f3! ASAP f3! ASAP f3! ASAP f3! ASAP f3! ASAP f3! 
ASAP f3! ASAP f3! ASAP f3! ASAP f3! ASAP f3! ASAP f3! ASAP f3! ASAP f3! 
ASAP f3! ASAP f3! ASAP f3! ASAP f3! ASAP f3! ASAP f3! ASAP f3! ASAP f3! 

Seems to me it's all the Saemisch-type stuff going on here, time after time... hey, it's all the Saemisch to me.

What's wutzer than 9+10? Yer spieling! Weill, at leest u caan still add nummers. Wutz 9+10? 22! UC, I can addah 2?

3036. Lassoing your opponent's knights when you capture them instead of simply detonating them.

Heyz guyz! 

Meet me in the ski lodge room for some sopapillas at 20:00.

Don't be late and don't be great.

Cheery adioses,
Your fan, your Dude 4 LOLz,
ChezzPD47 

3037. Eating sopapillas in the bathroom because you think they are dump-filled blintzes while your opponent is stealing all the chess pieces.

3038. Taking a hairy gorilla to Great Clips for Hair because he beat you in a game of chess - take him to Super Gorilla Cuts instead...

3038a. Taking a hairy gorilla to Great Clips for T-Rexes. T-Rexes don't have hair, silly rabbit!