Chess Jokes

Joke told from Jose Raul Capablanca's perspective: 

"I was playing in a tournament in germany one year when a man approached me. Thinking he just wanted an autograph, I reached for my pen, when the man made a startling announcement. 'I've solved chess!' I sensibly started to back away, in case the man was dangerous as well as insane, but the man continued: 'I'll bet you 1000 marks that if you come back to my hotel room I can prove it to you.' Well, 1000 marks was 1000 marks, so I humored the fellow and accompanied him to his room."

"Back at the room, we sat down at his chess board. 'I've worked it all out, white mates in 12 no matter what.' I played black with perhaps a bit incautiously, but I found to my horror that white's pieces coordinated very strangely, and that I was going to be mated on the 12th move!"

"I tried again, and I played a completely different opening that couldn't possibly result in such a position, but after a series of very queer-looking moves, once again I found my king surrounded, with mate to fall on the 12th move. I asked the man to wait while I ran downstairs and fetched Emmanuel Lasker, who was world champion before me. He was extremely skeptical, but agreed to at least come and play. Along the way we snagged Alekhine, who was then world champion, and the three of us ran back up to the room."

"Lasker took no chances, but played as cautiously as could be, yet after a bizarre, pointless-looking series of maneuvers, found himself hemmed in a mating net from which there was no escape. Alekhine tried his hand, too, but all to no avail."

"It was awful! Here we were, the finest players in the world, men who had devoted our very lives to the game, and it was all over! The tournaments, the matches, everything - chess had been solved, white wins."

About this time Capa's friends would break in, saying "Wait a minute, I never heard anything about all this! What happened?"

"Why, we killed him, of course."

These are all great.  I really liked the Demetri Martin quote.  But what's J'adoube mean?

I like that one mossman

J'adoube means to adjour a game

yeah, my grandfather told me that capablanca one.  It's pretty funny.

J'adoube means "I Adjust" in french.  You say it when you are just adjusting a piece and are not planning on moving it.

  These are all very good.

o0obruceleeo0o wrote: J'adoube means "I Adjust" in french.  You say it when you are just adjusting a piece and are not planning on moving it.

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Oh yeah he is right sorry for the mix up

dimetri martin wasnt the first to tell that joke...

 

 "A computer beat me in chess, but it was no match when it came to
    kickboxing" - Emo Philips

 

haha, always cracked me up. 

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 I don't get it

What do you mean best moves? Was the move he was forced to make the best move? Or just good for pointing out the rules? :/

Great jokes all round however :D

amusing

the kasparov joke was tyt

Nice...

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Online-chess-addicts/184199688326248 plz like this page

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TOP TEN Moments when you should sense danger in chess:
10. There has been a change in the pawn structure. Your opponent has eight and you don’t have any.
9. Your opponent begins to throw pawns at your eyes.
8. You have a position won, but your opponent has a gun.
7. The Director tells you not to bother turning in your score sheet after the game.
6. Before the game begins you notice your opponent’s first initials are GM.
5. After completing your development you sense your opponent is playing the endgame.
4. Just as you make your opening move your opponent announces mate in 11.
3. You don’t control any squares at all.
2. Your draw offer sends all the people watching your game into uncontrollable laughter.
1. Your opponent has three bishops. ;)

A gentleman must play a game of chess with a blind person, he proposes to the blind person: "As him cannot see he will grant an advantage to him as part of the deal. We will not play in equality of conditions." "This sound really fair" replied the Blind Person. Then he asks the gentleman: "When?" "Very well", the other men responded to him "any night that you prefer."

erixoltan wrote: deepak19921993 wrote: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Online-chess-addicts/184199688326248 plz like this page Lolz I literally laughed my head off! TOP TEN Moments when you should sense danger in chess: 10. There has been a change in the pawn structure. Your opponent has eight and you don’t have any. 9. Your opponent begins to throw pawns at your eyes. 8. You have a position won, but your opponent has a gun. 7. The Director tells you not to bother turning in your score sheet after the game. 6. Before the game begins you notice your opponent’s first initials are GM. 5. After completing your development you sense your opponent is playing the endgame. 4. Just as you make your opening move your opponent announces mate in 11. 3. You don’t control any squares at all. 2. Your draw offer sends all the people watching your game into uncontrollable laughter. 1. Your opponent has three bishops. ;)

In honor of the original Star Wars movie, I would like to add the following to the top 10 list of reasons to sense danger in chess: 

11. You have just captured the opponent's Queen, but your opponent is a Wookiee. 

 HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH

TEEHEEETEEHEEETEEHEETEEHEE