Pawns Can't Move Backwards?

So, I recently discovered that pawns can't move backwards! This is shocking, because now my whole opening repetoire is destroyed!

These are my starting moves against any black setup:

I'm impressed. Did you think of that all by yourself?

Following by:

9. a0
10. b0
11. c0
12. d0
13. e0
14. f0
15. g0
16. h0

I moved it backwards and it twinkled out of existence.

uhh...

you kinda killed your king in the process

see, you guys see the power of this opening! I think my opponents are just frustrated at me when they get up and call for the td....weaklings

I don't get it. How is this supposed to work? What were you thinking?! 

Interesting, how was it done?

First, I would take my useless first rank piece, fling it aside, pick up my pawn, and place it on the empty square.