You sweat so much while playing that you left a pool on the chair at your local chess club. Now they make you wear adult diapers convinced that you had wet yourself. In fact one time you did wet yourself when you thought you had a mate in 12.
It's a medical condition and it's not funny, why do you insist on handi-bashing the bladder impaired?
You sweat so much while playing that you left a pool on the chair at your local chess club. Now they make you wear adult diapers convinced that you had wet yourself. In fact one time you did wet yourself when you thought you had a mate in 12.
It's a medical condition and it's not funny, why do you insist on handi-bashing the bladder impaired?
Which one is the medical condition, sweating or getting so excited that you wet yourself after seeing a mate in 12? I mean who wouldn't?
You roll your 20-sided dice and say "pawn attacks e4 square for 8 hitpoint of damage".
Wouldn't that be an interesting way to play? To capture an opponents piece, both players roll dice and if the one making the move has a higher roll, he gets to make that move. If he has a lower roll, he doesn't win the piece and forfeits the move.
I sometimes play chess with someone i know at work. Here are a few that actually apply to him:
youve fallen victim to scholars mate
as white, youve played the line 1. h3?...e5 2. f3??-finding a whole new exciting way to be mated in 4
you never push your pawns 2 spaces foward because its "a little bold" to put your pawns in the center of the board
you spend almost every game with at least one bishop sitting on its starting square the whole game being blocked in by pawns
your queen is always the 1st piece you move
when you lose a piece tactically you refer to it as "a cheap trick"
when you lose you sometimes refer to chess as "a game of luck"
when you found out your opponent was an atheist you broke the cross off of his kings head!(and it was his own chess set too)
you refuse to take the advice of stronger players because you actually call yourself "a genius"
your opponent has to announce check everytime otherwise you may make an illegal move
you dont know how en passant works, or queenside castling
while your opponents working on a mating attack your defending by trying to take as many undefended pawns as possible
1- you're opening repetoire with white is Qf3 Bc4 and if mate on f7 didnt work that way, you're lost ur track.
2-you make stupid moves and get mated and say oh that don't work after all, and next game you do same moves, maybe this new player doesn't know it.
3-you basically love to move ur queen much.
4-your favorate move is pinning the knight to the queen with Bg4
5-sometimes you forget the name of the game
6-you hire top classes coaches and complain to ur father when ur coach sacs the queen and mates you, since the queen is ur favourate piece.
7-you think pawns are there by mistake and shouldn't be on the chess board to begin with.
8-u only win when u use an engine
9-u play chess bcz u heard its the game smart ppl play and u wanna be called smart one
10-ur king is less important than ur other pieces except pawns
You roll your 20-sided dice and say "pawn attacks e4 square for 8 hitpoint of damage".
Wouldn't that be an interesting way to play? To capture an opponents piece, both players roll dice and if the one making the move has a higher roll, he gets to make that move. If he has a lower roll, he doesn't win the piece and forfeits the move.
Good idea.
I would have a chance of beating the top chess players this way.
Reading through this thread there is indeed quite a lot of stuff that makes me a bad chess player!
- My opponent refers to me as NN.
- I play long strings of theory despite not having a clue what is going on in the game.
- I mix up e3 and e6, d3 and d6, c4 and f4, c5 and f5, c3 and c6 etc
- I have at least 4 chess books I haven't looked at yet
- I have lost games and my rating still went up.
- I enjoy debating whether bishops or knights are better.
- My opponent starts giggling after ten moves and after twelve moves I'm down a piece
- Everyone laughs when I offer a draw.
- I aspire to be considered a patzer.
- I think doubled pawns are twice as good (well, sometimes! )
- My idea of "opening preparation" is setting the pieces up on the right squares.
- The 7 year old I'm playing against begins to give me pointers.
- My long term strategy involves capturing any pieces that I can.
- I still think two dimensional chess is hard.
- I resign because they took my favorite pawn.
- I get checkmated in 1 move.
- My "surprise move" gets me checkmated.
- My flag refuses to move out of the fallen position before the game.
- My opponent offers me a draw on the first move of the game and I accept it.
- I have a "don't ask don't tell" rule for my rating.
- I play Nc3 in responce to the Alekhine.
- I fold on my first turn.
Last but not least:
I read through this entire thread to make sure I'm not doing anything that would make me a bad chess player.
+1
I sometimes play chess with someone i know at work. Here are a few that actually apply to him:
youve fallen victim to scholars mate
as white, youve played the line 1. h3?...e5 2. f3??-finding a whole new exciting way to be mated in 4
you never push your pawns 2 spaces foward because its "a little bold" to put your pawns in the center of the board
you spend almost every game with at least one bishop sitting on its starting square the whole game being blocked in by pawns
your queen is always the 1st piece you move
when you lose a piece tactically you refer to it as "a cheap trick"
when you lose you sometimes refer to chess as "a game of luck"
when you found out your opponent was an atheist you broke the cross off of his kings head!(and it was his own chess set too)
you refuse to take the advice of stronger players because you actually call yourself "a genius"
your opponent has to announce check everytime otherwise you may make an illegal move
you dont know how en passant works, or queenside castling
while your opponents working on a mating attack your defending by trying to take as many undefended pawns as possible
+1
1- you're opening repetoire with white is Qf3 Bc4 and if mate on f7 didnt work that way, you're lost ur track.
2-you make stupid moves and get mated and say oh that don't work after all, and next game you do same moves, maybe this new player doesn't know it.
3-you basically love to move ur queen much.
4-your favorate move is pinning the knight to the queen with Bg4
5-sometimes you forget the name of the game
6-you hire top classes coaches and complain to ur father when ur coach sacs the queen and mates you, since the queen is ur favourate piece.
7-you think pawns are there by mistake and shouldn't be on the chess board to begin with.
8-u only win when u use an engine
9-u play chess bcz u heard its the game smart ppl play and u wanna be called smart one
10-ur king is less important than ur other pieces except pawns
+1
That's hilarious! I thought that my methods of playing chess were a private secret,
but I guess not.
Reading through this thread there is indeed quite a lot of stuff that makes me a bad chess player!
- My opponent refers to me as NN.
- I play long strings of theory despite not having a clue what is going on in the game.
- I mix up e3 and e6, d3 and d6, c4 and f4, c5 and f5, c3 and c6 etc
- I have at least 4 chess books I haven't looked at yet
- I have lost games and my rating still went up.
- I enjoy debating whether bishops or knights are better.
- My opponent starts giggling after ten moves and after twelve moves I'm down a piece
- Everyone laughs when I offer a draw.
- I aspire to be considered a patzer.
- I think doubled pawns are twice as good (well, sometimes! )
- My idea of "opening preparation" is setting the pieces up on the right squares.
- The 7 year old I'm playing against begins to give me pointers.
- My long term strategy involves capturing any pieces that I can.
- I still think two dimensional chess is hard.
- I resign because they took my favorite pawn.
- I get checkmated in 1 move.
- My "surprise move" gets me checkmated.
- My flag refuses to move out of the fallen position before the game.
- My opponent offers me a draw on the first move of the game and I accept it.
- I have a "don't ask don't tell" rule for my rating.
- I play Nc3 in responce to the Alekhine.
- I fold on my first turn.
Last but not least:
I read through this entire thread to make sure I'm not doing anything that would make me a bad chess player.
+1
+1
When you call the game "chest" instead of "chess."
[As if there haven't been enough not quite funny posts already]
...you think you play better when you're drunk/half asleep/playing bullet
When you play most of a game and someone tells you "White square to the right".
When you refer to it as a horse or horsey.
When you play a simultaneous exhibition against 20 people and lose every game except one against your mother and a player who got bored and walked away half way through.
[This is a true story. Seriously.]
when you draw after 269 moves (true story){ and only because of the then 100 move rule}
When you play a simultaneous exhibition against 20 people and lose every game except one against your mother and a player who got bored and walked away half way through.
[This is a true story. Seriously.]
Who pulled that off? When I was in elementary school, the leader of my chess club brought in a chess expert once a year. I think his name was Neil Gleason. The chess club adult called him a GM, but he only reached expert level. No big deal, anything to make the kids aspire to get better.
Anyway, he played simultaneous games with us the day he came in, once a year. I was the only one that managed to actually play with him, although I ended up losing each time. He invited me to join the chess club HE ran, at the local high school. I went a few times but had to stop going unfortunately.
When you play a simultaneous exhibition against 20 people and lose every game except one against your mother and a player who got bored and walked away half way through.
[This is a true story. Seriously.]
I think maybe your mother didn't want you to feel bad ;)
When you play a simultaneous exhibition against 20 people and lose every game except one against your mother and a player who got bored and walked away half way through.
[This is a true story. Seriously.]
I think maybe your mother didn't want you to feel bad ;)
I knew someone would make that inference. 
Sadly I can't claim this achievement, see this article.
You sweat so much while playing that you left a pool on the chair at your local chess club. Now they make you wear adult diapers convinced that you had wet yourself. In fact one time you did wet yourself when you thought you had a mate in 12.