10 things that will happen if you play chess with someone who doesn't know how.

They will play the accelerated Parham

And claim it beats everything.

They move their king back and forth 3 times and claim 3 move repetition.

they castle kingside and put the rook on e1 and king on h1. 

You knock over your king accidently reaching for a piece and they claim a win because you resigned.

They claim an illegal move when you castle queenside.

Bishops change colors as they move along the diagonal

Knight suddenly move in strange L shapes. both bigger and smaller. 

They claim winning chances with a bare king

They have or know someone that has a secret opening that can beat anyone.

They have never lost a game before.

true stories! Coaching kids I have heard all these and more. 

Tim beau...lighten up mate...just a bit of fun!

You'll feel bad after a few games of killing them and let them win.

hmm..

They will insist that they have seen someone checkmate with only a king and bishop and will gladly try for hours to create such a mate.

They will think rook=queen

+1

lol, yeah, that sounds like beginner chess kids :)