Eventually, you'll have to learn an opening that isn't only fit to mate idiots.
Do you use the four move checkmate alot?

Ive never even managed to pull off a scholars mate, not even when i was teaching my 9 year old niece how to play. There are so many random moves that block it for black it really isnt a high probability thing

It is used in many grandmaster games. For example:
and last year's classic:
And who can forget the great games of the 19th century!

It is used in many grandmaster games. For example:
and last year's classic:
You sound reminiscent of those TV commercials that pawn off collections of old rock classics. You hear the rock tune and the announcer is saying.."and who can forget this old piece of crap.." etc. Classic.

It is so cool to see how Zukertort still used the 19th century defense 2...d6, while Kramnik tried to develop with tempo 2...Nf6 attacking the e4-pawn according to more modern principles. Too bad he lost to Anand's theoretical novelty 3.Qh5! (replacing the older mainline 3.Qf3).

Of course, Ke7 prevents mate while developing the most important piece. White must now struggle to recover the initiative.
Years ago I played in a tournament and was paired against an 11 year old. I was tired, it was the 3rd round, and I thought if I could put the kid away quickly I could rest and prepare better for the next round. I actually, and foolishly, tried this opening. I did win the game in the end, but only after spending several moves regrouping after my brilliant opening had been parried. Never again! :)

That graph has amazing similarity to a typical product marketing life cycle graph, so if I overlap the demographics, the early adopters are the mate in 4 crowd. So, just look for an iPad 1 owner, play chess against them, and expect the mate in 4 attack. Win everytime.

That graph has amazing similarity to a typical product marketing life cycle graph, so if I overlap the demographics, the early adopters are the mate in 4 crowd. So, just look for an iPad 1 owner, play chess against them, and expect the mate in 4 attack. Win everytime.
This is the four move checkmate if you don't know it.