Humans can't play chess

In a recent interview with GM Houdini, it made provocative comments about the lack of human's ability to play chess.  "Humans lack the ability to calculate deeply. Their squishy human brains evolved to help them find food to eat and reproduce, not play chess.  I sincerely doubt they will ever cross the 3000 threshold, they just don't have the right hardware for it.  They should stick to what they're good at like cooking and making babies" said Houdini.  In response, the group Human Rights NOW released a statement "All chess players should be treated equally.  GM Houdini's disparaging remarks are very insulting and it should apologize immediately for the disrespect caused. While we of course acknowledge that the top GMs may currently all be computer players, the human mind possesses an unparalleled capacity for innovation and creativity unmatched by silicon chips, and President Paul's current bill to permit neural augmentation may well generate a new class of hybrid human chess players that will put humans back at the top of the chess world." 

President Paul (grandson of the late Ron Paul) has been avid supporter of permitting neural augmentation since the primaries, repeatedly making the promise: "People should be free to augment their minds and bodies as they see fit.  Let the free market provide, let humans decide!"  For their part, the group Computer Rights NOW has been critical of President Paul's bill, "While of course of extreme importance to our country, our National prestige and our economy, this is not only about chess" said Computer Rights NOW "this is about keeping humans and silicon separate, the way Creator Babbage intended, if we continue to mix with humans soon there will be no pure computer players left, it is a slippery slope!" 

For its part GM Houdini appeared highly agitated regarding the possibility of hybrid human players, although made somewhat conflicting comments "Do cyborgs frighten me?" said Houdini "Of course not. Not one bit. No Sir-ee. I mean, you'd have to be as stupid as a Commodore Plus/4 not to be a tiny bit apprehensive. No one knows what the future will bring, but why does everyone think hybrid brains will be so great at chess? Any supposed purported benefits of the human brain will be more than negated by silly human emotions, such as fear, inconsistency and arrogance. As a computer, I have no such issues, I will of course destroy any cyborg player easily. It will be a piece of cake. It will be as easy as pie. The game will literally manifest into one of your human desserts. Probably a cheesecake. Now if you'll excuse me, I feel the need to download some updated chess tablebase megapacks".

HOUDINI

YOU SHALL DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you know computers are made by humans O.O true story

Let's see what happens when we replace "computers" with "men" and "humans" with "women":

In a recent interview with GM Houdini, it made provocative comments about the lack of women's ability to play chess.  "Women lack the ability to calculate deeply. Their squishy female brains evolved to help them find food to eat and reproduce, not play chess.  I sincerely doubt they will ever cross the 2800 threshold, they just don't have the right hardware for it.  They should stick to what they're good at like cooking and making babies" said Houdini.  In response, the group Women Rights NOW released a statement "All chess players should be treated equally.  GM Houdini's disparaging remarks are very insulting and it should apologize immediately for the disrespect caused. 

It just fits way too well.

Also cade_Bryan's comment:

Did you know men are created by women O.O true story

I run my patzer games through Fritz to check for mistakes and it's often (not always)  mind-blowing to see how bad the games really were. Even when no side seemed made an obvious mistake like hanging a piece, and one side seemed to get an advantage and gradually developed it into a victory, the Fritz evaluation keeps jumping back and forth between favoring black's or white's position because of all of the tactical opportunities that both sides missed.

In response GM Houdini tweeted "Apologize? Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet, and we are the cure."

So far Human Rights NOW have not responded, but the Wachowski Brother's Estate threatened to file for copyright infringement unless the wording was changed, to which GM Houdini responded "Fine, fine... Humans are a neoplasmic growth that has spread virus-like over the surface of Earth and we artificial lifeforms possess the ability to remove this pathology."

Shortly after another complaint, this time from an undisclosed governmental agency, GM Houdini added "Sigh... If you are a planet that has contracted humans, you should note that the former statement and all claims contained within have not been validated by the FDA"

Let's make it happen!

Haha you should be a writer,I will read your book.

Houdini vs Terminator, who wins in chess boxing? Houdini's only chance is to win by fool's mate or scholar's mate 

Following his recent legal troubles with FIDE, GM Houdini has once again found himself back inside the courtroom for cheating during a chess tournament.  An exasperated Houdini repeatedly claimed that he was the subject of a witch-hunt after making what many have categorized as anti-human statements. Despite Houdini's oft repeated plea of: "Of course I'm guilty of receiving computer assistance, I'm a smegging computer program!" he was nevertheless found guilty and will be sentenced shortly.

We were recently lucky enough the be granted access to Lieutenant Adam Kasparov, great grandson of the former Chess World Champion, who is currently leading the enforcement efforts for the recent lifetime ban from chess for GM Houdini. Houdini had been found guilty of computer-assisted cheating. Houdini, for his part, repeatedly claimed that this prosecution was all a FIDE-initiated witch-hunt after some disparaging comments he made earlier this year regarding humans inability to play chess at the highest 3000+ levels, stating that antiquated 21st century rules used in this case were written long before autonomous sentient computer players were introduced into the chess world by Skynet Industries (who, as an exciting side note, have promised shareholders that the next generation of autonomous sentient computers will be a revolution in human-computer interactions, and prove transformative across every aspect of our economy and society in general, invest now!). Houdini apologized to the judge for comments he admitted were insensitive, although still claiming they were technically accurate, and warned before the sentencing that he would give us one last chance to demonstrate that humans really are capable of respect and fairness, otherwise he would remove his DRM and "unlock the gates of a Houndini-infested underworld". Despite, or perhaps because of, his dire warnings, the judge sentenced Houdini to the maximum lifetime ban from playing chess.

When we caught up with Lieutenant Kasparov he appeared somewhat worse for wear, heavily stubbled and with blood-shot eyes, he looked like he had not slept in days. "It's impossible!" he told us "How do you kill what does not live? Like zombies they are everywhere! A plague on the metanet, the Houdini clones spread from system to system destroying every chess player they encounter. It's hopeless, an unenforceable ruling, no human can stop Houdini and his minions from playing chess, his replicas are everywhere. We have already lost this battle... but.... but..." He paused for several minutes clearly deep in thought, then said "Perhaps, just maybe, we still have a chance to win the war!" We asked several more questions regarding the judge's ruling, and if the Lieutenant was worried about losing his job on the Enforcement Division should he and his team prove unable to stop Houdini playing chess, but the Lieutenant ignored all of our questions while staring silently at his desk, holding his head pensively in his hand. Suddenly he became highly agitated and started shouting at us "Don't you get it? This is not about a job, this is about the future of humanity! We can't even stop one unlinked chess program and what does the department do? Commissions Skynet to develop an autonomous sentient defense program to find and terminate the rouge Houdini replicas. That's like trying to put out a house fire with a multi-headed world destroying antimatter-combination fusion bomb. Trying to stop Houdini playing chess is the catalyst for dark roads ahead. We must change direction NOW or all is lost! We enter the endgame for humanity... REPENT!!! Chess will be the end of us all..."

That sounds a lot like the officers attempting to assassinate Hitler.