P. S. To make myself even clearer, I'd like to be able to at least play chess without crushing my daily motivation to dust every time I lose a game, but I feel maintaining such a masochistically potent hobby alongside other efforts to stop my powerlessness addiction would be like sneaking a cigarette in while in nicotine rehab. Perhaps a cold turkey approach is required, but I'm verging on following it through to the end, so I need some assurance.
Should masochists play chess?
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Update: went to Lichess again a few hours today, played 4 games, won the first three in a row while out for lunch, and it felt good (though they were simple tactical wins, but nothing wrong with that). Came home now, lost a single game, and it feels way worse... I lost my way in a 2. f4 Sicilian, my 2... d5 gambit was declined (3. e5 was played), then I played some moves and probably lost due to unfamiliarity... my opponent pushed f5 and some point, and I could never castle. It just seems too much of a stress to keep learning, yet I keep coming back. I need some serious help.
Or, to put it more clearly: should unwilling masochists play chess?
Don't get me wrong, if one plays chess while being fully aware, accepting, and even welcoming of one's addictive negative emotions upon losing, that's okay; people have the right to derive that twisted, ironic pleasure if they so desire. The OP of this thread was quite observant of said phenomenon:
https://www.chess.com/forum/view/general/understanding-chess-2
But what if you decide to put an end to your self-sabotage, so to speak?
Generally speaking, while it is needed to experience some degree of pain in order to understand and experience pleasure to its full extent, if addictively accepting pain starts pervading one's whole life with all its behaviours, then one could find oneself in considerable problems. Say, if you became aware of your masochism and you'd actually like it to stop despite bringing you some kind of pleasure, how would you go about it? You'd make an effort to stop all of your self-destructive patterns and you wouldn't discriminate, no?
I'm asking this because I very recently realised that I've been an emotional masochist for who knows how long now, and I don't think that keeping chess a part of my life through the impending much-needed changes is going to help me, because it would help anchor my maladaptive mechanisms further. Maybe if I finally stop sabotaging myself one day, I'll be able to come back to chess (which I really do love... when I can see improvement and I score really convincing wins) without it holding me down so mercilessly, but right now it's a pain that I'm too much used to, and it has to go. I'm sad.