Your opening against carlsen

If the time controls are less than an hour, I still put my money on the club player because the position is so complex that Carlsen will use all his time and blunder.

Depends on what you mean by less than an hour.  If you mean that Carlsen has three seconds to make all his moves while his opponent has 45 minutes, then I guess it's possible, though other openings are much better.  If it's a standard 30-minute game, though, then you're nuts.  Besides, there are a lot of ways to have a good game against the Grob, and if it's the World Champion facing it, I'm pretty sure he'll completely slaughter whoever's using it.  It's that bad of an opening.  If you ever faced him and decided to use it, go ahead, no one's stopping you.  If you think it's a good opening against a World Champion, though, you really are out of your mind.

In a blitz game with 3 min each side this is possible with white knowing deep grob theory. It is possible if Carlsen is doing a simul in a longer time control. There's just way too many traps to avoid.

"Too many traps to avoid"?  Really??  The only real "traps" involve Black not falling for simple tactics and he's fine, if not outright better.  Besides, I'm certain Carlsen won't play such a bad game, whether it's a 3-minute game, a simul game, or otherwise.  Not sure what you're on if you really believe that the Grob will work against him.......

The only thing "sharp" that would give you a chance is a blade or spear.

I think I would start by informing him that hundreds of people on chess.com write posts swearing that this next WCC will be the time when Anand finally does it. I would hope his laughter would distract him enough to blunder his Queen (not that that would be enough).

I would also open with 1.d4 and somehow try to get into a very positional game, just to see if I could make it past 20 moves before being mated. I think I could.

Would Carlsen have a fighting chance against the newest version of Houdini if the engine had the white pieces and opened up with 1. g4?

My opening against Carlsen is the German!

No. He is just a human. Those days have passed. No human can beat state-of-the-art software and computers. If they could, you would see matches such as Deep Blue v. Kasparov again. All you see now are low-profile matches with some type of handicap, such as has been recently played. GM gets to use older software to assist etc.

now that be a million percent true