The Legendary (and Totally Functional) Family Tree:

Me (The Unwanted Protagonist): The sole survivor of relentless roasting, forgotten origins, and bizarre family dynamics. Somehow still here, trying to figure out why half my family is either crazy, roasting me, or trying to sell me for noodles.

Parents:

Dad (@Sleepy_Bill) – A loving and caring father (shockingly), except he has one tiny flaw—he has no clue who my mom was. How do you forget an entire human being? No idea. Besides that, he’s a noble warrior of justice, always fighting for what’s right… except when it comes to remembering who brought me into this world.

Mom (???) – An unsolved mystery. Maybe an AI. Maybe a hallucination. Maybe Dad just clicked "Skip Tutorial" on my backstory.

Grandparents:

Grandpa (@AbyssDragonShadow18) – Can read the future but somehow didn't foresee the chaos of this family. Forgets his medicine, remembers to feed me sometimes. Treats me like Schrödinger's grandkid—good to me one day, confused about my existence the next.

Grandma (@CubixaSpawnie) – Helps me deal with Grandpa’s questionable memory. Probably wondering how she ended up in this circus.

Grandma (@Solflaren) – Has an entire collection of children. Dad is one of her many adoptees, which explains a lot.

Great Grandma (@RilaLyvia) – The only person in this house who consistently protects me from Grandpa. Should probably be nominated for sainthood.

Great-Great-Grandpa (@Code-Ahmad) – The fallen legend, the cursed ancestor, and a victim of the internet’s dark side. Once a respected figure, he fell from heaven after being relentlessly stalked by Vuvita, his obsessive lover-turned-nightmare. Not only did she get his earlier account banned, but she still haunts him. But that’s not all. His name was stolen and abused by countless trolls, who used it for questionable, unethical, and borderline criminal activities. His reputation was destroyed beyond repair, forcing him to completely change his name and identity just to exist in peace. Now, he lives in the shadows, constantly on the run from both Vuvita and his name stealing doppelgängers.

Siblings:

Big Bro (@SRXster) – Exists. Occasionally wise. Mostly just there.

Lil Sis (@Julia-vt) – Certified crazy. A walking hurricane in human form.

The Hidden Hogwarts Cousin (@syedmustafa26) – Unlike the rest of us unfortunate souls stuck in this chaotic family tree, @syedmustafa26 was actually supposed to attend Hogwarts! The only problem? The owl carrying his acceptance letter got lost somewhere over the Arabian Desert, and by the time it arrived, the term had already ended. Dumbledore refused to send another one, so now he’s stuck with us instead(a tragedy greater than Voldemort’s existence).Since Hogwarts refused to admit him, he decided to bring wizardry into chess instead. He calls his opening moves "spells", believes blunders are "dark magic interference," and claims that every time he wins, it's because of an enchanted strategy no one else can understand. He self-identifies as a Gryffindor on Mondays, a Slytherin when plotting chess strategies, and a Ravenclaw when reading chess theory at 3 AM. On Sundays, he claims he’s a Hufflepuff just to relax. Despite being practically invisible to the rest of the family, @Code-Ahmad is the only one who acknowledges his existence. Their bond is mysterious, their conversations are cryptic, and their presence in the family tree is questionable.

Uncles:

Uncle (@Fakestockfish_2ndacc) – Refuses to be called "Uncle." Will drop everything for Paneer. Paneer is love; paneer is life.

Aunts:

Big Aunt (@CavalierAtalante) – Roasts Dad like a master chef. I approve.

Small Aunt (@WeirdyAndFake) – Even crazier than Big Aunt, which means Dad has even more headaches.

Other Family Members:

Roasted Buddy (@TheJusticeBearer) – We roast each other constantly. He’s a doctor, but his comebacks have no pulse. Might need to prescribe himself some better insults.

Cat (@ShioriMochi) – Not just a pet, but a divine entity. Worshiped by the household. Has more influence than I do.

Honorable (or Dishonorable) Mentions:

Kidnapper (@Puziec) – A business-minded entrepreneur with a highly questionable moral compass and an unhealthy obsession with instant noodles and potatoes. His grand master plan? Buy me from Dad in exchange for a lifetime supply of noodles, arguing that “noodles can be eaten, but children cannot” (which, while technically true, is a very concerning life philosophy). Claims that kids are replaceable, but a perfectly cooked plate of potatoes. Irreplaceable. Owns a dungeon and a basement filled with mystery guests, which he insists are just friends who “forgot” to leave. He also believes in “ethical kidnapping,” whatever that means. Every time he appears, Dad has to remind him that human trafficking is illegal, even if potatoes are involved.

LogicalDrift