Greg. Born 1958. Melbourne. Vintage model. Slightly dented, occasionally noisy, and operating without the original instruction manual.

I’ve been playing chess since computers were the size of washing machines
and about as good.

These days I play 1+1 bullet on Chess.com.
One minute each, with a one-second increment, just enough time to blunder more efficiently.

Bullet chess removes all the boring parts of chess, like thinking.

I’m 67 years old.
My knees crack, my back negotiates with gravity
but my mouse hand still moves like a caffeinated squirrel.

If I drop my glasses, it takes 10 seconds to find them.
If a rook hangs, I capture it in 0.1 seconds with the confidence of a man who hasn’t checked the position.

I’ve played 182,000 games.
Which sounds impressive, until you realise most lasted 23 seconds and ended in regret.

I’m rated around 2000.
Which means I understand exactly why I’m losing
just not in time to stop it.

My opponents all have names like DragonSlayer420.
Their profile picture is always a hamster.

This hamster plays perfectly.
Suspiciously perfectly.

You’ve got 0.7 seconds left.
Everything is hanging.
Your king is exposed.
Your dignity is already gone.

They find the only move in the universe. Instantly.

Naturally I think:
“Strong hamster.”

Bullet chess techniques include:
• panic premoves
• accidental queen sacrifices
• moving a rook to a place it has no business being
• and my specialty: checkmating myself

Mouse slips are critical.
You try to move a knightit ends up somewhere near Albania.

Best games happen at 0.2 seconds each.
At that point it’s no longer chess.
It’s a reflex experiment with emotional consequences.

After 182,000 games I’ve learned:
Everyone blunders.
Everyone thinks everyone else is cheating.
Everyone was winning, until the clock got involved.

But occasionally, magic happens.

Two humans.
Thirty-two pieces.
One minute each. One-second increment.

Chaos. Panic. Mouse slips.
and a knight quietly waiting to fork your rooks and your dignity.

If you want a game, pull up a chair.

Just give me a second,
I left my last good move somewhere around 1997. ♟️😄

ozzie1958