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In a park, people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say: "What a clever dog!" But the man protests: "No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!" ..........Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now...........
It has been a tough year, but so far I've made it !!! But not everyone is as lucky as I am. 1. The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. 2. I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" 3. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. 4. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them . 5. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. 6. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'. 7. Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names. 8. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. 9. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. 10. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. 11. The Mafia is laying off judges. 12. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. 13. Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear ! And, finally. 14. I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...........Funny Equivalents and Ratios 1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton 3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope 4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond 5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram 6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = 1 Knotfurlong 7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year 8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon 10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz ..........Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life: 1. Just accept that, some days you're the pigeon: and some days, you're the statue. 2. Always keep your words soft and sweet - just in case you have to eat them. 3. Always wear stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 4. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be "recalled" by their maker. 5. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 6. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again. It was probably worth it. 7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others. 8. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. 9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 10. Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. 11. The second mouse gets the cheese. 12. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 13. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. 14. You may be only one person in the world, But you may also be the world to one person. 15. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 16. We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp; some are pretty; and some are dull. Some have weird names; and all are different colours; but they all have to live in the same box. 17. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour...........
Wise thoughts on everything
1. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
2. Life is sexually transmitted.
3. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
4. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him
5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
6. Some people are like Slinkies, not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut
saves you thirty cents?
11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and
people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that
it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
---------------------------Christian One Liners 1. Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case. 2. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews. 3. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors. 4. It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one. 5. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close. 6. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there. 7. People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church. 8. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever. 9. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong. 10. If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs to pray for the one it has. 11. God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you? 12. Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. 13. Peace starts with a smile. 14. A lot of church members who are singing 'Standing on the Promises' are just sitting on the premises. 15. We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.16. Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them. 17. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. 18. Don't put a question mark where God put a period. 19. Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church. 20. Forbidden fruits create many jams. 21. God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called. 22. God grades on the cross, not the curve. 23. God loves everyone, but probably prefers 'fruit of the spirit' over a 'religious nut!' 24. God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. 25. He who angers you, controls you! 26. If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats! 27. Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty! 28. The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us. 29. The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you. 30. We don't change the message, the message changes us 31. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him. 32. The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
........More paraprosdokian: 1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
5. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
6. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
7. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
8. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
10. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
11. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
12. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
13. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
14. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
15. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
16. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
17. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
18. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
21. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
22. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
23. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
24. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
25. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
26. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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