Myths About Firstitis And Its Sufferers

So little is known about firstitis that a mythology has grown around it.  Below we seek to dispel or confirm some of the most commonly held beliefs and hopefully further understanding of the disease.

"Firstitis is hereditary"

MYTH!  Well, technically, it is not known whether the disease is inherited genetically, as no firstitis sufferers have ever had any children.  Their condition does not prevent them from doing so, biologically, but they never seem to.

"Firstitis sufferers are often unaware that they have the disease."

FACT! Sufferers are often completely deluded and have no idea that they have firstitis. In fact, they are even unaware of their symptoms and actually believe that what they do is completely normal.

"Firstitis sufferers are incapable of forming friendships, making conversation with real people, acknowledging any form of personal failing or actually solving the chess puzzles they claim to have solved"

MYTH! Sufferers are often fairly strong chess players.

"Firstitis can strike anyone, at any time"

FACT! Anyone who even temporarily experiences low self-esteem, a lack of social identity, oedipal issues, the breakdown of a relationship or a staggering lack of self-awareness can be struck down with the disease.  Although, objectively, simply writing "first" on a chess site comments board should in no way confer any superiority on the author over any other human being, sufferers genuinely experience joy, pride and feelings of personal victory when doing so, and the vacuum of their otherwise meaningless existence is briefly filled.

Watch this space for more fact-firming and myth-masticating...