New Neurological Study Gives Hope To Firstitis Sufferers
(image - Corey Bejeebers, 22, firstitis sufferer)
A new study published this week in the respected chess medical journal The Steinitz has shed new light on exactly what happens in the minds of firstitis sufferers at 0800 UTC each day, giving fresh hope that there may be possible treatments for the currently incurable condition.
Those afflicted with firstitis are compelled to log on to the site "chess.com" (a fabulous site frequented primarily by intelligent, well-rounded, sexually attractive, confident and successful chess enthusiasts) at around 0755 UTC, 7 days a week, and wait for the daily chess puzzle that is posted each day by site admins at 0800. Sufferers then immediately post the word "first", with no other comments, to the associated daily puzzle forum. Little is known of the condition. It is uncertain whether the disease is presented in children, as the symptoms are almost indistinguishable from the natural competitiveness and lack of social maturity common to the recently self-aware - the symptomatic behaviour in infants may simply be a primitive manifestation of the ego and the fledgling assertion of the child's self-worth. It is only possible to accurately diagnose the condition when it presents itself in the other demographic group that exhibits these behaviours : single men in their twenties with limited social skills still living with their parents.
The study shows that the same area of the hypothalamus is activated in all sufferers between 0754 and 0802 UTC. It has previously been unclear which, if any, higher brain functions are governed by the area, known as Faith's Watcher, though there is some evidence that it is the same area that becomes active in teenage boys when watching those scenes of Farscape that feature Claudia Black.
There is no indication as yet that the study will lead to effective treatment of the condition in the near future, but it gives researchers new avenues to explore. It is also a fillip to chess.com group "First Aid", a selfless phalanx of volunteers devoted to understanding and helping sufferers of the disease.
