chess jokes!

  • Judgment
  • | Mar 7, 2008

1.) A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


2.)  A chess master died - after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
"What's it like, where you are now," he asked.
"What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news."
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, it's really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they're all here, and you can play them."
"Fantastic!" the friend said, "and what is the bad news?"
"You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday."


3.)  A Chess Player is walking from the lake carrying two fish in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. The Chess player says to the warden, "I did not catch these fish, they are my pets's pawn. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these fish jump out and I take around to see the sights only to return them at the end of the day; remember that the Chess Board is like an ocean; full of fish". The warden, does not play chess, he not had any idea what he's taking about; not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The Chess Player turns to the warden and says,
"CHECK" "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the fish back into the water. The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will come out of the water." The Chess Player turns to the warden and says, "What fish!?"


4.)  n a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say:
"What a clever dog!"
But the man protests:
"No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!"


5.) "So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov - Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!"


6.) Q. Which chess piece is the most powerful?
A. The Knight, It goes over the top.

7.) 2 friends see themselves by the street and one of them says:
- My wife says that if tomorrow I go to the chess match, it will take my children and it will leave me.
The other friend asks to him:
- And what you will do?
And the other answers to him:
- E4, how always! 


8.)   Three retired International chess grandmasters were playing chess in the park.
The first grandmaster said, "it is windy today."
The second grandmaster said, "no, it is Thursday today".
The third grandmaster said, "me too, let's go back inside for a drink"


9.)  The young apprentice went to his master and asked him:
"Which is the best game man made?".
The old master thought a little bit and said
"It's chess I guess, no?".
"What about go?" came the next question instantly.
"Aah, go was already here!"


10.)  A gentleman must play a game of chess with a blind person, he proposes to the blind person:
"As he cannot see he will grant an advantage to him as part of the deal. We will not play in equality of conditions."
"This sound really fair" replied the Blind Person.
Then he asks the gentleman: "When?"
"Very well", the other men responded to him "any night that you prefer."




  • 6 months ago


    A: I mated you! B:That's Great! A: For who? B: for me! A: huh? you're happy you lost? B: No I didn't lose! You STALEmated me A: GROAN...

  • 18 months ago


    the best joke was mooiscool2's comment! How cud such a dumbo play chess?

  • 2 years ago


    What do George Washington and 1...e5 have in common?


    They both beat the English.

  • 2 years ago


    Q:Why didn't the nut like checkers?

    A:It was a chess nut. (chestnut)

  • 3 years ago


    #10 - The gentleman said that he would grant an advantage, and then the blind person said "when?". So the gentleman let the blind person pick "when?".

  • 3 years ago


  • 3 years ago


  • 3 years ago


    #2 was the one that caughts my hiding laughter out of me. LOL. 

  • 4 years ago


    Did the King still love the Queen after she moved to the other side of the board?  Sorte.  

  • 4 years ago



    No. 4 and 5 are the best imo

  • 4 years ago


    To the guy with the big blue letters: 

    The punchline to #1 sounds like the Christmas song "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire". 

    On #3, the Warden thinks the guy is throwing the fish back to demonstrate he can make them jump, but he's really throwing them back to deny he ever caught any fish at all.

    #8, in English, the word "Windy" sounds like "Wednesday", and the word "Thursday" sounds like "thirsty". The three grandmasters are obviously old and deaf, and form a chain of misunderstanding each other.

    #9 the master is implying that the game Go is so old it wasn't man-made, but already around when the world began.

    #10 is (imo) not that great a joke. The non-blind guy is saying he will even the conditions by playing at night so that neither of them can see the pieces. I don't see much humor there. Would be better if the non-blind guy was being a douche and not cutting the blind player any slack, and then the *blind* guy says he'll play him any night. But not much, cause the guy could just bring a lamp.

  • 4 years ago


    I believe it's bad news because it means he is going to have to die in order to play Capablanca. 

  • 4 years ago


    It'd bad news because, black against  Capablanca? He's so gonna get completely and utterly crushed.

  • 4 years ago


    Pretty funny, right? 

    Well, here's one.

    "Are you ready for the chess match today?" asks the coach to player #1.

    "Yeah! I've been practising!" was the reply.

    At the match, the first game was no good. "SCHOLAR'S MATE!" exclaimed the opponent of player #1. "HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?" yelled #1. After the match, the coach had a bone to pick with #1.

    "Well, we lost thanks to YOU!" coach exclaimed.

    "How was supposed to know there was such thing as S-s-s-k- uh,-skwuell-ar's mate and fuel's mate?" #1protested. He really had no idea.

    "I THOUGHT YOUR RATING WAS 2000!" he yelled.

    "No, it's 200, you deafie!"

  • 4 years ago


    Enjoyed the dry humour. But how can it be bad news in joke no. 2? We all gotta go someday, and rarely do we get to say goodbye to our loved ones before it. Now he has till saturday to say his goodbyes! :-) 

  • 4 years ago


     Cool      Paul was a passionate chess player. He was reading a lot of chess books and analyzed his own games at home,  which he had played in the chess club before. He hoped to improve his game by learning new chess strategies.


    One day he was again deeply immersed mentally in a chess position, which originated from a club game.

    Suddenly somebody knocked at his door.  He did not expect any visitors, went slowly to the door and opened it.

    In front of him stood a woman of a religious sect. He saw that right away as she had a bible in her hands and looked at him a bit strange. Then the woman asked him. "Brother! Are you saved?"

    The chess player has been deeply immersed in thought and was shocked at first, but recovered fairly fast and said with a glorified smile.

    "Oh, yes, oh, for sure, of course I am saved!" Paul answered. "I wanted to castle one move later, but my opponent had a surprising move. His knight hit f7 and attacked my queen and the rook at the same time. I lost the exchange and a pawn after that and thought that I was lost. But after that, my opponent played too risky, made a mistake and blundered away his rook. The game finally was a draw and I was saved. It was like a miracle! Yes! I was saved!"

    The woman had a very confused expression on her face and didn't understand what he was talking about. She turned around and left him utterly confused.      Wink

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  • 5 years ago


    No. 2, his friend is going to be dead too?

  • 6 years ago


    No.2-Tongue out

  • 6 years ago


    An elderly chess player was preparing at home.  His much younger wife brought him acup of tea and a couple of biscuits. 

    "Tell me," he asked , "if I died would you marry another chess player?'

    "I think I would," she replied.

    "Would you give him my library on the Ruy Lopez?"

    "No,he only plays 1.d4."

  • 6 years ago



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