1. I'm so glad we have brown cows, otherwise there wouldn’t be any chocolate milk.

2. 9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me I’m crazy. The tenth is just humming.

3. After Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.

4. You should always knock before opening a fridge, just in case there's a salad dressing inside.

5. A successful man is one who earns more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who knows where to look for such a man.

6. A pessimist is someone who has spent too much time listening to optimists.

7. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

8. My tallest finger loves giving people standing ovations.

9. Every woman should marry an archeologist, because the older she gets, the more he'll love her.

10. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.

11. I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.

12. A bag of money can represent not only wealth, but also massive inflation.

13. It’s funny how the cost of living is going up but the chance of living is going down.

14. Try calling someone just to tell them you can’t talk right now.

15. I am a great housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

16. Is there a connection between candy corn and corn nuts?

17. I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.

18. The next time you buy a donut, complain that there’s a hole in it.

19. A cookie a day keeps your sadness away, but an entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.

20. I'm not going to remarry. This time, I'm just going to pick a woman I don't like and give her a house instead.

21. If hamburger meat makes a meatloaf, then laziness will make me-a-loaf.

22. I had used up all of my sick leave, so I called in dead.

23. I am going to get my toe nail-pierced this Friday.

24. I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one abandoned me, but the second did not.

25. I've always thought air was free. That is, I did until I went out and bought a $3 bag of crisps.

26. Don't worry if plan A fails. There are 25 more letters in the alphabet!

27. An apple a day keeps the doctor away...if you throw it hard enough!

28. Organized people are those who are just too lazy to find their things.

29. Hi, I am (your name), but you can call me tomorrow!

30. A psychiatrist is someone who will charge you money for answers that you can get for free from your wife or friends.

31. If a market is well stocked, is it called the stock market?

32. Earth is like the insane asylum for the universe.

33. Sure, alcohol doesn’t solve any problems. But then again, neither does milk.

34. Barbie is so popular and yet, kids still buy friends for her.

35. If you lend someone money and never see them again, it was probably worth every penny.

36. Refusing to go to the gym is one of the best forms of resistance training.

37. I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.

38. Always remember that you’re unique...just like everyone else is.

39. Running in place will get you nowhere fast.

40. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

41. The rotation of Earth really makes my day.

42. Whatever is eating you must be really hungry.

43. LOL has gone from meaning "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."

44. I promise to step on your feet if you dance with me.

45. I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’

46. I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

47. Is cardboard more board than card or more card than board?

48. A best friend is someone who clears your search history immediately after you die.

49. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

50. Except for a parking meter, change is inevitable.

51. Is a heart attack the same as an attack of the heart?

52. We place too much emphasis on the early bird's good luck and not enough on the early worm's bad luck.

53. I sold my vacuum cleaner because all it was doing was gathering dust.

54. I don't really need a hairstylist since my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

55. I tried rearranging the alphabet, but for some reason, the letters U and I would never separate.

56. Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.

57. If you think no one cares whether you're alive or dead, just skip a handful of credit card payments.

58. Why aren't coffees served on a coffee table?

59. I would really like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?

60. I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once,

61. Whiteboards really are remarkable.

62. Whoever said you can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop!

63. When you go to a public bathroom, put chocolate on your hands, reach under the stall and ask for a toilet paper.

64. Answers are what we have to solve other people's problems.

65. Can cars stop at a bus stop?

66. If you really want to look young and thin then you should hang out around fat old people.

67. A balanced diet simply means a having cupcake in each hand.

68. Try ordering a pizza 15 minutes before New Year, and when it arrives, yell, “You’re late! I ordered this a year ago!”

69. I don't understand how people can be so open-minded. Whenever I try, my brain keeps falling out.

70. The only thing I get out of Algebra is when I look at X and wonder Y.

71. How can you scoot along if you don’t have a scooter?

72. I’ll have a bloody mary because they say it helps cure hangovers.

73. It's difficult to do nothing because you never know when you're done.

74. Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s exactly what you are looking for, go live with a car battery.

75. Just take my advice because I’m not going to use it.

76. Dogs can't see inside your body, but CAT scan.

77. What is the soul good for if laughter is good for the soul?

78. If history repeats itself, I'm getting a pet dinosaur.

79. Don't drink and drive. You might spill your beer.

80. You're in the wrong lane when everything is coming at you.

81. If you are on a diet, the first three letters of that word are probably feeling pretty accurate right now.

82. When someone tells you, “Have a nice day!”, stare at them and say, “Don’t tell me what to do!”

83. You are so annoying. You are so weird. You are so crazy. You are so stupid. You are so clingy. You are…just like me.

84. I’m out of my mind. I’ll be back in five minutes.

85. Alcohol and Calculus don’t mix. It's never a good idea to drink and derive.

86. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let my wife sleep.

87. If I tried to look as attractive as all of the celebrities I like, I'd end up looking about as ugly as I am.

88. If we were on a plane about to crash and only had one parachute, I promise I'd give an amazing speech at your funeral.

89. I am not as think as you confused I am really!

90. Try calling Pizza Hut just to ask Domino’s phone number.

91. Isn't it strange that cigarettes are sold in gas stations, since smoking is prohibited there?

92. Why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator if you're not supposed to eat at night?

93. Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

94. Please excuse my naivety. I was born at a very early age.

95. If your friends don't make fun of you, they're not really your friends.

96. If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a mural worth?

97. I’d be happy to give you a shoulder to cry on, except I don’t want my shoulder to get wet.

98. There are three different types of people. Those who can count, and those who can’t.

99. Try texting someone a random word and see what happens next.

100. It was as easy as a walk in the park...Jurassic Park.

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