D&D Jokes

An Elf, Human, and Dwarf order a beer. When the beer arrives, a fly lands in each one.

The Elf shoves the beer away in distain.

The Human flicks the fly away and drinks the beer.

The Dwarf picks the fly up by the wings, holding it over his glass and screams, "Spit it all out you little *******!"

Top Ten Signs You Play Too Much D&D

1. Someone says "Why do you have all those numbers tattooed on your hand?", and you reply "Those aren't tattoos, they're die imprints."

2. Your elven fighter has had sex within the last six years - and you haven't.

3. You decide to play a zombie, just so you and your character can have the same skin color.

4. You've been surviving so long on Doritos, Coke, and pizza that your body now contains more plastic than your dice.

5. You can recite, verbatim, every single rule from the DMG….but you can't remember how many kids you have.

6. You sign personal correspondences with your character's name.

7. After months of work, you have made up the entire dwarven language - words, rules of vocabulary, the whole lot. You are bilingual, and can now speak fluid dwarven. Your friends stare at you strangely, and no one will sit on the same side of the table as you.

8. Drug addict and alcoholic friends of yours often stop you to say "Dude, get a grip".

9. Your "If I won the lottery" plans involve creating: (a) a really cool AD&D room, or (b) hiring actors to play monsters so that you and your friends can play AD&D for real.

10. You'd rather get a natural 18 when rolling character statistics than win the lottery.

LOL I loved the jokes.

How many elves you need to change the light bulb?

-3: one who changes the bulb, one who writtes ballad about this, and one who dies at last chapter.

-How many D&D players you need to change light bulb?

-2-7*

 1d6+1

-How many DMs you need to change the light bulb?

-What!? I'm the Dungeon Master, and only I say when light bulb needs to be changed!

An orc, an elf, and a dwarf find themselves being granted wishes by an Efreeti.

The orc says, "We orcs need to return to power. I wish all the orcs and half-orcs were returned to their ancient lands." The Efreeti nods his head, and the orc vanishes.

The elf says, "The elves need to get back to their roots. I wish all the elves and half-elves were returned to their ancestral home." The Efreeti nods his head, and the elf vanishes.

The dwarf looks around. "Let me get this straight," the dwarf says, "the orc wished for all the orcs to be gone, and the elf wished for all the elves to be gone?" The Efreeti nods. "Very well, then," said the dwarf, "I'll have an ale."

An ogre, giant, and troll walk into a bar... but the kobold was able to duck under it.

Why did the halfling cross the road?
To steal the chicken.

How do you get a one armed goblin out of a tree?

Wave to him.

A gnome and a half-orc find themselves being granted three wishes each by a pair of Efreet.

The half-orc smirks and says, "I wish that I was the leader of my tribe, and that the orcs and half-orcs of my tribe were beautiful women." The first Efreeti nods and grants his wish. The gnome says, "I wish for a riding-dog." The second Efreeti nods and grants his wish.

"Why are you wishing for a riding-dog?" the half-orc asks the gnome. "There's no limit to what you can wish for!" He thinks for a second, then turns to the first Efreeti and says, "I wasn't thinking big enough last time. I wish that all the orcs and half-orcs on the continent were beautiful women." The first Efreeti nods and grants his wish. The gnome says, "I wish for a saddle for my riding-dog." The second Efreeti nods and grants his wish.

The half-orc watches the gnome put the saddle on the riding-dog, an incredulous look on the half-orc's face. "You're wasting your wishes by thinking too small, fool! See?" He turns to the first Efreeti and says, "I wish that all the orcs and half-orcs in the world were beautiful women!" The first Efreeti nods and grants his wish.

The gnome smirks and shakes his head slowly. He climb into the saddle, and as he leaves, he says, "I wish the half-orc was gay."

How many dwarves does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb, four to drink 'till the room spins.

How many high elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the universe revolves around him.

How many wizards does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends. Change it into what?

How many clerics does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one; he casts Cure Light.

How many barbarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A barbarian warrior is not afraid of the dark!

How many rogues does it take to change a light bulb?
How much is it worth to you?

Q. Why are there no dwarven lawyers?
A. They cannot pass the bar.

Do you know the difference between a DM and a Gibbering Mouther?

One is a horrible, slimy, disgusting monster and the other one is a creature from the Monster Manual.

An orc asks another orc
Orc 1: What's the difference between an elf, and a trampoline?
Orc 2: I dunno
Orc 1: You take your boots off before you jump on a trampoline.

Orc 1: What's the difference between a Wand of Cure Moderate Wounds and a Rod of Wonder?
Orc 2: I dunno
Orc 1: Well, I'm not gonna make you the party healer then.