Thanks, Abri. I appreciate your positive and constructive feedback.
Escape from Dystopia - Finding Hope in a Very Dark World Part 1 The Journey Begins
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Dec 13, 2023
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#23
FaithfulServant wrote:
Sooo I’m not like an English major but I think that this (in bold) Tim thought, How did I get lost so quickly? What is the way out of these woods? He had heard of rabbit trails, but this was just plain ridiculous. It seemed like a magic trick in reverse where the white rabbit causes the magician to disappear under a black hat. But this was no black hat. It was a thick forest with night overtaking the last vestiges of daylight as the sun sank quickly below the horizon.
should be this with quotations. Because it’s like he’s speaking even though it’s in his mind.
Tim thought, “How did I get lost so quickly? What is the way out of these woods? He had heard of rabbit trails, but this was just plain ridiculous. It seemed like a magic trick in reverse where the white rabbit causes the magician to disappear under a black hat. But this was no black hat. It was a thick forest with night overtaking the last vestiges of daylight as the sun sank quickly below the horizon.”
Then Tim remembered.
I think should be… Then, Tim remembered.
Thank you for your feedback on "Then" in the sentence above. I think it is best left out, but you have detected a use of "Then" at the beginning of a sentence that usually requires a "," after it. Here is a link that helped me evaluate: https://linguaholic.com/linguablog/comma-after-then/
Dec 13, 2023
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#24
FaithfulServant wrote:
Finished reading it last night and I was gunna say I NEED a part two, but I saw one was posted and so I must say, I am going to read that with such a passion and curiosity because that kept me hooked. I would one hundred percent read it again. I’ll take some time to think about if there’s anything I might want to add. The descriptive words and way it was written is sooooo good!
first things first, the part when it went from talking about Hope to Holly was a little bit confusing, I’ll read it again soon because it was preeetty late at night when I read it (I was so hooked that I decided 8 hours of sleep, I can survive without.)
number two, the AI chips. I’m assuming it’s a chip that goes in your neck or spinal cord or smthn connected to the brain and nerves. If you explained it in the story, my bad, I tend to read quickly and I skip over things unintentionally. I’ll read it again to make sure I didn’t miss anything. But I found it a little odd that the AI chip fried/ short circuited. Buuuttt, I also know that that conclusion was an assumption made by the characters who didn’t know everything about the chip, and I don’t know everything about the chip, so I get it. But to me at the late time I read it I thought it was a bit of a plot hole because if it just got wet and broke, how would the people take showers and go out in the rain? Yk? Now this is merely a suggestion and you are the author and should do as you please with your book because it is your book, but maybe it got crushed in the storm? Because if they got caught in the tornado maybe they fell on it or smthn like that and it broke. I think it would be a good alternative to the chip getting wet.
another thing, as a reader and not quite a judger, (it’s important to look through a readers lens too though) that Alpha101 and Omega 101 (also, I love all the little biblical Easter eggs you have in there, it’s so cool!!) could in the future become good guys? I think it’d be cool to at least see one of them become good guys. It’s one of those, one guy won’t turn from his ways but the second one does and it’s awesome! But, I think it isn’t that much of a biggie because the other guy, I think his name starts with an ‘o’ (or maybe I’m trippin’) who’s the general or captain who’s son, Orin (maybe that’s where I got the ‘o’ from) was killed. I think that him becoming a good guy is pretty much the same as the grinders changing.
another idear I have is that maybe one or two people could be introduced along the journey and have some new characters introduced. I love the characters that are already there, don’t get me wrong, but maybe if they found another group of people or someone else like Tim who was on their own or someone who got separated from a group who became AI but managed to escape, that would be cool. It could also provide some inside information, but the guy I talked about above whose son died… one sec my bus just hit a tree
Katie, your feedback was really good! For some reason, I missed these comments earlier. My bad. Sorry! Thank you very much! You will see more in Part 2 / Book 2. I don't think you will be disappointed. "Great minds think alike." LOL
Dec 29, 2023
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#25
Just finished reading it! I will write the feedback a little bit later, because I have a lot to say, so get ready! XD
Dec 29, 2023
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#27
So, I will first say that I have skipped the comments and didn't read the feedback of others, to not be influenced by what has been said, so sorry if I say something someone else already said.
I think that in general, the story is great, the plot is good, entertaining to read, and I also really like the language and words used.
However, I have a three things I would like to point out, as that is what I am here for, I guess (?).
First of all, the first thing that stands out is the part in which Tim thinks about past events, about his friends, and how Hope got into the family. As you get deeper into what are in fact, Tim's thoughts, you lose the grip of what is actually happening in the present, since the verbs are conjugated (idk if that's the right word) at the same time as they are in Tim's present. The problem is not that you get pulled into the story, into Tim's memory, the problem is that you don't see it through his eyes, even though he is the one that remembers all those events, that thinks about each member individually and describes them. You rather see the story told by an outside narrator, that tells the story from their perspective, but it's not really an omniscient narrator, nor a narrator-character. Neither is it a subjective narrator that tells the story from someone's point of view (not talking about 1st person narrator), which can change on every chapter, for example (talking about the character from whom perspective you are writing for). This is just a passage, even though the whole story of how Hope joined them is not from Tim's perspective, but rather from an outside narrator, that tells a story he has heard, making it the reader somewhat distant and not completely able to be one with the story, because that way of narrating, keeps them aware that it is just a story: "While surveying his surroundings, Michael noticed some movement among the bushes about a hundred yards away. Unable to detect the source of the disturbance and not wanting to take any chances, Michael hurriedly repaired the door and repositioned the bush to cover their secret entrance. Then he headed back down the tunnel to join the others."
Tim couldn't have known that, but that could've been avoided with simply saying that he told the others what he saw outside.
Just sprinkling in a few phrases showing that these are the memories of Tim, thereby also making the reader one with the character, could've changed this whole passage, such as: "To this day, he didn't forget the look on Hope's face full of dirt, when she realized where she landed." Or: "at first, the leader was suspicious about her, because he didn't want to lead the others into another fail." Also, when each member of their group is described, Tim's opinion could've been added again.
The second thing is the dialogue. Out of all, this is the one that bothers me the most. I don't want this to sound bad, but idk how else to say it, so I'm going to say it directly: the dialogue isn't that good.
Instead of letting the reader find out things for themselves, instead of giving them 2+2, the dialogue in this story almost always gives them 4. I also used to write dialogue like this, with long lines, giving away everything I am trying to say, but avoiding saying it directly, thinking that dialogue is an indirect way of telling something, that it is 2+2.
For example this line, even though all are written this way: "The sky looks particularly ominous, and I am concerned. Branches are already snapping off the tall pines as the gale-force winds force them to bow lower each minute. Judging from what I’ve seen, I wouldn't be surprised if this storm brings hailstones. It could even spawn some tornadoes, and the winds may become hurricane strength. It really looks foreboding. I think we should be safe here, but I don't know how things will be out there. If we get a direct hit from a tornado, our entryway will likely be sucked up. If that happens, it may get nasty down here. On a more positive note, with weather like this, I don't think we will need to worry about the Grinders. If any are wandering around, they will be fleeing for cover."
Nobody actually talks like this. While this is good to write in a description where the writer writes about the situation, a person in such a danger would say this in 2-3 short sentences.
Or this, especially the first and last part: "Thanks, Nathan. That was helpful. After listening to everyone, I think we should do this. Let's move our supplies and whatever else we have toward the back of the cave. If we hear a "freight train” sound, we’ll head there ourselves. I think the funnel cloud will have a tough time negotiating its way down the tunnel. If it does make it, it should only affect the ground where the tunnel ends. I agree with Nathan. I think we will be fine. Thanks for your input, guys!"
This is very unnatural, and such a line seems way too unlikely to hear in a real conversation. Just like this one and many many more: "Wow! I hope we never have to go through this again! My emotions were screaming out at me, telling me this would be the end of me. I’m glad this is over. I guess we have to figure out what to do with these Grinders. They both still appear to be unconscious.[...]"
By saying it like this, the writer is actually giving the reader 4 instead of 2+2, there's nothing left for the reader to put them to work, to keep them actively engaged in the story. I would give some examples on how I would write it, but I would have to change a lot or write a whole new passage on just a line, and it's past midnight right now and my head and eyes hurt. Instead, I will share this extremely helpful video from my favorite YouTuber, whose videos helped me tremendously with my writing. After watching many of Jerry Jenkins' videos I also learned that he's a Christian. Here is the video on dialogue: https://youtu.be/jpWKp-fnZuU?si=95Xec3nf1gBziKMZ
The third thing I would like to point out is that the language used doesn't fit the depth of the description of the events. Now I haven't read many books in English, but I think it's true that the language you used is somewhat fancy, the words are not to be used in a kids book. However, the way depth of the description of the events is like it is for let's say 9-12 year olds. The feelings of the characters, the mime and gesture are not described in detail and often skipped. The thoughts as well. For example, when Tim saw the light that led him to the cave, one (talking about me but I don't want to make it seem like I'm bragging) could've easily written a few thousand words just for that passage. Not that it was necessary in this case, but the events aren't really described deeply, just like they are in a kids book, yet the language is fancy. Or when Tim was thinking about how and why he was now convinced God exists, which in my opinion is a very deep topic. Because of this (the difference between how detailed the story is written and the language used) again, the presence of an outside narrator becomes visible, and the reader isn't fully part of the story.
Also, the language used is somewhat modern, but the dialogue and way of writing are kind of old, like in Jules Verne style, with long, formal lines of dialogue but making use of modern words, which is not found in his writings, for example. This is just a thought I have and isn't meant in a criticizing way, I don't really know how to express it, and it is also just a feeling and nothing certain.
So yeah, this is what I think. I know that, because I wrote so much critique it seems like I don't like it or I think it's bad, but that's not true, I actually enjoyed reading it. I hope this feedback helped. Again, sorry if it seems like I think it's written in a bad way, I don't think that, I just think it needs some harsh editing. Thanks again for allowing me to join this club and read it, and also give my feedback! I really appreciate it. So yeah, I think that was it.
P.S: I really liked the "you can have what's left joke" XD, it is very original. Too bad you reserved your rights for it, now I can't use it XD.
Goodnight!
Dec 29, 2023
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#28
It's 00:30, and last night I read till 3am, and I'm extremely tired, so there may be some things I said that don't make sense, I sometimes do that when I'm tired. I'll take a look at my previous message tomorrow
Dec 29, 2023
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#30
Also, idk if I missed something, but what exactly was Tim doing in the forest? I didn't understand what he was looking for or how he got there
Dec 29, 2023
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#31
I very much agree with what Elijah said, I think we're talking about the same things.
Dec 29, 2023
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#32
Coltey, thank you very much for your detailed critique of my first book or part in this trilogy. If your advice is followed, the book would undoubtedly be better. Like I told Elijah, I am not a young man anymore. I am not sure I can develop characters or dialogue that way, even though it may be better. To be honest, I do not even have the desire and may not have the capacity to do this.
Why did I undertake this project? I wanted to try to help the youth who are searching for hope and answers to be led to Christ. This was an indirect approach. I have written many devotionals,. I have written some good short stories, and I have written some poetry. But you are right. This book could be very good but the dialogue and character development would make it a much longer work, and it would likely require more talent than than I have and more work than I think I am willing and/or able to put into it. I suppose that, if I were your age, I could develop into a very respectable author by diligently applying myself to become an excellent writer.
I think the plots and subplots of my book are pretty good, but I think the dialogue and character development has room for considerable improvement. I thought of enlisting support from our youth here. We could have "QuillPen and his holy ghostwriters associates" or something to that effect. With young people having enough demands on their time, I am reluctant to seriously consider this. It would take commitment and priority, and it may, of necessity, be on the low end of their priorities list. As Pastor Bob who used to be an SA here (before he went home to be with the Lord) would say, "And so, we pray."
Truly, you are insightful and an author yourself. You write how much dialogue you believe is needed. I try to keep things short. XD
I really do appreciate the effort you have put into this and your insightful comments. I didn't want to have a book out there that young people would not want to read or find it engaging enough to finish. I wanted something that they would be willing to pay decent money for because they thought it was worth it.
John
Dec 30, 2023
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#33
Like I said, I think the book is really good, I like the plot and it was very entertaining to read. Just because there are things that could make it better doesn't mean it is bad, and I can really see that there was a person who has written a lot behind this story.
I suggest you keep writing for as long as God wishes, I think this book (with all the parts together) is worth buying, and I don't see why there wouldn't be more!
Incredible feedback, Coltey. I didn't find it to be confusing, and I completely agree with you.
Also, John, as Coltey pointed out, it is a really good story. With more work, it can be much better, but that doesn't mean it is bad by any means.
Plus, if you do decide to reach out to the community for help, I am willing to do so. It want to work on getting published in the future, but to do so, I think more writing and editing will improve my skills and make that more of an obtainable goal. So, I'd love to help not only to get more writing time, but also to help you with you passion to make a story that will reach people, specifically young adults, and help point them to our savior. If that's not a worthy mission to keep as a priority, I dodn't know what it.
Colteyblack wrote:
Do you write, Elijah?
Yes. So far I haven't had anything published, but I am currently trying. I've never been brave enough to tackle a full-on book, but I've written a few short stories.
Dec 30, 2023
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#37
Ah cool. I've written a book a few years ago and am trying to get it published, my parents are talking to some people, but it's really hard to publish your first book. But I've had a short story published in a pretty big newspaper. Right now I'm working on another book but lately I haven't been writing so much, I used to write 1k words a day on it.
Dec 30, 2023
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#38
Elijah, thanks for the encouragement. I think I would like to take you up on your offer. Maybe, choose a small part and work on it to see where it takes you. Then we can both evaluate, and look for God's peace.
Character development and writing characters that connect with others is pretty new for me. I do devotionals well, and I think I have written a few good short stories. I struggled just to write the dialogue I put in the story, especially Part 2 where I added more dialogue because of your feedback (xD). It is not an area where I currently have grace for that sort of thing.
The main thing is to seriously and earnestly seek the Lord for guidance with the end that He gets the glory, not me or someone else. To be honest, I have looked for recognition (a form of glory) for most of my life, on the one hand. On the other hand, I liked to work behind the scenes and just wanted to see a good result. I would rather hope young people succeed in the future than for me to succeed at this point in my life. My success will be tied with their success. But true success is measured by God and spelled "obedience." If we co-labor with Him, and follow His lead, He will produce fruit that remains in us.
I see the two greatest weaknesses in my book as relatability of characters, as you and Colty pointed out; and, believable dialogue that the readers can relate to as genuine.
You may note that Kate offered to help with the dialogue. She has a big heart, but she gets overcommitted and stressed out. I wouldn't want to contribute to anyone's burden so that they would get stressed out. May the Lord raise up the help He wants. He will give grace, including the ability from Him and the desire to participate, as well as the time.
I would like to see a book that people pick up and find it hard to put down; more importantly, a book that leads them in the right direction so they see that God is real and want to embrace Him.
"And so we pray."
Select_Chicken
Yes the holy and hope thing threw me for a loop
That’s a good thing, to be formal!