Gods of Thunder

imagine deep space, galaxies, nebulae, comets, 

cue music: flight of the valkyrie by solo accordian

the camera moves forward, slowly, but increasing with speed by the second.  Asgard appears, the camera flies over the shining halls, and follows the rainbow bridge to earth.  Mount Olympus looms on the horizon and the camera careens over it like a roller coaster.  Racing out to sea.  A large island appears in the distance.  The kingdom of Olgard.  The camera races accross the great monuments of the capital, out to a non-descript working class neighbourhood where we find an accordian player busking on a street corner outside a plain apartment building pedestrians dropping coins in his up-turned hat.

Just as he reaches the music's crescendo, we heard deep rolling thunder growing into two angry celestial voices...

"SHUT-UP!!!!!! "

and two lightning bolts spark out of an apartment window vapourizing the busker, leaving only ash and a burning accordian to squeeze out a final sour note.

Pilot episode.

-

Zeus:  Who says I bear a grudge?

Thor: I have one word..Prometheus.  He's been in therapy for 500 years.

Zeus:  A smallish grudge, maybe.

Thor: What was the big deal anyway?  So he stole fire.  It's not like he took the blueprint for a nuclear warhead or your internet password.

Zeus: Without him there'd be no bombs..carbon emmissions destroying the planet..Starbucks!

Thor:  You are just a jealous second rate God.  Even Ganymede has a moon named after him..you have a soft drink and an orthopaedic mattress.

Zeus:  That hurt.

Thor:  And I have a day of the week.

Zeus:  I didn't know there was a prats day.

Thor:  Prat i may be (I'm not) but if you're going to make someone invincible don't hold him by his f*cking ankle, that's just basic.

Zeus:  Oh you never let me forget that.

Thor:  Enough pratting around, lets have a thunderbolt competition!

(His thunderbolt flies out of the window and vaporizes a homeless person sat on the street opposite).

Zeus: Oops.

After the pilot episode received huge acclaim in the TV Listings and the Olgard Evening News, the second episode was aired.

-

Bathroom.  Frantic banging on the door.

-

Zeus:  Let's review the situation calmly.  Either that is your mother, or my date,

Thor:  Correct.

Zeus:  Does your date have a key?

Thor:  Yep.

Zeus:  Seriously?  You only just met!

Thor:  Well, i thought it might come in handy and she gets very (whispers)  needy.

Zeus:  So my mother and your date both have a key.  Either my mother or your date will walk in and find us ..here..in the bath..together.

Thor:  How is this a review?

Zeus:  I'm getting there.  If it's my mother she will assume you are my latest boyfriend and go all wedding bells on me.  If it's your date she will assume you are bisexual and cheating on her ..either way they will see us naked and we need a towel..especiall you.

Thor:  Why especially me?

Zeus:  You have that weird tattoo on your left buttock.

Thor:  That's an old norse fighting symbol.

Zeus:  It looks like a hamster in a tree.

(door opens slowly)

Voice:  Are you in..holy shit..(scream)..I can't unsee it!  I can't unsee it!

Enter the cleaner.

Thor:  It's OK we are just stuck.

Cleaner:  It's your business..nothing to do with me.

Zeus:  No, seriously, we have a situation.  One of us needs to be pulled upwards.

Thor:  Badly put.

Cleaner:  No, no, not interested.

Thor:  Look, grab my arms and pull.

(Cleaner grabs his arms and pulls)

Cleaner:  Thor?

Thor:  Yes?

Cleaner:  Why have you got a tattoo of a hamster in a tree on your left buttock?

Episode 3 (the sitcom has been moved to post watershed)

-

Interior.  Zeus and Thor relaxing on a Sunday afternoon.

-

Zeus (holding a tablet):  Ever thought of doing a course?

Thor:  I am a Norse god, i don't do courses.

Zeus:  Well, there's a good selection..how about this one..Anger Management..

Thor:  What the fuck?  What you saying?  You saying i can't control my temper?  Huh?  Come on, out with it. (Hurls thunderbolt across the room, breaking a plate).Is that what you're fucking implying, you miserable, swan fucking, misogynist pillock?

Zeus:  No, i don't know why i thought of it.

Thor:  Give me that (takes tablet)..I might do that one..car maintenance.

Zeus:  You don't have a car.

Thor:  Cookery for one..

Zeus:  How about yoga?

Thor:  That's for girls.

Zeus: Mmmm

Thor:  You do yoga, dont you?

Zeus:  Only once a week and when you're out.

Thor:  Seriously, Zeus, you are getting worse.  You're a real sissy these days.

Zeus:  I find it calming..you're not easy to live with sometimes.

Thor:  Of course im fucking easy.  How much easier can i be?  (throws tablet at Zeus's head).

Scene 4

-

Interior.

-

Zeus:  I think Mary's name is a bit of a misnomer.

Thor:  Why?

Zeus:  Well, Virgin Mary..more like Six Times a Night Mary.  Kind of tarnishes the age old rep. a bit..no wonder the statue in Lourdes is weeping.

Thor:  What can i say, she's waited a long time.

Zeus:  I know the feeling.

Thor:  Maybe if you stopped mooning after boys a third of your age.

Zeus:  Not many 3000 yr olds are all that fanciable.

Thor:  You could do with losing a few pounds as well.

Zeus:  What? (pulls in stomach) I'm an ideal weight.

Thor:  For a baby rhino.

Zeus:  I can still run up three flights of stairs.

Thor:  Well i have heard it whispered that the pizza delivery boy thinks you're hot.

Zeus:  Really?

Thor:  No, not really.  He's 12!

Zeus:  My mother keeps asking when i'm going to settle down, she's so desperate that even you are starting to look good.

Thor:  She hates me!

Zeus:  Only cos you threw her out the window.

Thor:  Well sometimes she is REALLY annoying.

Zeus:  She tries to set me up with strange Hindu Gods.

Thor:  Why strange?

Zeus:  Half of them have Ox's heads and the others are half horse.

Thor:  You need never go hungry.

Scene 6..in which Mary is going to meet Odin. 

Interior.

Mary:  Anything i should know?

Zeus:  Where do i start?

Mary:  He can't be that bad.

Zeus:  In the same way a tropical hurricane cant be that bad.

Mary:  Well, just the basics..

Zeus:  He doesn't eat.

Mary:  Is he anorexic?

Zeus:  Probably by now, but keep him away from the Communion wine.

Mary:  (makes notes) Eating disorder, no wine, ok, go on..

Zeus:  He has an 8 footed horse.

Mary (writes) Eight foot horse.

Zeus:  His name is Sleipnir, not Sleepnir, not Sightseer - I called him that once and Odin shot a lightening bolt at my head.

Mary:  Is that how you got that scar?

Zeus:  No, that was when me and Dionysis..oh never mind..

Mary:  What else?

Zeus:  He has pet ravens.

Mary:  Like the Tower of London?

Zeus:  No

Mary:  Like Edgar Alan Poe?

Zeus:  No

Mary:  What are they for?

Zeus:  One is thought and one is memory. I forget which is which. Just don't touch them and don't make Nevermore jokes, he doesn't like it.  He has no sense of humour.

Mary (writes) Ravens..no jokes..this is very helpful.

Zeus:  And wolves.

Mary:  Don't tell me, they're 8 feet tall too.

Zeus:  They do have eight feet between them..Freki and Geri.

Mary:  After the spice girl?

Zeus:  There was a spice girl called Freki?

(Mary gives him an old fashioned look).

Zeus:  have you met any of your boyfriend's dads before?

Mary:  No, Joseph was an orphan.

Zeus:  Well, you might want to play down the catholic thing a bit.  That whole transubstantiation thing turns his stomach, he can't stand blood.

Mary:  Actually, im a bit lapsed myself.

Zeus:  You're a saint, how can you be lapsed?

Mary:  Its what we catholics do.. we start off all devout, discover sex and..poof!..lapsed.

Zeus:  Does your son know about that?

Mary:  Which one, ive got 343.

And the follow up..

Interior

-

Thor and Zeus hanging out after the visit to his dad.

-

Zeus:  How did it go?

Thor:  Turns out Mazza is a bit thick.

Zeus:  She took a lot of notes.

Thor:  She lost her notes trying to fend off the ravens when they got in her hair..she got the birds and wolves mixed up and called the horse Sleepy Knees.

Zeus:  Holy fuck.

Thor: She also asked why dad only has one eye, a fact you forgot to mention, she actually said "I didn't know you were a cyclops".

Zeus: (buries his head in his hands) well, at least one good thing came out of it.

Thor:  What?

Zeus:  She set me up with Gabriel. I'm taking him for a pizza tonight.

Thor:  Gabriel as in..?

Zeus:  as in drop dead gorgeous angel, yes, yes, yes!  He's been at a loose end for a few thousand years.  I mean he got a huge gig in Bethlehem circa 0BC, scared the shit out of some shepherds and sent Herod on a wild goose chase, but then it all went a bit quiet and he's been a bit bored.

Thor:  So the climax of his existence will be a margherrita with extra pineapple in the local trattoria.

Zeus:  i thought we'd spit the bill..can you lend me 10 dollars?

A bit of action.

Zeus and Gabriel are walking into the apartment building, an arrow whistles past Gabriel's head and kills a passing cat.  The arrow has come from Zeus's apartment window.  Gabriel and Zeus enter together.

A scantily dressed girl is holding a bow in her hand.

Thor:  Oh there you are..meet Dianna..Dianna meet Zeus and Gabriel.

Zeus:  Nice shot with the ..er..dead cat.

Dianna:  I was aiming at the scummy patrolman who gave me a ticket.

Gabriel:  An inch to the left, and i'd have lost an arm

Zeus:  Don't over react, save the drama for the uneducated and prats on camels who follow comets into the desert.

(phone rings, Thor answers it)

Thor:  It's Rhea, she's on her way up the st...(door opens and simultaneously Zeus pushes Gabriel into a cupboard and slams the door)

Rhea:  Oh, Thor, hello..Dianna, nice to see you, ive come to visit my son (gives Zeus an air kiss) as i was passing.  There's a dead cat on the apartment steps, i nearly tripped over it.

Zeus:  Um, mother, it's not a good time.

Rhea:  Of course it is dear, i will have some tea.

(kitchen)

Thor:  What's wrong?  Why did you throw your date into a broom cupboard?

Zeus:  Mum thinks i'm straight.

Thor:  Holy shit..you're kidding!

Zeus:  No, she thinks the whole gay thing is a phase, so i told her it was just to shut her up.

(muffled noises from the cupboard)

Rhea:  zeus dear, you seem to have someone in your broom cupboard.

Thor:  It's the meter man.

Rhea:  How long does it take to read a meter?

Thor:  He's..er..blind.

(Zeus punches Thor on the arm)

There is a knock on the door, Mary's voice

Mary:  Thor, i know you're in there.  Why have you been ignoring my calls?

Mary enters (looks at Dianna) Who's that?

Thor:  Pest control.

Dianna:  Who is she?

Thor (looks at Zeus) Who is she..think!

Zeus:  the cleaner.

Mary:  I'm not a cleaner, well, not for a while now..Thor?

Thor:  What?

Mary:  There's someone in that cupboard.

Rhea:  That's what i said.

Zeus:  It's the blind meter reader.  Look, can some people who are here please leave, i'm getting a headache.

Mary:  You haven't heard the last of this.

Dianna:  I need a cleaner..are you free on Tuesdays?

Mary:  Yes, i am.

They leave together.

Thor:  I must get that key back from Mary.

Rhea:  i think the meter man said something about asphyxiation and a pizza was never worth this.

Zeus:  He's not right in the head.

Thor:  he thinks he's an angel, hahaha

Rhea:  Poor man.

Broom cupboard door opens, Gabriel falls out gasping.

Gabriel:  this is bad for my asthma.

Rhea:  Blind, stupid and asthmatic..some guys have all the bad luck.  Have a nice cup of tea Mr..eh..

Gabriel;  gabriel.

Rhea:  Mr Gabriel. (looks at him flirtily) you have very blue eyes (wink) no-one would know you are blind.

Interior

Thor:  Cronos is being sick again.

Zeus:  Great, more brothers and sisters.

(banging on the door)

Voice:  Police, open up.

Zeus:  Police?  what do they want?

Thor: No idea.

Voice:  Police..open up or we shoot!

Thor:  It's pathetic but top marks for guts.

Zeus:  We better let them in (opens door)

Enter woman police officer.

Thor:  It's a babe!

Policewoman:  Yeah, i can make my voice sound like a man, or a child, or a lion, or a budgie..delete where applicable.  My name's Thetis.

Thor:  I swear the lid was tight shut on the trash can when i put it out last night.

Thetis: Pity you're not so careful with boxes.

Zeus:  I have a feeling i'm not going to like this.

Cronos emerges from the bathroom:  Zeus, you have another sister.

Thor:  Great!  Is she hot?

Zeus:  dad, we have a bit of a thing going on here, can i catch up with you later.

Cronos leaves with baby sister.

Thetis:  Pandora is in a bad mood.  Not only did you tell her you'd call and then didn't, but she wants her box back.

Thor:  I threw it away, the lid kept coming off.

Thetis:  She says she told you not to open it, not ever, under any circumstances..

Zeus:  red rag to a bull.

Thor:  Tell me not to do something and its as good as done.Ancient seals, boxes..tell me not to open them and i'm gonna open them just to see..who wouldn't?

Zeus:  You just unleashed chaos on the world.

Thor:  will anyone notice the difference?

Cronos (standing in doorway):  There's 4 horsemen downstairs asking for Thor.

Thor:  Not again!

Explanations.

-

A year previously.

A mansion, everything is white except the aquamarine swimming pool.  Views across a mediterranean landscape.  Hera and Zeus are drinking coctails by the pool.

Hera:  I'm divorcing you, Zeus.  I'm taking you for every dracma you have.  And don't think you can go on living here.  i'm claiming it as my family home.  i'm taking custody of the gold fish, the marble statues and the pool boy who, it turns out, is bisexual (sticks tongue out).

Zeus:  Where am i going to live?  What am i going to live on?  Plus that boy swore he was a hundred per cent gay.

Hera:  Didn't you learn anything from Dionysis?  He was about as gay as a funeral pyre, he just wanted your money.

Zeus:  As do you.

Hera:  Well at least i stuck around long enough to give you kids, which, given your sexual proclivities, was a miracle in itself.

Zeus:  I'd get my lawyer, but he killed himself.

Hera: Why?

Zeus:  I don't know but no-one was allowed to mention tax returns at his funeral.

Hera:  I heard that Thor was looking for someone to flat share.

Zeus:  That bloody idiot?  It would be like sharing your life with Hannible Lecter crossed with Joe Frasier in a bad mood.

Hera:  Well, like living with your father then..without the eating babies bit.

Zeus:  Give me his number.

Explanations (2)

-

A year previously..

In the northern hemisphere.  An advert in The Vengeful Norseman Express:

Flat share available.  I am Thor and, through no fault of my own, i am seeking a flat mate.  You must be clean, tidy, reasonably quiet, well organised (because i am not), reliable (ditto last remark),and tolerant of bad moods. If anger, violence or homocide upset you, you need not apply.  I require a deposit and written promise of no litigation no matter what..signed in blood. 

To editor:  What the fuck you mean too many words?  Your paper is so full of important news you can't spare an inch for a decent sized advert?  You brain dead moron, you took my money and i will have as may words as i fucking want.  If you value your moron face, you will let me.

Where was i?

Interior

-

Fedex Guy:  Delivery for Thor.

Thor signs.

Six men enter carrying a tank of water containing a mermaid.

Thor:  Holy shit.

Zeus:  That's what you get when you order stuff on the internet.

Thor:  I didn't order this.

Mermaid:  I beg to differ.  i'm your mail order bride.  Pleased to meet you.

Thor:  There's been a mistake.  Why would i want a fish for a bride?

Mermaid:  Rude!  And you did..look (produces document).  Requirements - blonde (flicks her hair), measurements 36, 24, 25 dollars per pound, must speak Norse..well you cant have everything.

Thor:  No offence but you're ok at the top but just where a woman gets really inreresting, you are a FISH.

Mermaid:  details, details

Zeus:  I like her.

Thor:  No, i'm sorry, she is going back.  Did you come with a returns label?

Mermaid:  You can't send me back.  Under the terms and conditions you agreed we are now bound together for life - plus you agreed to get me one of those little plastic mirrors..

Thor:  But i didn't order you!

Zeus:  Someone somewhere is really gutted to get a lump hammer in the post.

Mermaid:  You won't be disappointed, i'm very bendy.

Thor:  So is a conga eel but I don't want to marry one.  Look, you're going to have to go back in the sea - enjoy your freedom!

At this point several things happen at once.  The mermaid gets out of the tank and removes her tail rrevealing two legs in Wrangler jeans and Loki appears from the balcony and shouts "Gotcha!"

Thor:  Loki!

Loki:  Yes!

Thor:  You're dead!

Next scene.  Loki is tied to the fire escape with a dish hanging above his head.  The dish is full of spiders.  Every so often Thor prods the dish and a spider drops on Loki's head to deafening screams.

Zeus:  He REALLY doesn't like spiders, does he!

Auditorium

-

Zeus is auditioning for his musical.  He and Thor are sat in front of a stage.

Enter hobo carrying a bottle.

Zeus:  Next!

Enter Puerto Rican street kid.

Zeus:  Name?

Kid:  Bragi..one g

Thor:  Can you sing?

Bragi:  Nah, tht's for pansies.

eus:  Dance?

Bragi: I can do a head spin.

Zeus:  It's not really that kind of musical.

Bragi:  Musical?  I thought this was Drug addicts Anonymous.

Thor:  Next!

Enter man in overalls.

Zeus:  Name..oh never mind, can you sing?

Man:  No

Zeus:  Dance?

Man: No

Zeus:  So why are you here?

Man:  Ive come to fix the heating.

Thor:  Next!

Enter girl, about 8, in a tutu, she does an exaggerated flourish and curtsy.

Zeus:  Next!

Enter young, pretty blonde girl.

Thor:  That's more like it.

Zeus:  Can you sing?

Girl:  Yes, ive been on broadway.

Zeus:  Can you dance?

Girl:  I graduated from dance academy last year.

Zeus:  can we see.

(girl breaks into impressive dance routine).

Thor:  Do you take it from behind?

Zeus/Girl:  What???

Thor:  Oops, thinking aloud.

Girl:  Perverts!  I shoud have known..you can stick your audition where the sun don't shine..bastards!

Zeus:  Nice one, Casanova.

Thor:  Next!

Bureaucracy Gone Mad.

-

Interor.  Thor is on the phone.

Zeus:  Who are you talking to?

Thor:  An idiot in lost property.  I left my hammer on a bus.

Voice:  Can you describe your hammer, sir?

Thor:  Yes, it's a hammer.

Voice:  I understand that, sir, but you need to provide a full description.

Thor:  Put 'hammer'.

Voice:  I can't just put 'hammer' sir, I need more detail.

Thor:  So you can distinguish it from all the other hammers left on a bus this morning?

Voice:  Exactly, sir.

Thor:  How many hammers would you say get left on an averge bus each year?

Voice:  I'm not privvy to those statistics, sir.

Thor:  Suppose i'd left a screwdriver?

Voice:  Have you lost a screwdriver?

Thor:  No, i haven't lost a fucking screwdriver.  I'm just saying..IF i'd lost a screwdriver would you need a description of that?

Voice:  No need to take that tone, sir.  A screwdriver is a different form, i'll have to get it.

Thor:  No!  Don't get it!  I haven't lost a screwdriver, just a screw talking to you.

Voice:  If you don't mind ma saying, sir, you are being slightly difficult.  First you lose a hammer you can't describe, then you lose a screwdriver, then you haven't lost a screwdriver.  Maybe, sir, you haven't lost a hammer either.  It might turn up with the screwdriver.

Thor:  ye Gods!  Hang on, Loki, is that you?

Voice:  Who?

Thor: Never mind.

Voice:  Something else you may, or may not, have lost?

Thor:  Look, you snivelling, ignorant, low life, brain-of-an-amoeba proll..

Voice:  hang on, sir, a hammer has just been handed in.  Has yours any distinguishing marks?

Thor:  You see the little chip in the top of the head?

Voice:  Yes!

Thor:  That's where i lamped someone who was pissing me off.

Voice:  I'll keep it by the counter for you, sir.

Pet Gate.

=

Zeus:  What are you looking at..only every so often you frown in that cute way you do when..well never mind when..

Gabriel:  I've decided to get a dog.

Zeus:  A dog?

Gabriel:  yes, four legged thing, tail, teeth, barks occasionally.

Zeus\;  What kind of dog do you want?

Gabriel:  Well i see myself with a Pyrnnean mountain dog, or a newfoundland..

Zeus:  You do?  I was thinking a Shitzu or a Jack Russell, something sall and compact.

Gabriel:  I want a dog, not a suitcase.

Zeus:  Um..where would it live?

Gabriel:  Here, this is where i spend most of my time.

Zeus: Yes..about that..

Gabriel:  No point it living at my place when i'm here.

Zeus:  I think we should run this past thor.

Gabriel:  here we are..dog needs home..reason for rehoming..completely mad.

Zeus:  Don't tell me, it used to guard the underworld.

Gabriel\;  No, it was a police guard dog.

Zeus;  Holy shit.

Gabriel:  We can share it, it will be our baby, we can play games in the park..

Zeus:  Games like Chase the Robber and Maul the Toddler..

Gabriel:  And...click, it's mine.

Two days later

Thor enters the apartment.  A huge fierce-looking dog growls at him.

Thor:  Holy crap!

Zeus:  meet Orpheus but don't make any sudden movements.

Thor:  Its eyes are actually red.

Zeus:  Don't blame me, i wanted a goldfish.

Then there was a short one (my personal favourite)

-

Thor:  So..Loki, by the way, you've got a spider just there on your shoulder..

Loki:  Argh, get it off, get it off!!

Thor:  Kidding.  So what are you doing for a job these days?

Loki:  I'm a hair dresser.

Gabriel:  Cool..can you do mine?

Thor:  er.. Gabe, i wouldn't trust him if i were you.

Gabriel:  My roots need doing.  I'm not a natural blonde as depicted in biblical paintings..i have to pay to look like this.

Loki:  OK, i'll do you.

Zeus:  Gabee, are you sure about this.  I mean this is the demon who ruined the hair of the most beautiful goddess.

Loki:  For fucks sake, that was centuries ago.  Now Gabriel, would you like to go platinum or an undertated yellow?

Zeus:  Nothing about Gabe is understated.

Thor (whispers to Loki) mess this up and i'll give you $500 and a dog.

Loki:  Done.

An hour later.  Towel is removed.  Gabriel has bright blue hair.

Thor:  You look like a smurf.

Gabriel:  Shit.

Thor:  Bye bye Orpheus, have a good life.

Thor asks Gabriel to Leave.

-

Thor:  What the fuck does Gabriel find to do in the bathroom for two and a half hours?

Zeus:  He is trying to get the blue dye out of his hair.

Thor:  He has to go.  I don't think he has left the apartment for two weeks.

Zeus:  tell me about it, i've tried everything i can think of.

Thor:  Like what?

Zeus:  I told him the apartment is haunted - he just stuck by me even more.  Then, when nothing happened, he forgot about it.

Thor:  What else?

I tried beating him up..i disguised it as rough sex but it amounted to the same thing.

Thor:  And?

Zeus:  He loved it.

Thor:  Anything else?

Zeus:  Bribery.  I offered to give him 2 tickets for a Carrabean cruise so long as he didn't take me with him.

Thor:  And?

Zeus:  He's going to ask you to go with him.

Thor:  That's it.  No more Mr Nice God, it's time for some tough love.

(Enter Gabriel with a towel on his head).

Thor:  Gabriel, sit down.

Gabriel sits.

Thor:  Listen, you have outstayed your welcome.  Like the ballast on a sinking ship, like the third wheel on a bicycle, like the stray cat that won't go away no matter how many stones are thrown at it..

Gabriel:  Huh?

Thor:  FUCK OFF!!!

The Lottery Ticket One

-

he lottery draw is on TV.

-

Thor:  what numbers have you got?

Zeus: 1,2,3,4,5,6

Thor:  Bonus ball?

Zeus: 7

Thor:  Imaginative.

Zeus:  Those numbers have as much chance of coming up as any others.  Each number has a one in 39 chance of coming up no matter which one you choose.  The chance of all the numbers comin up is 39 x 39 to the power of 7.

Thor:  You've been talking to Pythagorus again.

Zeus:  he knew his stuff.  There's more chance of finding the money in the street than of winning the lottery.

Thor:  I knew someone who did that once...not money, but a ring.  So he put this ring on and a genie appeared and said he couldd have one wish so long as it wasn't for a hundred more wishes.

Zeus:  yeah, that old chestnut.

Thor:  So he wishes for enough money to be comfortable for the rest of his life.  So long as it didn't impact badly on anyone he loved, or liked, or knew.  He said by 'badly' he meant he didn't want anyone to die, and by 'knew' he didn't mean famous people although he wouldnt want that either.  Then he said he didn't want anyone atall to get hurt.  By now the genie is pissed off and has gone away.

Zeus:  Bummer.

Thor:  So he gives the ring to a homeless person.

Zeus:  What did HE wish for?

Thor:  He spontaneously combusted.

Zeus gives Thor an incredulous look.

Thor: What?

The Wine One

-

Interior

-

Knock on the door.  Enter Loki looking dishevelled and muddy.

Loki:  Thanks for this, bro..oh, did you know there's a dead cat on your steps?

Zeus:  What the fuck?

Loki:  can i use your shower..thanks..got any towels?..and shower gel..and maybe some toothpaste?

Thor:  Use whats in there but dont touch the pink toothbrush, Zeus is funny about things like that.

Loki exits into bathroom

Zeus:  I say again..what the fuck?

Thor:  he's hiding from my dad.

Zeus:  Your dad, as in Odin..and he's hiding here..with us..us..

Thor:  Sometimes i wonder if you're going deaf..yes he's hiding here..probably the lst place dad would expect after the spider incident.

Zeus:  Why?

Thor:  He replaced the entire contents of dad's wine cellar with water and left a note saying it was Jesus doing a reverse miracle.

Zeus laughs.

Thor:  So dad said if he caught him, he would drown him in a vat of ale.

Zeus:  To be fair, that's better than the snake thing.

Loki enters with a towel round his waist..Hey, did you guys know you have no hot water?

Zeus:  Feel free to pay the bill then you can have some.

Intercom buzzes

Thor:  Hello?

Voice:  It's your father, i'm coming up.

Loki/Thor/Zeus:  Shit!

Thor:  Loki, how long can you hold onto a fire escape by your fingertips?

Loki:  I don't know..why?

Thor:  You're about to find out.

2 mins later

Enter Odin.

Odin:  Did you see that dead cat on your steps?

Thor:  Another one?  Look dad i hate to sound unsonlike..but why are you here?

Odin:  I'm looking for that scumbag Loki..if you see him, hold onto him til i get here.

Thor:  We haven't seen him, have we Zeus?

Zeus:  Not for a long, long, long time.

Odin:  I want to use your bathroom

Zeus:  He isn't there.

Odin:  I know, i need a shit.

Exit Odin into bathroom.  Crying sound from balcony.

Thor (whispers): stop blubbing and hold on.

Odin: You have no hot water.

Thor:  Im just off to pay the bill, let me show you out.

Thor and Odin leave.

Zeus pulls Loki up from the balcony.

Loki:  My hands are going to be stuck in this claw shape forever..i cant move my fingers!

Zeus:  it's better than being drowned in ale or chained to a rock with a spitting snake, pull yourself together.  Why don't you just give him his wine back?

Loki:  I sold it to a rock concert organiser.

Loki:  That's your rent sorted..hand it over.