Gods of Thunder

Swimming Pool.  Poseidon is the instructor as he has fallen on hard times and shipwrecks are in short supply.  Conan wants to be an Aquanaut when he grows up and has been chanting 'Seas The Day' until Thor agreed to send him to swimming and survival lessons.  Thor and Gabriel are watching from the side of the pool.  -

Gabriel:  The other kids don't seem to want to stand next to him.

Thor:  It's ok, i had the same thing happen and it didn't do me any harm

Poseidon:  Ok, shut the fuck up and listen..

Thor:  Eloquent as ever..

Poseidon:  The sea is a vast and dangerous place..unpredictable and riven with danger.  Always be prepared for the worst, always be on your guard, never ever allow yourself to be taken by surprise..

*splash*

Gabriel:  did Conan just push Poseidon into the pool.

Thor:  Yep.

Conan:  Dyou mean like that kind of surprise?

Gabriel:  Poseidon looks a bit silly now.

All the children are laughing.

Poseidon:  That is an example of what happens when you don't concentrate and assume that four year olds are not as strong as you. In the ocean you must never make assumptions.

Five minutes later.

Gabriel:  Is Conan supposed to do that with a rubber ring?

Thor:  It's a novel way to incapacitate your enemy.

Gabriel:  he has a good leg kick, ooh er, maybe Poseidon shouldn't

grab his legs from behind like that..

Conan kicks Poseidon in the head.  Poseidon groans.  Conan climbs onto his shoulders and bashes him with one of the floats.

Thor:  Well, he can't swim but he's a shoe-in for a security job.

Poseidon:  Arghhhh..i resign..get off..this just isn't worth the money..

Conan:  Look daddy, i'm winning!

Poseidon..

that's the love child shwarzenegger had with his maid by the way....

and I LOVE

"seas the day"

that is the new official motto of the aquanauts

YOU told ME that seas the day was their motto a while back..

New Year Gods of Thunder Special..billed as The Event of The Year in the Olgard TV Schedule.

-

Interior.

-

Zeus:  Thor?  There's a large green man on the fire escape.

Thor:  Holy fuck.

Hulk enters via the fire escape door.

Hulk:  Hi chaps.

Zeus:  Who the fuck are you?

Hulk:  David Banner..i'm usually less green but every time i change back my pants fall down which gets awkward.

Thor:  I'm hallucinating fictional characters now.

Zeus:  What did you want or is this purely a social call?

Hulk:  The Marvel Gang are struggling in their fight against The Evil Trump and we need Thor and Loki on board.

Thor:  Fight?  I'm in..let's go.

Zeus:  Me too?

Hulk:  No offence, but you're not an Avenger.

Zeus:  None taken.  Hope you get blown up you green atrocity.

Scene changes to battlefield..present are Wolverine, Captain America, spider Man, Storm, Black Widow, Hulk , Thor and Loki.

The army of the Evil Trump are all cyborgs with lasers.

Thor runs into the thick of battle with his hammer, Loki is close behind with his sceptre...

Thor:  What's the sceptre do?

Loki:  Fuck if i know, i just got handed it.

Spiderman is tying the enemy is knots and Wolverine is being heroically indistructable but its Thor's hammer doing most of the damage.

The sky darkens ominously as a space ship hovers and 80 thousand cyborg troops with t shirts sporting the ogo 'Keep Mexicans Out' join the fray with nuclear weapons.  The avengers start to fall, Thors hammer gets stuck and loki finds that his sceptre is 'bloody useless'.

Just as the battle seems lost and Captain America starts to look ' a bit worried now'..a huge nuclear explosion is detonated.  Thor prepares to die, as does Loki..when a voice says brightly

Zeus:  Cup of tea anyone?

Thor wakes up.

The fact it was a dream should not detract from the hugely entertaining action.

Thor:  thank fuck there isnt really an Evil Trump.

Zeus:  Nah, stupid name as well.

Thor:  Who the fuck would be called Trump?

Zeus:  I dreamed i was competing in dancing on Ice with Gabriel.

Thor:  I worry about you sometimes.

I always read Thor comics as a kid, but they couldn't hold a candle to Conan.

As series 2 opens, Conan is now a ten year old.  This leap will be bridged in two conversations..the first when Conan is about 5 and then the exact same conversation when he is ten.  Thor has been asked by Qetesh to have 'the talk' man to man with his son.

Conan @ 5yrs having the talk...

Thor: Conan, put the light sabre down a minute, we need to have a chat.

Conan:  We're always chatting..(stabs Thor in the stomach).

Thor:  Yes, but this is a different sort of chat so sit down and listen.

Conan:  It's 'sit down and listen, skywalker'...are you going to tell me you're not my dad?|

Thor:  No..

Conan:  You're not??????

Thor:  I am, that's not what i want to say. 

Conan: Mummy says you might not be, she says she 'put it about a bit'..what does that mean?

Thor:  It's funny you should ask..

Conan:  Does it mean she leaves things lying around?|

Thor:  She may do, but look..mummy has asked me to talk to you man to man.  About things that a growing boy should know.

Conan:  Like knots..

Thor:  And

Conan:  The name of all the star wars characters..

Thor:  Yes, but..

Conan:  How to make a swing..how to tie up Gabriel..

Thor:  I've got a head ache.

Conan:  I wouldn't mind if Gabriel was my dad..

Thor:  Ye Gods

Conan:  What were you going to say?

Thor:  As you get older, you might start to notice 'girls'.

Conan:  I do notice them.  They smell.

Thor:  Well one day you might like that they smell, you might even feel a bit excited..

Conan:  I wont ever find smells exciting..soldiers and battles are exciting, smells are just smells.

Thor\:  Well, its more the girl you would find exciting..things might feel funny down below..

Conan:  Will my feet itch?

Thor:  No

Conan:  Will i get hives on my knees?

Thor:  No..why on earth would you get hives there?

Conan:  Gabriel does.  He says its his curse.

Thor:  I thought having no brain was his curse.

Conan:  Can i go and fight the Evil Warlords now?

Thor:  Yes.  Fuck off.

-

Same talk 5 yrs later.

Thor:  Conan, sit down a minute, i need to have a talk with you.

Conan:  Uh oh.

Thor:  Uh oh?

Conan:  Is this about me shooting Loki in the groin?

Thor:  No, but well done.

Conan:  Oh no, it's not 'the' talk is it?

Thor: well, if you mean the father son chat about life and things..

Conan:  Sex.  You want to talk about sex.  Really?  You know the internet is full of that stuff. Grinder, Find A Woman, Find A man, Im Gay, Im Straight, Im Both, Transgender, both genders, I Dont Know What gender..ive seen it all dad, plus i've read "50 shades of grey twice."

Thor:  Yes, but porn doesn't tell you everything..

Conan:  it pretty much does.  I know about condoms and women taking the pill, and the rythm method,the coil, the withdrawl method, the cap, spermicide..plus checking for holes in the condom.  Those things are only 99 per cent safe.

Thor:  well im glad you know all about that but..

Conan:  But sometimes women say yes and mean no, sometimes they say no and mean yes, and if they say no and mean no you have to stop so best not try to guess when they mean yes.

Thor:  How old are you again?

Conan:  Ten

Zeus:  The internet has a lot to answer for.

Thor:  (to Conan) you havent already got a girlfriend have you?

Conan:  Fuck, no, girls are smelly.

I had the greatest fun writing that :)

Interior.

-

Conan:  Gabriel wants to stage a musical.

Thor:  You are never seeing Gabriel again.

Conan: He wants me to play the lead, he says i have a deep barritone voice.

Thor:  OK, first..Gabriel has the brain of a demented gnat, second..musicals were invented to torture sane people and interrupt the plot of otherwise decent films, and third..the reason you have a deep baritone voice is to be good at rousing battle worn troops, not to sing 'oh what a beautiful morning' type trash for Gabriel.

Conan:  Gabriel says that you are anally retentive.

Thor:  I'll tear his wings off.

Conan:  And an unstable psychopath.

Thor:  There are two rules for being around Gabriel..a. dont listen to a word he says and b. kick him in the balls whenever you get the chance.

Conan:  He also said you are a frustrated has been.

Thor:  I think it's time we did some archery practice.

Exterior shot.  In Odin's garden.  Thor and Conan are shooting arrows together.  At first the camera is only on them.

Thor:  That was pretty close, son, well done.

Conan:  Are you sure he doesn't mind?

Thor:  Im sure.

More arrows are fired.  The camera pans round to the target which is Gabriel tied upside down to a post.  There are several arrows sticking out of the post and a few in his hair.

Conan:  I got one right between his toes!

Thor:  Now aim a bit higher.

Gabriel:  (to Thor)..And you're a fucking bad loser!

Thor:  And...(shoots)

Gabriel:  Argggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Odin and Gabriel have decided to enter in to a civil partnership 'for tax reasons'.  Apparantly Gabriel is tax deductable which (in Thor's words) makes him "some f*cking use after all".  The cermony is to be held at Odin's home and Gabriel wants Thor to be his 'best man'.  Thor has agreed on condition that Gabriel stops playing 1950's musicals to Conan every time they meet up.  (This after he heard Conan singing 'you'll never walk alone' in the shower one morning).

The ceremony is brief, but touching and the reception is the biggest p*ss up you can imagine this side of Mars.

The entire room has been drinking, fighting, cussing and hurling insults at each other all afternoon.  Time for Thor's speech.

Thor:  Shut the fuck up!

There is silence. (One lone voice whispers 'and you're a wanker' to his neighbour).

I have watched this relationship..blossom isn't the word..fester..for many months.  I can honestly say that i think my dad has a screw loose wanting to be in the same room, never mind marrying Gabriel..but hey, what can you do?  (to Gabriel) this doesn't mean you're getting your greedy little hands on my inheritance either.  I hope they will survive living together without one of them (dad) putting a shovel through the other's head (Gabriel), but somehow i doubt it.  But then again, dysfunctional, sexually confused, rubbish family dynamics seem to be the pre-ordained lot of us Gods.  Ok..im gonna get very very drunk.  Piss off.

Everyone cheers and resumes the fight they were having.

Gabriel (wiping a tear from his eye)  That was so moving..

Zeus:  Good way with words, Thor.

Loki:  Hey, Thor..the two headed God thing over there just called you a tosser, let's GET him!

-

(This episode is dedicated to Regi Mental who seems to have vanished).

Thor has gone missing, and he owes money on the rent.  So Zeus is eager to find him.

-

Zeus (on phone):  Qetesh?  It's Zeus.  Zeus.  Z_E_U_S.  Yeah, that one.  Have you seen Thor recently?

Qetesh:  Conan!  Have you seen your dad?

Conan:  Which one?

Qetesh:  Biological.

Conan: No.

Qetesh:  No, Zeus, we haven't seen him.

Zeus (on phone):  Gabriel!  It's Zeus.  Zeus.  Ex lover, God of the universe, you remember!  Look, have you seen Thor?

Gabriel:  Not since..um..when was it..er..

Zeus:  Have you seen Thor in the last few days?

Gabriel:  Oh, no, in that case.

Zeus:  Can you ask Odin?

Gabriel:  Odin, my sweet..

(Zeus cringes)

Gabriel:  Have you seen your son?

Odin:  Which one.

Gabriel:  The constantly angry one who acts like he has a spear wedged up his jacksy.

Odin:  Thor..no.

Zeus (on phone):  Diana..it's me, Zeus.  Zeus.  ZEUS..Jesus, am i so unmemorable??

Diana:  Whassup?

Zeus:  Have you seen Thor lately?

Diana:  Is this a piss take?

Zeus:  No!

Diana:  Then no.  I don't bother kepping in touch with two timing scum who have babies by other women..im a bit funny like that.

Zeus:  Im sure he meant well..

Diana:  Fuck off.

Zeus (on phone);  Mary, it's Zeus, spelled ZEUS, we met briefly 11 years ago..you remember?  Thank fuck.  Have you by any chance seen Thor around?

Mary:  Thor..mm..which one was Thor?

Zeus:  Seriously?  There have been that many?

Mary:  What can i say, im a popular girl..its the virgin thing, you know.

Zeus:  Thor was the big muscley one, six foot, built like a barn door..rude

Mary:  Thor, yes, i remember..no  I haven't seen him, but send him my love and tell him if he ever wants me to do that 'thing' with him again, im game.

Zeus:  im not asking, it's probably disgusting.

Mary:  Well, obviously.

Zeus(on phone):  Loki, its Zeus.

Loki:  Who?

Zeus:  For fucks sake..ZEUS!  Have you by any chance run across Thor lately.

Loki:  Who's asking?

Zeus:  I am, you dimwit.

Loki:  In that case..no.

Zeus:  What do you mean 'in that case'..suppose i was someone else, would you have seen him then?

Loki:  Nope.

Zeus:  I need to go and find him, wll you help?

Loki:  What's it worth?

Zeus:  Me NOT kicking your head in?

Loki:  OK.

Zeus and Loki are strolling through some wild woods, both are dishevelled and footsore.  They see a river and by the river they see a fisherman..Thor.

Zeus:  Thor!  What the holy fuck do you think you are doing?

Thor:  Fishing. 

Loki:  Caught anything?

Zeus:  Youre coming back with me, you owe rent and we could be evicted.

Thor:  chill, my squat little friend, I will return when i've caught some more trout.  Now your noise is scaring them away so off you fuck.

Zeus:  Unbelievable.

Loki:  Trout, mmm..can i stay for tea?

(this episode was inspired by people who go missing..)

Same setting..next day. (This was inspired by..um..someone).

Zeus:  I am NEVER sleeping out in the open ever again.  I'm sure there was a bear in those woods.

Loki:  Really?  I slept like a top.

Zeus:  What does a top sleep like?

Loki:  i dont know, ask Gabriel.

(enter Gabrriel)

Zeus:  Oh speak of the proverbial devil, but in this case the devil you know is not better.

Gabriel:  Ive got bacon baps for us all..oh except Thor, he can eat his trout.

Zeus:  He seems pretty determined not to come home.  Must be a midlife crisis.

Loki:  Why the fuck doesn't he just buy a Ferrari.?

Gabriel:  I did that when i had my mid life crisis (about 300 yrs ago), only it wasn't a Ferrari, it was a chariot.

Loki:  Four wheel drive?

Gabriel:  Six horse power, assisted breaking..everything!

Zeus:  can we concentrate on Thor?  How are we going to drag him away from this trout infested, god forsaken back woods expedition?

Loki:  We could tell him the World Cup is on telly.

Zeus:  he hates football.

Loki:  How about re-runs of Cagney and Lacey?

Gabriel:  oooh, i love that show.

Zeus:  Ye gods of fuck, im gonna be spending the rest of my life stuck out here with you two, until a bear eats me, at this rate.

Gabriel:  you are such a drama queen.

Zeus:  A phrase comes to mind..something about pots and kettles.

Loki:  Thor is gathering firewood..he looks happy as a pig in shit.

Loki:  And that trout smells nice...

Zeus:  hang on..whats he doing?...He's jumping around waving his arms..hi, Thor! (waves back)

Loki:  He's coming this way.

Thor:  Get me the hell out of here and get me out now.

Loki/Zeus/Gabriel:  Sure..but, you were so happy doing your Bear Grylls impersonation..what went wrong?

Thor:  Fucking black flies.

Loki:  Oh them!

I do fully believe that black flies can humble any god.