Gods of Thunder
Sort:
is that ted danson?
I like where this is going...
they should start trying to get rid of him, but find it impossible
Woods.
-
Thor has rigged up a rope trap that suspends the victim from a tree. He is walking in its vicinity with Zeus and Conan. Conan is riding on Zeus's shoulders calling for him to 'giddy up'.
Conan: Zoot is my horse, he has 8 legs and goes like the wind.
(kicks Zeus in the side)
Zeus: Your horse is getting tired, i think you'd better dismount for a while.
Thor: I need a brave warrior to go into the woods and pick some mushrooms.
Conan: Shrooms!
(Conan runs into the woods and Thor winks at Zeus)
Thor (shouting into the woods to Conan): left a bit..thats it..try a little bit further in...
Zeus: I think the courts might call this 'entrapment'.
Thor: The courts would call this 'fucking good idea, should have done it weeks ago'.
Zeus: That kid of yours has a good kick.
Thor: You need to stand up to him, you let him boss you about..Conan..right a bit!
Conan: Zoot! I found shrooms!
Zeus, unable to resist mushrooms charges into the wood where Conan has been foraging.
Zeus: Where?
Conan: Just there.
There is a small scream, a delighted giggle and the sound of Thor running through the undergrowth, only to find Zeus suspended 6 ft in the air and Conan laughing his head off.
Conan: Daddy, Zoot gone a funny colour.
(Thor glares at Zeus)
Thor: Lets go and eat these mushrooms.
Conan: What 'bout Zoot?
Thor: Zoot is fucking idiot, let's see how long it takes him to get free.
(5 hrs later)
Conan: Is Zoot free yet?
Thor: Let's hope not.
Outdoors.
Thor has taught Conan a new game, based on the story of Sysyphus. Conan finds the biggest round stone he can find, rolls it up a hill,lets go, then pushes it back up again. Repeat.
Conan thinks this would be a fun game, because he is 4 and 'everything' is a 'fun' game.
Thor and Zeus use the peace and quiet to get drunk, but then Zeus says he wants to watch Conan for a little while.
5 minutes later.
Conan: Daddy, what is a cockpit?
Thor (registers surprise to see Conan): It's the bit you sit in when you go up in a plane. Why?
Conan: Zoot says he has broken his cockpit.
Thor: What?
Conan: we were playing sissy puss and Zoot got stuck.
Thor finds Zeus lying under a boulder shouting that he has broken his coccyx.
Thor: Zeus, how the fuck did you end up there?
Zeus: Last thing i remember was Conan shouting 'catch'.
Thor (to Conan): Im going to take Zoot to the hospital..go and find Loki and ask him to play the hanging snake game with you.
Conan: loki! Loki! We have to hang a snake!
Zeus: I bet my left foot that when we get home, Loki is hanging from the fire escape with a snake in his ear.
Thor: Ive been trying to get hold of Cuba to relinquish access rights but her phone is permanently engaged.
Zeus: That's funny cos i overheard Qetesh offering her a lot of money to not speak to you or check up on you in any way.
Thor: What kind of mother is she?
Zeus: That's what Cuba said and Qetesh said ' a bloody exhausted one'..How about Odin taaking him in?
Thor: Not while Gabriel is around, he's still getting over the shark bite.
Zeus: Maybe we could sell him on ebay?
Thor: Fuck selling him, we could give him away with a crate of champagne and free health insurance for about 8 yrs.
Odin's garden.
-
Loki is being dragged by his foot behind Orpheus who has Conan on his back.
-
Thor: What you doing, son?
Conan: Im playing 'Chilles revenging the death of Patoclus.
Zeus: I love that story.
Loki: fuck sake, Conan, can you go a bit slower..ouch
Thor: OK, i have to ask, Loki, how did you agree to do this?
Loki: Conan is very persuasive, it started off with him betting i couldn't be pulled along by Orpheus and next thing i know i'm Hector being dragged round the walls of Troy.
Zeus: Yeah, that didn't end well for Hector.
Loki: I'd be very grateful if someone could distract Achilles to do a jigsaw puzzle or something.
Thor: Nah, this is way more fun.
Conan urges Orpheus to go faster and they vanish into the distance.
Thor: he's got to go, he is a liability.
Zeus: aw, come on, he's just a kid.
Thor: Not him..Loki.
Zeus: Is Orpheus dragging him through the dung heap?
Thor: Only right through the middle.
They laugh.
A more visual episode.
Outdoors.
Scene opens with Thor hurling a thunderbolt at Zeus, Zeus blocks it and sends an equally impressive one back..which misses. Loki sends a stream of lightening towards Zeus who gathers it in his hand and throws it back. knocking Loki off his feet. Thor swings his hammer at Zeus and knocks him for six, Zeus grabs the hammer and swings Thor into the air and slams him down. Thor leaps to his feet and clunks Zeus over the head knocking him senseless for a while. Loki leaps onto Thors back and puts him in a strangle hold. Thor wriggles free and delivers a karate kick to Loki's groin. Zeus recovers and sends three lightening bolts at Thor's head, one hits Loki by mistake. Loki does an impressive backward spring and retalliates with a flash of fire. Zeus's beard catches fire and he is momentarily distracted putting it out. Thor trips Loki up and sits on him. Zeus dusts himself down.
Applause.
Enter Gabriel: What the fuck..?
Conan: Daddy playing gadiators..daddy won! Daddy won!
Thor( to Conan): Always remember..everyone has got a plan until you punch them in the face.
[COMMENT DELETED]
Cuba is carrying out Conan's 4 yr Developmental Check.
-
Cuba: Numeracy..can you count to ten for me?
Conan: One!
Cuba: That's excellent but can you tell me what comes next?
Conan: One!
Cuba: Ok,..umm..no. Can you point to a circle?
Conan: Kirkle!
Cuba: Yes, a circle, can you show me one?
Conan fails to point to several obvious circles.
Cuba: Literacy..can you write your name?
Camera pans round to Conan sticking his pencil up his nose, and giggling.
Cuba: Ok..no.
Cuba: Can you follow instructions? Conan, go into another room and then come back please.
Conan: Why?
Cuba: I just need you to.
Conan: Why?
Cuba: Its part of the game we are playing.
Conan: Why?
Cuba:(gives up with that) It says here that your first word was 'shrooms', can you say something else now, maybe something you heard Daddy say?
Conan: Holy mother of fuck.
10 minutes later..
Enter Thor. Cuba is tied to a chair and Conan is shooting arrows at her while running round the room yelling something about 'revenge'.
Thor: Hi
Cuba: Hi? Hi? Get me out of here. Your son is a maniac.
Thor: At least he knows words like revenge..oh and 'torture' by the looks of it..impressive for a four year old.
Cuba: Most children his age say pussy cat and elephant and ice cream.
Thor: fairly useless words when you think about it..unless youre in a zoo and fancy something to eat.
Cuba: Please untie me before he has my eye out..
Conan: The nasty lady is my pridoner!
Thor: Not any more, bud..we have to give her back to the bureaucrats with no imagination whatsoever and very little idea of what the children of Gods can do.
Conan: Can i just spear her in the ribs?
Thor: Hear that, Cuba? Spear and ribs..shove that in your Developmental Check and smoke it.
Cuba: Spawning a psychopathic thug is nothing to be proud of.
Thor: Psychopathic thug? Cool!
Conan: What a cycle path? That what Gabiel cawed me.
Thor: It means you take after your dad.
Cuba: I will be writing a report, then filing it in triplicate for no reason whatsoever, then you will get a phone call from someone who thinks Conan needs psychiatric assessment but they will never turn up because we are pathetically underfunded.
Thor: Ok..now fuck off.
Exit Cuba with an armful of files.
Conan: Did i pass?
Thor: It's not the passing that counts.. its the buggering up the system.
Conan: I nearly got her in the ear.
Thor: Try harder next time.
i'm starting to like Conan :)
once when I was 7 or 8, my mum was working nights and I watched the Elephant Man on TV. When she came home the next day she found me in the laneway with my box of 64 crayola crayons, my star-wars action figures, and a magnifying glass.
I was melting the appropriate coloured crayon wax onto action figures to give them elephantitus. When my mum asked me what the hell I think I was doing, I just told her "I am not an animal"
that was the second time I saw a psychiatrist...
See, i'd totally have got that..are you sure im not your dad? (A bit like Darth Vader breaking the, not totally well received, news to Luke).
Gabriel has been explaining to Thor how, on a trip to Ikea he lost Conan somewhere between the tupperware lunch boxes and the pine wine racks.
Gabriel: I looked away just for a second and pfft he was gone.
Thor: Four year old kids do not 'pfft' and go, i should know, ive wished for it enough times..
Gabriel: The good news is i got about a thousand of those little biros.
Thor: At least you didnt come back with a pine wine rack.
Phone rings
Voice (desperate and croaky): Is that Thor?
Thor: Who wants to know?
Voice: I have your son.
Thor: What?
Voice: I have your son..Conan, put that down right now!..excuse me a minute...Conan! You don't use flame throwers indoors....sorry about that..I kidnapped your son, in Ikea and now I want you to take him back
Thor: Huh?
Voice: Take him back, please...I will pay you.
Thor: You want to pay ME to tke my son back? What kind of kidnapper are you?
Voice: I will meet you at Ikea ..at the end of the blue lane.
Scene changes to Ikea.
Conan: Daddy!
Thor: Oh shit.
Koalemos: Heres your kid, heres your money.. i never want to see him again.
Thor picks up Koalemos and hurls him into a crate of plastic reindeer.
Back at the apartment.
Gabriel: Was he badly hurt?
Thor: I hope so. No one takes my son from me (pause) and then brings him BACK AGAIN!
Conan: It was fun. I showed Koalaman my thunderbolts and one hit the gas tank and it went VROOM!
Thor: (to Gabriel) at least we made some money..
Gabriel: And will never run out of biros.
Conan: Gabiel..lets play 'splosions!
ever hear of the famous Toronto ikea monkey?
