Support, Venting, and Safe Space Forum

There's a guy in the chess community in my country. Most toxic person you will ever meet. He's turned everyone against me and I don't know what to do.

I give up. After this classical tournament I’ll stop participating in chess tournaments, I’ll probably close all my online accounts, I’ll leave every chess community I’ve ever participated, I’ll probably burn my chessboard, I don’t want anything to do with chess anymore.

I can’t improve. No matter how much I study I won’t improve. I get stressed playing in tournaments, I hallucinate everytime I calculate, and I don’t even socialize in tournaments. Every single online rating of mine has dropped. I dropped from 2300 bullet to 2100, 2250 blitz to 2100, and 2320 to 2270. I dropped over 100 FIDE classical rating since I started playing classical chess.

I can’t calculate for the life of me, I can’t stay calm for the life of me, I can’t stay sane. After a loss I feel like garbage, after a win I feel nothing. And I can’t win. I can’t play chess properly. Why can’t I play chess?

And whenever I ask for advice for improvement, they keep saying change your openings, change your openings, your openings are terrible. Or troll responses like play good moves and don’t blunder. What the hell do you want me to do?

I’m not a prodigy. I wasn’t invested in chess at an early age. I can’t and don’t want to get a coach. I’m far from titled. I’m far from being decent at chess. Every young titled player is just so toxic. They don't even try at this game and play so well, I'm playing so bad spending up to four hours a day studying.

I give up. It's just a game. I have a classical tournament I have to finish. I got a simul which I'm probably cancelling. It's just a money-wasting, time-consuming hobby, which I'm not excelling at, and I don't find any joy, if anything, it activates and amplifies my already abysmal mental state further. I can't improve. Nothing will work. I'm done. I'm sorry.

I give up.

“Like everyone else, you want to learn the way to win, but never to accept the way to lose – to accept defeat. To learn to die is to be liberated from it. So when tomorrow comes you must free your ambitious mind and learn the art of dying!”

— Bruce Lee

For Bruce Lee, the "Art of Dying" isn't about literal death but a metaphor for letting go of the ego, past experiences, and rigid mental blocks to achieve fluidity, freedom, and live fully in the present moment, embracing constant growth and learning by being open to "losing" and starting fresh. It means "dying" to yesterday's knowledge to become a perpetual beginner, allowing you to be free, adaptable, and truly present, rather than being trapped by expectations or the fear of failure.

I'll keep my letter short.

Don't give up, no matter how hard it may seem. What you're going through is a mental barrier that all of us have or will reach in our lives. It's important for you to push through this barrier and learn how to enjoy the game of chess, not focus on rating. We are around similar ratings, and I felt horrible when I lost most of my OTB rating and dropped from 2400-2300. I've gotten so busy, and I can't even sit to play chess anymore, it just feels boring and wrong.

But don't ever give up. Giving up is the worst way to end your chess career, or any at all. I haven't given up yet, and I still have hope. You should too. Just keep playing chess, think about pushing past the mental barrier, and try doing puzzle battles. Yes, I know I said puzzle battles, but sometimes the only way to push past it is playing more chess!

Even if you aren't a prodigy, so what? You're still better than 98% of people on chess.com- literal bragging rights. Most people don't even get to have that, and are going through huge struggles. Just keep playing, even if it's one game a day. You don't have to be the best, but you can be one of the best.

Anyways, hope I made a small impact, peace out- Royal.

Thank you. I will do, after looking at my games in review I also came to the same solution.

It seems like ever since I started playing OTB tournaments (which, I absolutely suck at it, I'm 1500 FIDE), it has extracted all the funs out of chess. Everyone criticizes my openings and I get obssessed with it, still lose. Then I see clearer problems in the middlegame and endgame, study it, but I still lose. Why do I not win? I'm fine with a draw here and there, but why do I always lose? There hasn't been a month where I've had positive results in classical chess, and it has been going for half a year. And my online chess is abysmal, I absolutely suck at blitz, my rapid is deteriorating, and I'm trying to abstain from bullet, but even before that I had a terrible tilt.

I know it sounds like I'm extremely obsessive with rating: true, because it's the metric that measures your strength, the medium that ranks you among chess players. I might be better than 98% of chess players, but I'm still bad. I don't have much bragging rights, because most of the world don't play chess or play chess unseriously. If we actually compare people who take chess semi-seriously, suddenly you see my face at the bottom of the barrel. I'm terrible. I lose to everyone basically, and I'm so adamant to change.

It's not even the first time it has happened too, that I've felt this terrible. I always knew chess was a ticking bomb and I would crash out occasionally because it triggered my mental very harshly, but never to this extent. I'm too "good" apparently to get any meaningful public help, I have to pay if I want to continue, whether it's for tournaments which is getting costly, or for a coach which I really don't want to get, I want to treat it as a game, getting a coach would defeat everything I stand for.

But I don't know. Maybe I've squeezed out every bit of strength I could have in my chess. Chess is merely a game of talent, and I'm simply not talented enough to progress further. That's it. It's a harsh truth I have to accept.

From my point of view, the funny thing is that most sports/games DO have coaches as a normal part of the architecture of the sport/game. . . . basketball, baseball, football. . . the other football, haha. I think this goes for many individual sports/hobbies, too. . . .maybe not always running. . . but fencing, martial arts, swimming, etc.. . .anything technique-based, it's sort of more unusual to NOT have a coach or mentor. .

gaw dam

i hope yall feel better

Hey, hey, @xXu_UXx,

I'm not exactly sure how to interpret your response, but I think you are offering empathy for Flan. I just want to be clear that I'm not intending to be harsh. Flan is suffering in a big way. I'm just saying that chess culture seems to make it much harder to ask for and get help than in other sports, unless you are part of school club, for instance. Coaches and/or mentors do a lot more than just teach the discipline itself, from my point of view. They help you learn how to cope with upsets.

As an example, I remember my junior year in high school collapsing 10 feet before the finish line in the qualifier for my State meet in the 800. My coach and teammates were right there to support me after that devastating loss. .. .granted, I just wanted to be left alone, but at least there was someone there to push away, if that makes sense. I just think it can be really hard to gain a sense of "humane proportion" after a big loss or failure when you don't have adequate support that you trust and respect, and in chess, that kind of support is often missing. . .though I think our club is slowly becoming a place where some support can happen.

I just felt like it was an useless response. It’s not meaningful, it doesn’t contribute much. I didn’t know how to respond to you or vtom’s responses too (do appreciate them), but it seems like vtom’s speaking in riddles which I don’t quite understand, and you’re just suggesting me to get a coach.

Either way it’s more or less a psychology problem and I either need a sport psychologist or a therapist. Seems like I’ve been acting this way with other games I play lately, so it’s probably more of a maturity issue. It’s fine, it’s chill.

I dont mean to be harsh but why tf do u need to write two paragraphs abt my wishings of another person to feel better

and criticize it

like ????

@xXU_Xx, I just wasn't quite sure what you were saying since you quoted my post and not Flan's, and I just wanted to make sure I wasn't coming across as harsh. No criticism intended. I really appreciate the empathy you communicated.

@Flan, I'm actually just saying that I think it's hard to learn how to cope with intense feelings if you don't have a supportive relationship with someone (or a couple of people) you can learn to trust and confide in and who can empathize with your experience. It could be a coach, therapist, friend, older person, etc. I'm not offering any therapeutic advice here, but just offering my perspective based on my own lived experience (so take or toss).

In my own story, I was an extremely perfectionistic kid in high school and college which I believe was tied to having a pretty severe and scary stepdad whose standards I could never live up to. The only thing that helped me to begin to be less harsh with myself and cope with failure better was finding older adults outside my home, like my coach, a goofy, light-hearted and encouraging man (but kind of bad running coach, tbh, haha), and, later, a college therapist, who had empathy for me and seemed to understand my situation better than I did and could help me cope, in practical ways. Finding relatable music and characters in movies and books also helped. I actually still have people like that in my life now, btw, in particular, a kind of "chosen uncle," who I speak to when things get tough. .. and things are tough as two family members are approaching the end of their lives. And in the chess world, well, Dane is always so uplifting and encouraging. I wouldn't have stayed with chess in my first year without his support. Chess is just too dang brutal to deal with, with just me and my inner critic in the room.

So, anyways, take or toss. I know you have expressed before that you don't totally love people. I just think it's hard to learn how to cope with intense feelings if you don't have positive, supportive people in your life.

Warmly,

Hhart10k

just lost in the dumbest way possible lol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=js8OfeEL4jI

Chess is a difficult game for people with big egos.
In team games, when you lose, you can always blame teammates for wrong strategy, bad execution, or weak coordination. In chess, there’s no one to blame but yourself, and that can be a brutal blow to the ego.

When you start playing chess at a young age, the ego is still largely dormant. You can take your time, make mistakes, and improve steadily. But when you start later in life, chess often becomes tied to identity. Winning means you’re good, capable, accepted; losing means you’re untalented or a failure. This mindset leads to labeling and self-sabotage.

Vtom pointed out the antidote with the Bruce Lee quote. Simply put, you must learn to master your ego. For those of us who started chess later in life, mindset isn’t just important, IMO, it’s the number one factor in improvement.

@Masky_Chess, I also very much liked vtom's post, but I am also an older adult with a clear sense of self and I am happily (though not always easily) willing to shed what inhibits authenticity. However, I think what is difficult about starting chess as a teenager is that the self is still emerging. And, well, you sort of have to "have a self to 'die to self' (ego)." From my point of view, chess is kind of a brutal space for trying to figuring out "what is me" and "what is not me." Battling the ego is a noble goal at any age, but I think it takes some support to do so when one's sense of self is still emerging.

There's some interesting discussion here on the individual nature of chess and how it can be unhelpful to us in terms of our mental outlook. This is a very fair comment as in isolation a struggle will always be much harder.

I play almost all of my OTB games as part of a chess club in local leagues, this is something that I can highly recommend as it really limits the isolation involved and can bring about some discussion between players whom are actively looking out for each other.

After one tough loss a couple of months back after the entire room had been cleared away one of my teammates that had stuck around till the end just said "Chess can be a cruel game". This was enough to know that I'm not alone in this struggle and a reminder that we all go through the highs and low. It's certainly a lot easier to go through them together.

Also I've had days when I've lost but the team has won this has lifted my spirits and I've been able to enjoy the team's success rather than simply focus on my own losses. With this in mind, if I win 50% of the time and the team wins 50% of the time, it becomes a good result over half the time (I'd like to say 75% but the mathematician in me knows this must be wrong!)

With this in mind I'd encourage the following to everyone:

• Look for some team events where you can be working with others encouraging each other and sharing advice and stories as this will lead to improvement and a more enjoyable experience
• Look for social chess events as these tend to be more collaborative and talkative so you can really get into exploring ideas. Mastering ideas you know through showing things to weaker players and gaining new ideas from equal/better players. 

Well chess has destroyed my ego. I feel worthless sometimes if I'm on a tilt.

Same. I’ve been tilting for probably three months now. Maybe four or five months if we don’t count online rapid. And at least OTB, I’ve been tilting since I’ve started.

I can’t improve, I just can’t. My rating’s not going up, I can’t adapt to any change, my openings are crap, studying is hard, getting myself to even study is harder, and there’s no one. No one to help, no one to talk to. I have no chess friends, no one to understand the cruelty of chess. Everyone’s a fricking prodigy who excels at chess with no sweat, or has a coach. Meanwhile I just have myself. And I gave up on it already.

Maybe it’s my ego, maybe it’s my pessimism, I don’t know. But I do not wish to see a chessboard again in the near future. Nothing pays off. At the end of the day chess is merely a game. And if I don’t have fun playing it, then why should I continue? It’s not like I can brag to anyone about not hanging a queen in the first ten moves.

I wish I never knew the existence of chess in the first place. Maybe I’d be happier. Maybe I’d feel more relaxed. I admire those who can stick to this game for decades, but it’s not for me, I suck at chess, I’ll forever suck at this game, and without spending copious amount of money, the reality will just not change.

Thank you both for the replies.