a non serious review of every chess player based on their openings

this definitely isnt opening stereotypes.... (it is)

anyway, dont take it seriously (dont get offended, its just fun) and enjoy

white:

1) a3, e3, d3, c3, h3

you like playing black more than white, for some reason

you also reason in tournaments "i can get first place while playing only black in all the games" which is cool

2) bongcloud, f3, g4

 youre a fan of naka who saw the speedrun

you like losing, and like to inflict pain now rather than later

you also are underrated

3) london and other systems

cmon, youre a bit annoying and lazy

if you just play a system

and every other system opening is just trying to be this but disguised

you also play caro as black, call the slav "black london" and watch some youtuber, probably levy

you also hate the sicilian and every other theory filled opening, and gatekeep it

you also are now a superfan of ding liren, coz of game 6

4) qg

if low rated, you secretly hope that this trap occurs

and complain in the forums that chess.com shows the opening name

if not, you just like rich positions and there is nothing wrong 

5) nf3

this should be before but eh

you have all the transpositions glued into your brain, and know exactly where and what to transpose to and when to just play the kia

very sophisticated

6) proper london player

same opening as #3 but you actually play it properly, if so props for not being discouraged by london hate (directed at #3 users, not you)

7) anti grunfeld

you hate mvl

or, hate mainlines

or both (im sorry idk d4 openings much)

8) jobava london

you secretly wish your opponent premoves Nc6 and hate their a pawn

9) kings gambit

a gambit where, surprise, most likely YOUR king is getting attacked

also the one where every e5 repertoire book (riight... those dont exist) suggests some random line 

you also hate all your pieces and play double muzio

10) nakhmanson gambit

jonathan schrantz + beating stockfish fan alert!

you also like transpositions

11) wayward queen

every 500 hates you, thats a fact

anyway if youre high rated 

either you just stuck to what you know

or are a naka fan who realised he played this

12) main line e4 e5 nf3 nc6

four knights:

you... menace

just want to bore everyone huh

ruy lopez:

objectively correct and closed chess is good

you are annoyed whenever black plays one of the 8 other third moves though

italian: 

either its 4 knights 2.0 or some random gambit or you appreciate chess and play a very rich opening

scotch: 

process of elimination, "it looks like open sicilian" or surprise value

you also definitely played other stuff before but got defeated too much

this is me btw

ponziani:

vs sicilian its the delayed alapin, you love traps too

13) some gambit where you sac a piece

this includes nakhmanson but oops

... your opponent deserves to feel that a loss to you was a missed opportunity

except when its sound like nd5 stuff in sicilian or nxe5 damiano 

14) anything in najdorf which isnt mainline

you taunt black "you know THIS line?"

this is also me btw

black:

1) any new wacky trendy line

oh so fashionable...

anyway you probably? watch some ytber and your repertoire changes every 3 months

you also annoy the small set of reasonable and relatable people in the forums (" why do people always play x opening recommended by ytbers?)

this includes/included( this changes every three months)... stafford, dark knight, traxler, jalalabad, vampire gambit...

2) sicilian

youve realised that no one will know the theory and it isnt much anyway

you also hate every single anti sicilian ever

anyway...

najdorf: you used to play scheveningen but keres attack killed your rating so you do this now, silently get annoyed against h3 and Rg1 tho

you also go in the face of all gatekeepers

HAD: cool name ooh

dragon: same but with rxc3

scheveningen: future najdorf player who hasnt yet faced keres enough/ go in the face of it anyway

four knights: sicilian, but you learnt it in a "beginner friendly way"

pin: see above

kan: you want to see 3 d4 but lose to it anyway

one thing in common: they will have a rough experience in the forums coz gatekeepers

3) french

come to the forums to compain about the exchange

or argue about the merits of french bishop

or to fight caro players

4) caro kann

oH tHe bIsHoP iS oUtSiDe!1!1!

so? its just going on a suicide mission to f7

also fight with french players (and didnt stop once the french v caro happened)

maybe levy fans

maybe argue that its actually aggressive (to be aggressive in the caro, is to be unprincipled)

also like demolishing advance caro players w/ qb6 qa6

like playing 5 tempi down

(yeah this is a bit hateful but i honestly dont like half of their arguments)

5) two knights

hopes for 4 nc3 coz they learnt that four knights italian is bad (my reasoning for playing this)

also, against ng5 they either crumble coz their a beginner, play traxler or smth, or play something else

irrespective though, they play it to go in the face of "bc5 is simpler" even though the bishop is again taking a suicide mission, this time to a7

6) nxe4 vs four knights italian

we're done. 

the four knights has ruled for too long.

we must rise up against this evil empire and refute it, not allowing the boring positions that result.

convert to this, please.

this is needed.

but jokingly though, this player wants to refute all bad openings and i respect that

7) busch gass gambit

a) scholars mater

b) premoves e4 bc4 as white 

nuff said, they deserve all the scandi opponents as white

8) scandi

oh speaking of which

you come to the forums to debate (correctly) that black loses no tempi in the Qa5 mainline

come on

lets compare to the caro

caro: d5xe4, qc7 by black, e4, nc3xe4 by white

thats 3:3

scandi: d5, qxd5-a5-c7 by black, e4xd5 and nc3 by white

thats 4:3 and the knight is still stuck on c3 

9) petroff

love draws OR rosen fan from 2021

if the first, why!? just why

if the second, same thing

i wish your opponent plays the cochrane and crushes you

10) nc6 f6 vs the london OR c5 qb6

see nxe4 vs four knights, but against the london empire instead

the first one wants to be different and is punished for it, the second wants to be correct and does well

11) all the stuff vs qg

qgd: the normal person, does the same thing as french (maybe) on the forums

slav: like caro but vs d4

black loves having the worst pawn structure in all of chess openings

also taking c4 and actually holding on

also also the actual worst bishop in all of chess (botvinnik) on b7 (yikes)

qga: goes in the face of "dont take away from center", hates the center, its kinda hypermodern

if they try to keep it though, just switch to slav please

chigorin: took leave from class when the teacher said to not block the c pawn in d4 openings

they also like tricks

marshall: likes losing, thinks its a grunfeld but isnt

baltic: rEvErSe lOnDoN OR hates bishops OR scandi player

albin: wants a pawn on d4 and loves knights, secretly wishes that the trap happens (yknow, fxg1=N)

baltic: copycat player, probably loses in 4 moves to d4 d5 qd3 qd6 qh3 qh6 qxc8#

12) kid

is a creep who likes playing something called "the kid"

jk

more really, they are a naka fan or they just like brainlessly poshing pawns

oh right

Bxh3

13) gruenfeld

likes over theory openings

quick draws

or being up three pawns with your king and queen in the center and no development

also big big mvl fan

14) englund gambit

you are the definition of hope chess, with three traps 

oh riight how could i forget the true definition of hope chess.

bonus) icbm gambit

stop

just stop

i sincerely hope you trap and lose that queen

you are a true 2022-23 levy (cringe, 2020-21 much better) fan

you also think the tennison and icbm are same

you also think this refutes the scandi

you also think that the moves given are natural (hint: they completely arent)

you also think that being up a queen for two pieces even qualifies as a trap

on that bad note, put all thoughts in your reply; and ask for missing openings too

oh i play wayward queen, englund and icbm

for the last one, please call it the tennison

thats like saying "i play the lasker trap" which says to me... what

either way theres this immortal thread where tennison fans meet and the original post is just hilarious and the people are funnier

for englund, theres literally three traps or you just are worse lol but whatever

oh my god how could i have forgot, these people hate the london

and for wayward queen i forgot that this is played by people who know it isnt refuted but just equal

for the englund, you're talking about the objectively worse 2... Nc6 line but i play the 2... d6 line

I ain't reading all that

one of the three traps is the one by eric rosen i think (which includes 2...Bc5 and taking on f2)

the other two are Qe7-b4xf4 and the infamous mating trap

idk abt the d6 variation, just another normal gambit?

either way every single englund player secretly wants to avoid the london

yeah it's just another refuted gambit which people don't know how to refute, plus i hate london

I imagine that guides to wild birds reads like this list. Full point to the OP.

e4 openings

1. italian - you like slow, maneuvering chess or you hope your opponent does not know to get a better position after c3-d4
2. scotch - you want an open game no matter how boring it is
3. ponziani - you hope people fall for some trap gotham taught you 
4. vienna - you either are playing it to transpose or youre a gotham fan
5. bishops opening- you will play 3.d4 or 3.Nf3- or you will transpose to a 4 knights italian like a nerd
6. wayward queen attack- grow up
7. kings gambit - you are either the next tal or you don't know what you're doing
8. open sicilian -  good choice

• 150 attack sicilian - you have a valid setup, no complaints here
• standard Be3-Be2 setup - kinda boring but its fun
• Bc4 setup - you hope your opponent does not know what hes doing or you hope your opponent blunders

9. closed sicilian - you hope your oppoment knows nothing about what hes doing and if he does you lose or draw at most

10.literally any trap opening - you are 1200 or you still haven't grown up yet

11. ruy lopez - you either have studied it to the death or play it like a system

12. Nc3 french - you know what youre doing more than black likely

13. tarrasch french - you either dont know what youre doing or you are just trying to be super solid and hold an advantage the whole game

14. exchange/ advanced french- you either have never seen the french before or you should quit chess and go play checkers

or youre that one guy that trys to play as boring as possible as a strategy (quit chess)

15. advanced caro - you either know it all or know nothing

16. Nc3 caro - you are using this to draw or using it for a win, no inbetween

17. advanced caro- valid but play the panov not Bd3

d4 openings

1. Queens gambit- legend status, just don't play it like a system
2. exchange slav- quit chess
3. main line semi slav (e3) you def know what youre doing and are prepared for a fight to the death
4. Bg5 semi slav- you play this either because its natural or youre going for a theoretical deathmatch against black
5. b3 semi slav- out of all your options don't treat it like a system cmon
6. dubov slav- similar to the catalan and puts a lot of pressure on black where you hope he collapses quick
7. mason attack- you hope your opponent knows nothing on what to do and collapses, if not you lose
8. london opening- valid response and an aggressive way to fight for an advantage, you are going for your opponents neck
9. london system- you play this because you cant remember anything or you just like messing with your opponent, or you just don't like real chess 
10. catalan opening- you either know every little thing (you are a menace) or you dont know it well enough/at all and will just die, you thought you were cool if you played like kramnik but you're not
11. torre- premium london system
12. torre but with Nc3- you either are booked or know nothing about this opening
13. modern nimzo- kinda boring, gives black an easy game but is very solid
14. classical nimzo- some lines can get very sharp, you are an agressive player and are willing to try to put black down at the cost of no/little queenside development
15. anti nimzo- you either played this naturally or you are booked on bogo/qid theory
16. petrosian queens indian- you know what youre doing likely, you are a quiet play
17. kasparov queens indian- you bamboozled your opponent and force him to make a difficult choice , you likely know what youre doing and played this to throw them off
18. any g4 line in the kid- you hope your opponent does not know what hes doing so you get a free win
19. classical kid- you hate how black can play a5 or Nh5 in the bayonet so you play this system
20. bayonet attack (kid)- you are launching a quick attack at the queenside and are going for the win, you know black knows what hes doing and you are booked to the teeth but as soon as one of you are out of theory one of you will die fast
21. exchange kid- you are a exchange slav/french/caro player and should quit chess and go play checkers
22. literally any line in the grünfeld- you are booked on theory and hope black is too, if you go out of theory you just die or you wandered on to it by accident and collapse fast to black
23. Nf3 anti benoni- you play this as a mental weapon agianst black solely to make things boring for him so when he falls asleep you win on time
24. taimanov benoni- you are going for the win and giving black maximum pressure to hope he collapses, this is a menacing opening to black which makes you also a menace
25. literally any other benoni line- you are just trying to be solid and trying to be principled and target d6, its a valid way to fight and you are a solid player
26. any declined benko line- you adopted this pet line and are hoping black does not know what hes doing, which gives a psychological affect to black because he is not in familiar watters, if black knows what hes doing you likely will lose within the next 20 moves
27. fully accepted benko- you either really know what you're doing or wandered on this by accident, you are having a theory battle with black and the first person out of theory is the one who loses

hypermoderns

1. réti - a very solid opening where you gambit a flank pawn for a central pawn, its a fun opening and you are paying it to enjoy chess (or you're using it to transpose
2. nimzo-larsen- you are a qid stan and are trying to play it as white also, you are either a karpov or hikaru fan
3. english- you are willing to slowly grind down your opponent on the queenside and win, you are a very patient player and will wait
4. benko/hungarian/kings fianchetto- you are a kid fan and want to play it but a tempo up, its very fun but you also are likely using it to transpose to a catalan
5. van greet- you are just going for tricks or you have no idea what you're doing

valid list frfr as a certain frog would say

but why club the advance with exchange french

riight i forgot youre the dude who thinks tarrasch is better than advance.... it isnt

white has plans in the advance (and it also restricts the amount of black ideas)

the tarrasch? black plays Nf6 and you have no development and all your pieces are trampling on each other 

c5 and your knight on d2 is confused why it ever went there

dxe4 and it transposes

also why 27 d4s and only 17 e4s

the advanced is fine but it gives black equality and a easy game

i would take black in an advanced french

fair i guess

but cant the exact same logic apply in a tarrasch

besides, when i think of the french, i think of the advanced

me who learnt ponziani from rosen, not gotham and plays the wayward queen

they are both valid choices

advanced french leaves white equal/very slight edge

tarrash still lets white hold advantage

Lmfao Sea Turtle so much scolding in that list

learning openings from rosen has one difference from gotham: youre more booked up

and also, its kinda meant to have a lot of scolding as these are opening stereotypes (as i alluded to in the first line of #1)

i also never expected this thread to ever get another post but here we are huh

number 2 for white

i will make a opening thing for black

e4

1. French- you play this because you got the courses on chessable or you desire to reach equality as soon as possible at the cost of a bad bishop and a space disadvantage 
2. caro kann- you are a karpov fan or you like grinding out middlegames trying to get equality the whole time, not viable at the higher levels but valid below
3. e5- you are willing to play out and try to refute all the things white throws at you, you accept a passive position and you play on a counterattack later in the game
4. pirc-  you got a course on it or you treat the indian setup like a system opening and you dont really know what you're doing
5. alekhine- you are mixing a hypermodern opening with a hyperagressive opening, in this opening you are going for whites throat and you wont accept a draw, very dangerous sharp opening and black can punish any inaccuracy hard and win quick with uncareful play
6. Modern- you are going to pressure the d4 pawn and pin the knight with Bg4, if white does not know what hes doing he can get in a worse position fast, but if he does you usually are left with a space disadvantage and cramped pieces 
7. owens- similar to the modern except this opening is almost refutable, you are just going for tricks and hoping that white does not know what hes doing
8. st. George-  a combination of the french and owens, its quite good but its hard to play because of early a4s and little space, you play this for tricks and not seriously
9. Sicilian- you are an aggressive player who likes to challenge white as soon as move 1
10. nimzowitsch- you are a scandi fan but you delay it to throw white off
11. scandi-  you play this to annoy white and then you premove Qa5-c6-Bg4-e6

agianst d4

slav- you are going for quick queenside play and challenging white well, even though you prettty much abandoned the center your play is on the queenside

semi-slav- you are sick of the b3 lines and not getting the fun dxc4 lines, but the few times you do get the main lines you make white regret it

classical QGD setup- you dont want to risk any problems so you play ultra solidly, against the catalan you usually play c6 and try to play for c5

nimzo/ queens indian- you dont actually enjoy what youre playing, you are playing it solely because its super solid and good agianst d4

kings indian- you are stuck in the past and still want to play it like they did in the 70s, its still fine just not as good as it was

grünfeld- you can remember extremely well and are willing to play a theory battle against your opponent, you get an adrenaline rush when white plays poorly and when you win you like to harass him in his dms

modern benoni- you like to live life on the edge, you are not allowing any sort of draw and forcing white to play well or lose, but you also get mad when white plays well and knows the theory

benko gambit- you get upset when white declines or only half accepts it, you consider those positions boring and white uses it as a psychological weapon against you

others

hippo- you play this to mess around with white and hope he slips up

h5-g5-a5-b5- you are likely cheating and messing around with white, trying to make it look like you arent cheating by playing a trash opening

aw man i already know im gonna get thrashed