a non serious review of every chess player based on their openings

copying it to page 2

e4

1. French- you play this because you got the courses on chessable or you desire to reach equality as soon as possible at the cost of a bad bishop and a space disadvantage 
2. caro kann- you are a karpov fan or you like grinding out middlegames trying to get equality the whole time, not viable at the higher levels but valid below
3. e5- you are willing to play out and try to refute all the things white throws at you, you accept a passive position and you play on a counterattack later in the game
4. pirc-  you got a course on it or you treat the indian setup like a system opening and you dont really know what you're doing
5. alekhine- you are mixing a hypermodern opening with a hyperagressive opening, in this opening you are going for whites throat and you wont accept a draw, very dangerous sharp opening and black can punish any inaccuracy hard and win quick with uncareful play
6. Modern- you are going to pressure the d4 pawn and pin the knight with Bg4, if white does not know what hes doing he can get in a worse position fast, but if he does you usually are left with a space disadvantage and cramped pieces 
7. owens- similar to the modern except this opening is almost refutable, you are just going for tricks and hoping that white does not know what hes doing
8. st. George-  a combination of the french and owens, its quite good but its hard to play because of early a4s and little space, you play this for tricks and not seriously
9. Sicilian- you are an aggressive player who likes to challenge white as soon as move 1
10. nimzowitsch- you are a scandi fan but you delay it to throw white off
11. scandi-  you play this to annoy white and then you premove Qa5-c6-Bg4-e6

agianst d4

slav- you are going for quick queenside play and challenging white well, even though you prettty much abandoned the center your play is on the queenside

semi-slav- you are sick of the b3 lines and not getting the fun dxc4 lines, but the few times you do get the main lines you make white regret it

classical QGD setup- you dont want to risk any problems so you play ultra solidly, against the catalan you usually play c6 and try to play for c5

nimzo/ queens indian- you dont actually enjoy what youre playing, you are playing it solely because its super solid and good agianst d4

kings indian- you are stuck in the past and still want to play it like they did in the 70s, its still fine just not as good as it was

grünfeld- you can remember extremely well and are willing to play a theory battle against your opponent, you get an adrenaline rush when white plays poorly and when you win you like to harass him in his dms

modern benoni- you like to live life on the edge, you are not allowing any sort of draw and forcing white to play well or lose, but you also get mad when white plays well and knows the theory

benko gambit- you get upset when white declines or only half accepts it, you consider those positions boring and white uses it as a psychological weapon against you

others

hippo- you play this to mess around with white and hope he slips up

h5-g5-a5-b5- you are likely cheating and messing around with white, trying to make it look like you arent cheating by playing a trash opening