Caro-Kann vs French

Which opening would you think is better in terms of general quality of positional play, sharpness, ability to force a sustainable closed center, and being less cramped for black during the game, as well as less attacking options for white?

Your USCF is 800. Considering that, I'd not play either of them - instead, I'd play 1...e5 until I hit 4 digits.

However, if you really want to play one of those, the French is your choice. The Caro-Kann is an advanced opening that I personally don't believe anyone except masters or maybe very strong non-masters should be playing. The French is a very instructive opening where you learn all about pawn structures and many typical plans. 

And those features you mentioned, frankly, are not important (sustainable closed center, less cramped, etc), since the games you play will more or less all end due to someone making a simple tactical blunder. 

Both are solid. In French your light squared bishop is quite bad until the mid or endgame however you have a strong attack on the queenside and good squares for your knights. I am not a caro-kann player but it is a really strong defense if you know how to play it. Moreover, the light squared bishop is not stucked behind the pawn chain as the French

Even at your rating, I would favor the Caro-Kann over the French for the same reason I'd favor the Slav over Queen's Gambit Declined: by playing 1...c6 instead of an early 1...e6 you don't lock your QB - your "Bad Bishop"- behind your pawn chain where it's more difficult for lower-rated players to handle the cramped conditions easily.  Unless your opponent does something that prevents getting the QB out beyond the pawn chain early, like the Panov-Botvinnik Attack, your job as Black is to get your QB out to f5 or g4 early and exchange it out of the way.  Usually White ends up with an isolated pawn at d4 and d5 is a perfect out post for one of your knights.  If White does choose the Panov-Botvinnik Attack, usually the game opens up considerably and you don't have a problem developing your pieces.

With the Caro-Kann, it gets a little more complicated than the French on avg, but not so much your tactical skills should be overwhelmed if you keep your pieces safe (overprotecting where possible) and prevent White from using c5 and e5 as N outposts.

With a USCF rating of 800, I doubt he can deal with the Caro-Kann tactics, and I don't think he will know what overprotection is. 

Also, Caro-Kann positions are pretty difficult to play for black, since there often isn't an obvious plan, like in the French. 

You can't force White to close the game. White can always just swap pawns the second you put something on d5.

Honestly it sounds like you want a position where you can close the game to stop White from attacking you but you can still somehow attack. But that's too much to ask. Typically in closed positions you're going to be strong on one side and not as strong on the other.

I think instead you should just try this: http://exeterchessclub.org.uk/content/ten-rules-opening

At least here you'll have ideas on how you should open a chess game.

I'm actually 1400 irl. Why u all say i'm 800?

lol

Whatever. Play any opening. IT doesn't matter. Good moves out of book matters. Book moves don't.

I have played only Caro-Kann since starting chess.

Play the caro kann vs e4. and the Slav/Semi-slav vs d4. 

Stick with them for the long haul and you will progress better that way aiming for similar pawn structures.