Invent the new worst/most useless chess piece ever!

the 3 musketeers. 

• they replace your e, d, and f pawns .
• one of them explodes and kills the surrounding squares(eg. if the e pawn explodes, your king, queen, c-pawn, d-pawn lsb, and queen are killed, but you pawn stays) when you move your rook, your opponent chooses.
• when your knight moves, all of your pawns move up, and if a pawn can't be moved, then that knight can't move.
• when your bishop moves, it explodes at the place you move it (not destroying enemy pieces). you have to move it every 3 turns. If you don't, then you lose.
• every time you move a musketeer, you have to sacrifice 3 pieces, not your king or queen. your opponent chooses.
• when a pawn moves, it explodes and if the opponents pieces are 2 squares far or less on the board, you lose.
• if you manage to promote a pawn, it becomes a mini "friendly-cow"(see comment #19).
• if a musketeer reaches the back rank, you get a extra king but it will explode in 3 moves and then you lose.
• if a musketeer gets captured, you lose.

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 IN CONCLUSION...

It makes the game... I don't know.

;D

In the order of ideas:

The Shapeshifter (inspired by Jake, an AT character). Every time he moves, he randomly turns into one of the five chess pieces.

The Zeeky-bomb. To summon it, just say "Zeeky Booky Doog". It will appear on a random square and blow up 3*3 square around it. If someone's king gets blown up, that someone loses.

The Pessimist (inspired by my grandpa when watching sports matches). He consistently tells the king to resign until the king is convinced. The game is down to whose king is most patient.

The Red Chief (uncreative OHenry reference). Moves and captures as a pawn. If you capture him, you have to either give him to opponent with 2 more pawns, or lose a light piece.

The Shapeshifter 2.0. Starts as a pawn, then when moved turns into a knight, the bishop, then rook, then queen. Then gets back into a pawn.

the trump. says "build a wall every turn and you have to sacrifice a piece and a wall will be put around your best placed piece

Made out of unobtanium and floats above board ineffectually.

The borscht. This violent criminal and deep-purple round-shaped piece, a favorite of the Russian grandmasters, is not as sweet as it's made out to be, as it goes around beeting-up each and every one of your other chess pieces - until they are not white, nor black, almost black and blue, but really a deep purple color - but leaves your opponent's pieces alone (your opponent will really root for it when the borscht goes on his roll of terror...). Once your pieces have been successfully beaten and whipped good by the borscht, until they are a good bloody red-purple, it proceeds to guillotine them into little pieces with a knife, when it's not taking a leek, before liquifying them in a blender and boiling them ungraciously on the stove until all that remains is a soup occupying the first and second ranks of the chessboard. But it doesn't stop there---it then creams them with several dollops and wallops---what a sour fellow this borscht is...

The revolutionary... lines up all your remaining pieces (apart from king) and marches them off the board, giving the opponent free queens.

the dog and the cat: moves like a rook and runs over the board like crazy.

the oh man this piece is heavy: a piece that weigh a ton. the first one to move it wins.

the rabbit (useful piece): moves like a knight. first it captures your pawn and then you can move it 3 times before your opponent moves.

the block: (nothing piece) you can't move it and capture it since it block the center 16 squares. Doesn't capture you

THE 4 STONES                                                                                                                                                  ---------------                                                                                                                                                    They block the center and if you attack the center the piece that attacked the center is gone

The anvil. Falls on whatever piece moved.

The paint. Drops on your pieces so they change colors.

the killer rabbit: it doesn't kill your pieces. it kills all other pieces (no king) and the opponent's killer rabbit kills everything on the board except itself and its king.

 this piece instantly makes you lose.It is called the loser

the incorrect

this piece is incorrect, which means its state of incorrectness is incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. 

The piece, incorrect, will continue to make your head hurt causing you to lose your time.

The good thing is that your opponent has one so the battle of the mind, chess will be a battle to see who will stay sane the longest with the 2 incorrects at the board. The incorrects are also indestructible, so it is recommended to build up many incorrects to use as shelter. As I was saying, the piece is incorrect so it may not be indestructible. this leads us to the part about it being incorrect about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect. If that is the case, then the piece, also referred to as the incorrect, is correct, so its correct about being incorrect.