Invent the new worst/most useless chess piece ever!

The King. A piece that, although not particularly useful in combat, causes you to lose the game automatically if you lose it, regardless of what other great pieces you still have on the board. Honestly, I'd gladly play with most of your invented pieces in exchange for not losing when I lose my King.

The King's feeble-minded cousin Joey

...anyone get that reference?

The pathetic turncoat. This piece changes allegiance every 5 moves.

Here is my version of the communist:

First it perpetrates a revolution and kills the king. After that it turns all the other pieces into pawns. From then on it behaves as a dictator and tells you what moves to make. If you don't comply it declares that you are an enemy of the working class.

If a pawn reaches the promotion square it becomes a communist.

It is not advisable to promote a pawn because once you have two communists on the board they immediately commence a power struggle.

From the Big Bang Theory when sheldon makes the 3 player chess.

Pretty efficient though.

The beautiful woman. This chess piece is not placed on the board itself, but rather the purpose of it is to be used as a deflection from your opponent's concentration. Simply place this piece near the table you are playing at and it should make your opponent turn his head, thus breaking his concentration.

This is the starting position with both sides having a communist:

Both white's and black's communist have the same colour, because of proletarian internationalism.

I will make a puzzle with that here tomorrow. Except the communist piece will be the king in the puzzle.

Here'$ a price: the indianprince. He is a choice of promotion. He moves just like a king, except he can move one or jump two squares. If you promote to him, your king can be captured and you will have to capture the indianprince.

The cannibal; it takes your own pieces so that your king can escape in desperate situations.

How about the "Ping Pong Pawn"?  He never promotes.  When he reaches the eighth rank, he just turns around and heads back the other way.

The communist killed the king during the revolution. It ordered that its square is left vacant so that every piece can remember what fait the burgeouisie will have under communism.

This is a very famous endgame position from the game played between Lavrentiy Beria and Joseph Stalin. As you can see Stalin is already in the mausoleum on h8. In this position Beria hoped to consolidate his position by promoting his c7 pawn. However this move proved to be fatal: the pawn promoted to a Khrushchev and we all know the end of the story...

The ASDF addict: flops around the board blurting annoying songs and uses up a turn to call a piece gay whenever they come into contact with one. Perfect!

the pawnyerd  it goes all over the board putting plants because it thinks the chessboard is a yard

Lol. what if cow reaches rank 8?

              I don't know if this has been mentioned yet, and I didn't invent it but, there's a useless piece right next to the clock.  Its called an ASHTRAY!

Carlsen's success in the WC match must have come from cows, especially the four-cow game:

Eventually black gets wiped off the board and they can do nothing about that. Anand could find no defence against this strategy since the cow is a sacred animal in his country.

The Ambassador. It can move exactly like a queen AND a knight.