Some constructive criticism about Chess.Com t. Chess Greatmaster (not quite grand)

I just recently got into chess and I'm already extremely good yeah I'm like da best there ever was right. Anyways while Chess itself is a great game (not as good as Midnight Club 3: Dub Edition Remix) there are some major flaws with it.

1. Where is the battle pass
Okay so when I win I want to have sparkly glitter explosions and for Daniel Narditskee to personally congratulate me and tell me I'm doing great while specifically commenting on every move I make during the synopsis report but like there's no unlockables okay so here's some ideas on how we can get what i like to call Chess Coins which you can use to unlock stuff like special skins and background music featuring only the finest artists like Ariana Grandey and AC/DC; you unlock coins by using certain openings and winning with them except it'll be really hard because the only good opening is Vant Kruijs opening don't try and argue with me on this I know what the fudge i'm talking about okay.

2. Mentorship is pricey
It should be free this is 2021, because i am econamically challenged i have a poor time responding to people's openings sometimes (even a pro chess player like me needs help sometimes) But uh no non-grandmasters okay, actually i realize that there's only so many grandmasters so make everyone a grandmaster so everyone can be mentored by a grandmaster and before you say "Well if everyone is a grandmaster then no one is" then be quiet, logic isn't allowed anywhere near this post okay i don't take criticism easily :/

3. Where is the Voice Chat
Every good online game has voice chat and Chess.Com doesn't have it, plus it's creepy to send people your discord over Chess.Com cause like what if you're playing against a kid and you're like in your mid 20s, even worse; imagine getting beaten really badly but like you want to give the person who beat you a stern talking to (non-violently) but it turns out they're like in middle school and 900x better than you and you have an existenantial crisis. To prevent this, we should have voice chat so i know if i'm fighting against some preteen so i know to make a gentlemen's forfeit before i embarass myself okay.

4. Honorable Mentions.
Okay just gonna list the minor things this place could use. First one is that there should be a 200x200 grid of Chess where you roll 4 d100s to find out where your pieces land (you have to do this for every piece) and it's like a battle royale except you can find upgrade pieces on the field and depending on what you can get to depends on how good your pieces are (Castles are better than Queens btw). Second is the option to use Discord emojis (self explanatory). Third is Mixer integration because Twitch isn't as good as Mixer (not a dead platform just missing in action). Fourth is an option to order victory pizza after every won game that saves where you live and your credit card information so they can automatically send it to your house every time you win (great incentive for Americans, i would know i am one B-} )

Anyways that has been my criticism and reccomendations for the futrure of Chess.Com thanks for reading and please post your own opinions (about things they should do not my article thank you in advance )  
P.S. We should call it CHESSED.COM i think it rolls off the toungue better. 

I stopped reading halfway through number 3 because it was too hilarious... you should host a comedy show with Amy Schumer