2826-4000 Worst Things To Do While Playing Chess

Here's the right Page:

  Ellen Page

Oh brother, another phallic symbol...

2959. Having a kidney transplant on top of the chessboard with a sadistic doctor/grandmaster who doesn't administer anesthesia but, instead of putting in the new kidney puts a black knight in its place and announces a mate in three while the patient is saying, "I resign!"

2960. Read "How to Deal With Phallic-Looking Objects" by a hot sexy woman with a large posterior. Jeez.

Have a kidney transplant under the chessboard with and idiot/bad chess player who administers anesthesia but uses too much and now you can't feel your kidney. Wait, since when did i start being able to feel my kidney?

Since you put it in that pie; you know, the one with the juicy eyeballs in it?

2962. Snoring so loudly during the chess game that you earn the nickname, Tyrannosnoreus-Rex, which upsets T-Rex so much that he has to come hunt you down!

2963. People are always asking me what my favorite opening to play is against 1. d4?  My answer is always the same. I used to play 1...c5, but I've learned there's a better line. Here's how you want to approach it. Just grab your favorite beer stein and fill it up with nice cool water all the up to the top, so it's almost overflowing. You can put a few ice cubes in there, to cool it off a little bit more. After your opponent plays 1. d4, when you are ready to counterattack that move, grab your stein and pour water all over the chessboard, essentially flooding the pieces. Check to see if your opponent's pieces are trying to get away, maybe by swimming away from the scene of the crime. Don't let them get away. Corral them back in if they try to run or float away. Now find a dirty old mop that you don't use much and have your opponent wipe that board so there's some mud on there. While he's wiping that mess up, next thing you want to do is put down an LP, vinyl recording of Alban Berg's Wozzeck, abstract expressionist opera, and crank that baby up real loud, to where your dad really digs it, and your neighbors are getting ready to call the cops. Now you've got your opponent's attention and he's ready to take you seriously.
Next thing you want to do is go refill that beer stein with a glass of boiling hot water. Quickly, with one deft motion, pour it all over the chessboard before your opponent has a chance to react. If he tries to grab any pieces, he'll burn his fingers, so he'll have to use that dirty old mop again and waddle those steamy muddy pieces around a bit before he can touch those pieces and reset the board. While he's waiting for your first move, this is a good time to go refill that beer stein, this time with a tall glass of pale ale.  Now don't drink it, just yet; first, shake it up a bit to where it's nice and foamy. OK? Good. Now, pour that foam in his beard. If he doesn't have a beard, then pour it all over his hairy face. Good. Now, go into the kitchen and open a can of dolmas (Greek stuffed grape leaves). Take one dolma and gently stuff it up your opponent's left nostril. Do not stuff a dolma up your opponent's right nostril, as this will give your opponent time for a counterattack. Very quickly grab a piece of almost frozen cheesecake and smear that across his face. So far you are executing your reply to 1. d4 perfectly, so now is not the time to let your guard down. Quickly grab a wig and a pig's face and dress up as Miss Piggy in costume. Now say the following words to your opponent: "Oh Kermie!! Will you still love me if I play 1...c5?" Don't wait for the answer, as this is only a rhetorical question designed to confuse your opponent. Instead grab that stein of beer and a straw and shoot some of the beer liquid up his left nostril, in essence, injecting his dolma with beer. To finish your first move, as it will probably by now be sunset, turn on the TV and watch the end of the Giants game. Ta-ta for now. This has been ChessPlayinDude47 on how to defend against 1. d4. Now you can finish that pale ale.

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2964. While waiting for your opponent to move, he decides he will take so long that you begin to think of a chess match between an eggplant vs. a robot - a robot less intelligent than an eggplant, even - and you begin wondering who would win such a match if the eggplant were able to think a little bit.

Reading The Idiot between moves - no silly, not the Dostoevsky - I was talking about your opponent...

2965. Giving your rising chess pupils the following bit of high-flying praise and encouragement:

"Don’t let your pipsqueak get squawked on, and don’t let your pawn-squeakers get squelched! Furthermore, never resort to violent acts in the chess game, violence will get you nowhere once I annihilate you! Lethal-by-lethal I start to build a little, er lethal, attack, but you simply duck my loons and we’ll getcha a low-back chicken up your squawker; then it's just BOOM! - Matt Shock up your Schachmatt!..."

2966. After your opponent plays the Four Pawns Attack Variation of the King's Indian Defense, you place a piece of radish on his rook then look him in the eye and say to him, "Engrossing pawns, dude, like totally radish, man!"

2967. Telling your opponent right before the start of the game: "Yeah, in my last game, when all else failed, I tried to gambit my stinky toenails away, but it was a "declined", so here I am for you..." Don't doodat, peephole! TMI! Keep that to yourself, peephole!

Why would I read Warren's Peas when I could eat Warren's Peas instead?

But, uh, like I always tell my king after he gets checkmated: "Rest in peas, old König..."

2968. Reciting too many poor chess-related haiku during your opponent's turn:

Uh-oh, here's one now!

Medi-okra pawns
Wash-ed away with rice wine...
my hungry haiku - (or not)... 

Here's another:

Pogician belly goooood!

You like wonton when play game?

T-Rex like wonton!

2969. Committing gnifockar during the chess game:

gnifockar - getting naked in front of the chess king and resigning

This is T-Rex. If you see anything that says...

[T-REX HAS DELETED THIS COMMENT]

This means I do not approve of this comment.

Now, I must go back to having my ankylosaurus sandwich with pesto.

[T-REX HAS DELETED THIS COMMENT]

  "Greetings again from T-Rex land!"

2970. Play "Pin-the-tail-on-the-T-Rex".  Don't mess with T-Rex's tail, peephole!