ANOTHER GRANDMASTER CAUGHT CHEATING!!

    Once again, the chess world is rocked by an ugly incident involving foul play, malfeasance, and conduct unbecoming a chess player. However, this time, there is more than just innuendo, insinuation, and wild speculation about some kind of mysterious beads......

   The problem occurred at the recent Drippington Open in East Drippington, BK. The annual Drippington Open is one of the premier events in chess, regularly attracting some of the world's best players. This year's field included 9,352 grandmasters, 21,885 international masters, and a couple of confused Boggle players who took a wrong turn. While not officially part of the Grand Chess Tour, the Drippington is part of the Grand Illusion, the Grand Canyon, and Grandma Moses.

     The incident involved two well known competitors: fan favorite Anish Giri, a top ten player, devout francophile, and amateur balloon sculptor; and cantankerous Mikhail Ploppachenko, known for his unpredictable behavior, rude manner, and poor taste in clothes (he wears burlap socks and tin foil hats). The clash between these two rivals will have far reaching consequences for the players, for chess, and perhaps for the entire universe. As Stephen Hawking said "Chess is quasi-dimensional!" Or maybe that was Stephen King...... ah, whatever.

    In the very first round of the Drippington Open, Ploppachenko, with the white pieces, assayed a novel idea in the tricky Smith-Morra gambit, 3.Be2. The move has since been almost unanimously criticized, with Hikaru Nakamura calling it "the biggest lemon since the Ford Pinto". After a few more equally stupid moves, Ploppachenko quickly got into trouble and was checkmated after only 25 moves.

   Immediately upon seeing the checkmate, Mikhail flew into a rage and screamed and yelled at the top of his lungs. "Cripes! Phooey! Great Caesar's Ghost!! he hollered. The he began gesticulating wildly, alarming the other players. Two security guards noticed the disturbance and headed for the players. Seeing the guards approach, Ploppachenko flung a handful of chess pieces at them. The guards ducked, but some of the players weren't so lucky. A rook bounced off Hans Niemann's head, and a pawn lodged in Ivanchuk's left ear. The guards tackled the crazed player and wrestled him to the floor. It was then that one of them noticed a suspicious object jutting from inside Ploppachenko's right sleeve.

Smelling a rat, the security guard called over the tournament director, Festus Blimpinello. "We found this here ace a' spades stuffed up dis guy's sleeve" the guard said. Upon closer inspection, Blimpinello found that the entire text of Marc Esserman's Mayhem in the Morra! was written on the back of the playing card. Immediately declared a cheater, Ploppachenko was disqualified from the tournament. The security guards dragged the irate player, kicking and screaming, out of the room, and threw him out the back door. "Good riddance to bad rubbish!" the guards said.

    Subsequently, TD Blimpinello contacted FIDE to informed them of this egregious transgression by a titled player. President Arkady Dvorkovich simply laughed off the whole incident. "Ploppachenko!" he said, "That guy's not a grandmaster! He's just some crank that shows up at chess events wearing burlap socks and tin foil hats. He's completely bonkers! Ha!"

    The epic Ploppachenko-Giri game is shown below. Notes are by Stephen King..... or maybe Stephen Colbert.... ah, who knows.

Biggest scandal since putting ketchup on hot dogs.

    Oh, this is way bigger. It's bigger than Deflategate, Watergate, Teapot Dome, Ript n' Rekt, and the 1919 Chicago White Sox scandals. This could mean the end of Ploppachenko's career. And it comes at a particularly inopportune time for the legendary grandmaster. He is currently on track to break the all time record losing streak in chess: 52,214 games without a win or a draw, now held by GM Panko Smoobachuk. At just 22 losses shy of this record, Ploppachenko's vow "never to play this stupid game again!" could mean no top loser's crown for him.

    BTW, what's wrong with ketchup on hot dogs?

Ketchup on hot dogs? That's for people that guzzle ketchup. They don't need the F-ing hot dog.

Mustard. 

this whole thread is golden

   Cripes! Phooey! This was not intended to be a dialectic on condiments! This is a serious subject. A man's entire career may hang in the balance, his livelihood may be destroyed, and you people are blabbing on about what the hell to put on a hot dog!? Who cares?! You can put jello on your stinkin' tube steaks for all I care!!