chess rap

Hey Panaka,

I've played games of bullet chess that lasted longer

Than your total screen time

So why should I even bother?

When I kicked it to Ray coming off a screen set by Garnett

It was enough to make an incrdulous Jar-Jar wet

He proclaimed none better than Rajon

Not Qui-Gon not Obi-Wan

Not even Viswanathan

He musta seen me...

Bumpin elbows with Lebron on the boards

Battling wits with Anand on the board

Puchin out Panaka because I was bored

And now certified by FIDE as Chairman of the Board

The only thing more extensive than my vocabulary

Is my knowledge of advanced chess strategy

I can anticipate a dozen moves in advance

To be frank - you haven't a chance

Around your pieces mine will dance

In a puddle of urine

Originating from your pants

Originating from your pants, a thick froth

I'm fly like X-wing, you fly like squished moth

Dance with me won't you, frank? We need not fight!

What you doing later on?? -- I've got all knight

Playing punks like you, I be stuntin' dramatically

Plus Jar Jar's always wet...simple Gungan anatomy

"Chairman of the Board"? That's a little misleading

When they just let you stack the chairs up after their meeting

Yes my screen time was short but my performance? Immaculate

Besides it wasn't as brief as someone's stint with the Mavericks...

Battling me, Mr. Rondo never could impress

Blaster on the hip bring a new meaning to bullet chess

So give Captain your full respect bitch I deserve it!

Your raps match your trade value.....worthless.

Just for this Obi-Wan gon' let me sport his sword

To slay the losing King of the court and board.

I respect you though Rondo - your shit has layers

This thread's like chess: 64 squares/2 playas

I'm fittin' to team up with this former Celtic

against any bitches who be thinkin' they can spit

i'm open for business, whippin' up disses

flippin my finger, trippin up bishops

hittin' the chess clubs, winning the big cups

sippin' from 'em, sittin on my shitty bum-bum

ba-bum bum-bum ba-ba-bum

I'm so pre-emptive

pitch you my shit like Dempster

check the temperature

you a phlegm gremlin

feminine, unkempt, yet i'ma legend

you checkin for a mate, while i find seven

unkind and devilish you're tepid

left behind as I grind the flesh of your brethren, check it

all you motherf**ers....why you hatin'?

don't make me and yoda come thru wit gary payton

and christian laettner, i'm chillin wit yo chick and baitin her

with this 12 inch knickabocka

you a rap chess waka flocka i'm 2pacapablanca

my rhymes phattest headed for status of a mogul

you ain't hot to these kids, Jared Fogle

i'm a mixture of Psyduck and Snubbull

mind you I'm troubled

Dear Panaka,

You are a big joke to me,

and I find it laughable that you consider yourself hard.

I've seen your attempts at protecting a queen -

talk about an uncoordinated shooting guard.

Let me tell you sometheen

I have a lucky green time machine

I take it back in time you see

To long ago and far away Galaxies

Then

I, Rondo, renedezvous

Wit m'boys Lando and Windu

We shoot some hoops,

and we don't invite you

To the time machine again

This time Poland is my locational entry

right around the begining of the 20th cent'ry

Here I have a great time - 

trading queens with my friend Akiba Rubenstein

While upon a splendid feast we dine - 

and empty bottles of fine polish wine...

All of this and I still make it back to my time in time

to drop the finest dime

To m'boy Willie Cauley-Stein

Bass Line

My game's a vibrant blossom

For the construction of the universe -

My style's a microcosm

My prowess spans decades

Whatever chump preceded my 

I guarantee I'm an upgrade

And ev'ry pawn that's impeded me

I swallowed

Like ya wife's honey nut cheerio

Wash it down with gatorade

Check out the squad that I'm bringin' since now the plot's thickened:

Ibaka, Nimzowitch, Andrew Wiggins and Botvinnik

Don't forget Panaka, puttin' on a shot clinic

Off the bench: Nakamura, Marcus Smart 'n' Olynyk

Carter Williams, Tartakower, Chris Paul and Tal

Everytime these motherfu**ers come to ball, you bawl

Watch in awe as all your pawns'll fall

Rondo's shit is unwatchable.....better call saul

Keep Lando -- bad friend betrayed Han in a second

Only thing lower than that's your 3-pt. percentage

You can swallow my wife's nut, if that's what you're into

But I haven't seen Mace since he flew out the Windu

I'm Captain, 'tween you and Rodney, I pick Mr. Stuckey

Bitch, you sucky whyonchu go back to Kentucky...

Playoff atmosphere - observe the crazy turns that the night takes

My turn? Great! *Handshake* Checkmate as the knight takes

Panaka, you great, but your name sound like Binaca,

A breath spray, yo Dude, ya got some nasty ass breathah,

My queenside pawns can destroy in an instant

Ya best be (Uh-uh!) defensive and piquant

Look alive pal Panaka, your king's eyes are so wide,

Sh#*, he swim in Formaldehyde,

My pawns march on open knight and bishop files

You can't stop 'em or defile 'em

Your jaw drops in amazement as I tackle your whole show

The curtain is closin' on the game you are playin'

Cuz my horsey-team hits ya wit' the double hoof action.

They parade to your castle and knock down the door

Like Trojan ponies they ruin your king's faction

Coup d'etat, pa-Panaka, your Queen-Ho is toast

She showed some bravado but was killed by my HORSE.

Picture the most moist oyster scent

That you can tolerate

A gaseous toxic texture that sets next to you

And makes it difficult to concentrate 

With this spatula 

I fan some flatulence at you

Distractive, unattractive

You’re held captive

Not a captain

I'm just reacting

To your actions 

A tactic so dramatic

that I become addicted to the conflict

Is there art in attack?

It’s an imperfect verdict

But here’s how I see it

- Show respect and expect respect

- Accept lessons in defeat

- Display humility in victory

"I'm a seafarer and I like my shit fitted"

- that was the sailor's take for the tailor's sake

get me in a game i'll bake up a maelstrom

reduce men to poppin pills - their skills failed 'em

I got they ass, maybe I'll mail it to 'em

I trap they pieces and impale 'em stupid

remorseless horse checks in a molten vortex

hit you wit more checks, you should never ignore threats

when I conjure them, sicilian, i hop in the gondola

i'ma monster dominatin witta onslaught thats harming ya

your armory is naught v. my positional harmony

have your lady sent on me to party, please pardon me

when i beat you, i leave you with no square to flee to

the pieces translucent but your position is see-through

i'm a veritable kobayashi to your oscar meyer

my flow is natural, no mark mcguire

reach a critical position and i start the fire

stop to admire my king aloft in a guarded spire

victory L's i gots my kinfolk sparkin

quick-hittin' slow opponents in the nimzo-larsen

stave you off in the najdorf, homie don't play soft

foes know me to create amazing play off

even the most incipid, simplistic construction

any endgame affront met with oft-instant combustion

accute high-octane octopussian tendencies

in the knight v. bishop occupy the amenities

control key squares, beware, you gettin caught on the board

your best move is to offer a draw...

"Panaka declined the draw offer"

rondo09 he show some words for the wise,

for any chess playah, you pay attention and read . . .

- Accept lessons in defeat

- Display humility in victory

Yo' game will be crumb if you're movin' too dumb

Don't leave that horse hangin', support it with some-

Thing like a choirboy, Bro', or maybe a pawn,

You got to open up avenues

For your rook to grab revenues

And set a course fo' yo' Queenie-girl

To sail on diagonal

You don't need to be brainiac

like Magnus or Fischer,

Just play at your best speed

You ain't no Apollo Creed!

You'll take a few wins

And maybe some losses

But enjoy the game chess

And just don't blunder those hosses!

Ramp up your B-game,

Turn it into an A-game,

Bring your gambits and forks

And you can lay down those dorks!

My cortex is a forest...

Lively with scores of, Ty-rannosaurus

Vibrant with gorgeous flora...

Pine trees soar divinely with an aura

of peace on the breeze...

the season's deeds treat the gleaming streaks of leaves

yellows, reds, orange, browns and greens

there's streams and creeks and geese and sheep

But still I'll feign you and frame you, and defame you -

And Andy Dufraine you, crawling through a pipe o' poo

I'll drain you heathens into the sewer, Hedo Turkoglu

Manure in your hair, soupy, sub-human doo-doo

Flush yo bitch-ass in a hurry, I'm in a rush, hush

I'll expose your hemoglobin, cut you open, it gush

i'm untrustworthy, but nodody trusts

when I tell 'em watch out or I'll truck you in a bus in the buff

Can't cuff a man who's just as likely

to cut his own arms off, to make him more slippery

custody is a bluster, a bluff, from stuffy schmucks

in blue uni's as I dutifully thrust what I must till I bust

flustered yet, custies? I buck like mushing huskies in slush

got 'em as pups, they were fluffy and plush

gluttony led to stuffing me and puffing me butt up

but such things don't mean much to me, you suck, shut up

it's been a while cuz my style's most prophylactic

i'm a 'star' with tactics, nah, -- "so galactic", that it's

tragic when a patzer battle down to the last hit

but i've grown didactic, i ain't moanin' a tad bit

Know, I've never known watching my throne overthrown

skills ain't overblown (no), you barer than a polar clone

mirror image scary incision in the position, precision

is the mission, visitors flinch in sicilians, glisten

does my pieces, stylish in double-sided fleeces

...............................i ain't bein' facetious

roll by ya castle and i blast you where the wreath is

i'm fiendish...you speechless, depleted so peace bitch

Keep me in your dreams

Sleep seems so serine

Find peace in pieces

As the distance increases

between you and me

That's it

I've had it

You want it

You can have it

I'd rather look back on it 

And recall it with fondness 

But I'm silly

And rarely see things clearly 

I be comin' on strong

Wi' my March Madness song

I take my game to the hoop

All the hustlahs I'll dupe

Either Chess or in roundball

I'm the King of the Court, y'all

Dare to put soldiers

Out there against me

I'll mow 'em all down

Wi' my horse attack, Pard' me?

My ponies are stallions

Crafty and flawless

They rush outta da stable

And they become lawless

With their hooves all against ya

You got no chance to win, Bustah!

I see the signs

That you about to resign, Jack,

So cry, take yo' set home

And don't evah come back!!!

Nice!

the ethereal potential of my material's ample

to trample both grandpa and the prodigy in pampers

push hammy haters to the brink, here's a succinct sample:

my rooks, as if on a rink, skating' rampant

bishops diving in like birds of prey - oops

forgot to protect ya nest (you realize as he swoops)

my knights are like dogs, hornswoggling, feral

and they swoops in too, not unlike sheryl

you a pigeon! revenge? you'll never exact it

i'll always predate you like hungry pterodactyls

fact is i don't need practice but you do cause your

pieces seem to lack this ... skill that i got!

oops my raps swerves and swoops in with one of snoop's

wordsmith's disses, but besides that all original

my squad god-like, and yours pitiful, pull strings on the d-file

like Geppetto, got wood for a child, but not a pedophile

Thread activity has activated me

Now sitttin’ pretty in the windy city

 suddenly I’m feelin’ Bullish

Confrontational and foolish

 Ready to overstep the boundaries

Established

 by polite society

Because no doctor’s prescription

Effectively wanes my anxiety

Like chess chump dissin’

I don’t flow like Snoop or Doc

Who P’naka’s fond of imitating

But I come somewhat unorthodox

Like a Tal mate combination

Square light or dark

I practice no prejudice

I control the board as a whole

Puppet master and ventriloquist

Fall in love with the voice queen-side

Where pawn pressure’s alluring

While the mouth where the voice abides

Is king-side storming

Misdirection spreads you thin

Head on a swivel

  decapitation is imminent

Fo shizzle m’nizzle