If Chuck Norris plays against Deep Blue, Deep Blue would resign the first move Chuck Norris made.
chess related jokes
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Magnus Carlsen played chess against Chuck Norris... and made him cry.
The Perfect Hypermodern Game
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TetsuoShima wrote:
ks68cowboy wrote:
Horrible joke to be told at Christmas time:
A chess tourname was being held in a hotel. Afterwards several of the players were gathered at the entrance to the hotel enjoying a cool breeze through the open doors. All were discussing wins and how a particular fork or gambit turned the game in their favor. They continually got louder and louder until finally the hotel manager came out yelling at them all to LEAVE, GET OUT!. Upon returning to the desk an employee asked the manager why he treated the players so rudely. The manager replied, "If there is anything I can't stand it is chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
you know it might be my insufficient english skills, but i heard that joke now 10 times and i still dont get it.
It's a pun. 'Chestnuts roasting on an open fire' is a Christmas sterotype thing
LOL!! That chess nut joke was hilarious! :)
TOP TEN moments when you should sense danger in chess:
- There has been a change in the pawn structure; your opponent has 8 and you don’t have any.
- Your opponent begins to throw pawns at your eyes.
- You have a position won, but your opponent has a gun.
- The Director tells you not to bother turning in your score sheet after the game.
- Before the game begins you notice your opponent’s first initials are GM.
- After completing your development you sense your opponent is playing the endgame.
- Just as you make your opening move, your opponent announces mate in 11.
- You don’t control any squares at all.
- Your draw offer sends all the people watching your game into uncontrollable laughter.
- Your opponent has three bishops.
kalecgos91 wrote:
This isn't quite a joke, but I find it quite good.
Pawns teach us that if you work hard enough, you can achieve your goals, but there is a limit to everything.
Bishops teach us, that sometimes we can't get the things that are right besides us.
Knights teach us that extraordinary can be just as good as bad.
Rooks teach us that you should always look for opportunities in your life.
Queens teach us that usually we have to wait for the best things, and also that it's not a clever thing to play straight away your strongest cards.
Kings teach us that vulnerability is always a thing to consider, but is also always situational.
Generally, chess is just like life. It has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Every decision you make will have consequences, some reversible, others not. Sometimes you have to go for uncertain and complicated things, but most of the time the most simple solution is the best. It is essential to have some plans for both long and short term in your life, but sometimes you just have to listen to your instincts and intuitions and go with the flow.
nice and i must tell you i really really Love the part with the bishop. It was really funny, cute, cruel and thoughtful. Thx a lot.
So I was having dinner with a chess grandmaster - Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!
Hellbreaker wrote:
So I was having dinner with a chess grandmaster - Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!
lol!! man, laugh is truly good for the soul..thanks for sharing! :D
varelse1 wrote:
TOP TEN moments when you should sense danger in chess:
There has been a change in the pawn structure; your opponent has 8 and you don’t have any. Your opponent begins to throw pawns at your eyes. You have a position won, but your opponent has a gun. The Director tells you not to bother turning in your score sheet after the game. Before the game begins you notice your opponent’s first initials are GM. After completing your development you sense your opponent is playing the endgame. Just as you make your opening move, your opponent announces mate in 11. You don’t control any squares at all. Your draw offer sends all the people watching your game into uncontrollable laughter. Your opponent has three bishops.
Love the last one!
BorgQueen wrote:
the republican chess, atheist chess joke
Love it!
Although I think Marxist chess should be more like this:
Two friends meet on the street one day and one of them says, "My wife says if I play in the chess tournament tomorrow she'll take the kids and leave me." The other asks him, "So what are you going to do tomorrow?" And the other answers, "Same as always: 1. e4."
Aletool wrote:
Two friends meet on the street one day and one of them says, "My wife says if I play in the chess tournament tomorrow she'll take the kids and leave me." The other asks him, "So what are you going to do tomorrow?" And the other answers, "Same as always: 1. e4."
I can only shake my head and say.. "yes, that's definitely a man thinking! " (I might add, married w /kids)
"So I was having dinner with GGGG KKKKKKKKK - Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!"
A chess master died - after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him! "What's it like, where you are now," he asked. "What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news." "Tell me the good news first." "Well, it's really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they're all here, and you can play them." "Fantastic!" the friend said, "and what is the bad news?" "You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday."
Magnus Carlsen once won a staring contest with the sun!
When the boogieman goes to bed at night, he check under his bed for Magnus Carsen!
When the Almighty created the universe, He was accused of "playing Magnus Carlsen."
A doctor once told Magnus Carlsen he only had 3 months left to live. Magnus Carlsen glared. The doctor gave him another century.
Magnus Carlsen's truck has no reverse gear. Magnus Carlsen only goes forward.
Houdini 3 was ejected from a tournament for "consulting Magnus Carlsen."
A fear of spiders is arachnophobia. A fear of enclosed spaces is claustrophobia. A fear of Magnus Carlsen is just common sense!
Magnus Carlsen actually died three years ago. Death is too afraid to tell him!
Death once had a Near-Magnus Carlsen-experience.
Magnus Carlsen once threw a stun grenade and knocked out 50 people. Then it exploded.