Funny Chess Jokes

Wood13

The idea for this topic is merely to have fun!

Please add any chess jokes you may have, and, most importantly... have a good time!!!!

Cheers!!!

My joke: The Merchant and the Arab

A Spanish merchant traveling a lonely road did business from town to town. One day he came aross an Arab sitting in the middle of the road with a chess board.

Curious, the merchant asked, "Why are sitting here alone playing chess?"

"Oh, I'm not alone," said the Arab.

"But I don't see anyone with you."

"That is, the Arab replied, because I play the great Allah, the One who is everwhere!"

"You have a powerful opponent, then!"

"Yes, but a fair one."

"And is He winning?" asked the merchant.

"It seems so. Can you see how I can avoid being checkmated by His next move? It will mean I cannot play anymore today."

"Why not?" asked the merchant, puzzled.

"I will have lost all my money," replied the Arab.

Stunned and not believing his ears, the merchant said slowly, "You and Allah play chess for money?" He had never ever heard of such a thing.

"Yes. See, here I lose twenty gold pieces."

"But wait, how do you pay Allah?"

"Oh, of course Allah doesn't take the money Himself. He sends some honest holy man who takes it from  me amd gives it to the poor. That is the same as giving it to Allah. And, since I have indeed lost, you must be the man Allah has sent today. Here, do Allah's and take these twenty gold pieces."

The merchant, not as honest or holy as he might have been, was delighted.

Weeks later, again traveling that road, the merchant shook his head at the thought of the Arab playing chess with Allah. Suddenly, in the middle of the road was the Arab, sitting alone with his chess board.

"Is Allah winning today?" asked the merchant pulling his wagon up alongside.

"No," replied the Arab, happily. "In fact, in one more move I shall checkmate Him, and win a hundred gold pieces!"

"And however will Allah pay you?"

"Oh, of course Allah doesn't pay me Himself. He sends some honest holy man who will give me what I have won! Today," the Arab finished, you must be the man Allah has sent to pay me one hundred gold pieces."

 

Barry_Thomas_Brown

I was arrested for playing chess in the middle of the road yesterday, I asked the police officer; 'is it cos I am black?'

 

 


mxdplay4
Barry_Thomas_Brown wrote:

I was arrested for playing chess in the middle of the road yesterday, I asked the police officer; 'is it cos I am black?'

 

 


are you sasha cohen?

Barry_Thomas_Brown
lol :)

 


Wood13
Thats pathetic.
ruacubfan2

I Had to join chess.com. know y?

I Pawned all of my chess sets!

Wood13

lol!

grizzles

One friend said to the other "I saw an explosive game of chess the other day...", to which the other replied "How so?" 

"The first move was pawn to c4!"

aadaam

All the digits were playing chess (just to fit in with this topic). As they sat down to play, the zero said to the eight "your belt is a bit tight!".

aadaam

Me:  "Judit Polgar, I think I'm a pin"

Judit Polgar:  " I can see your point"

Mainline_Novelty

dont get either of them, aaddaamm

brandonQDSH

Barry_Thomas_Brown LOL!

EndingPride

Mr. A: "hm~~, I am confused"

Mr. B: "What's the problem, A?"

Mr. A: "Well, I am thinking about chess."

Mr. B: "Oh, I am an expert, A, so if you got any. . . "

Mr. A: "OH GOOD~, you see B, THe queen has the power of both Bishop and Rook, which makes it kinda the best piece in the game but, how come the queen can't move like a knight?"

Mr. B: "Um... um... um... Maybe... because... um... The queen is too shy to get onto a horse... you know... the skirt and stuff... "

Mr. A: "Ok... but I thought only man can go to war. How come there is a queen in the chess board?"

Mr. B: "Because... um... um... everyone should be treated equally?"

Mr. A: "I see. I thought women weren't treated equally in the past."

Mr. B: "You know what, I gtg."

 

Anyone know why there is a queen in the chess board and why it can't move like a horse~

Jythier

Yes.  Someone knows.

hondoham

How many squares are there on a chess board?

Two plus the spectators.

DaveKat

My dad came up with this one:

"Did you hear about the Slovak who found a wife? She was his czechmate." XD Lame I know.

sodayodadude

Chess pick up line!

"Hey, I'd put my rook in your open file..."

LAexpress12

A chess master died - after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
"What's it like, where you are now," he asked.
"What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news."
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, it's really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they're all here, and you can play them."
"Fantastic!" the friend said, "and what is the bad news?"
"You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday."

pathfinder416

Taken from The Chess Scene (Levy and Reuben):

1. “Black’s position is perfectly balanced. It is weak on the king side and equally so on the queen side.” (Marco)

2. “Sacrifices only prove that someone has blundered.” (Tartakover)

3. “It is always better  to sacrifice your opponent’s men.” (Tartakover)

4. “The refutation of a sacrifice frequently consists in its acceptance.” (Steinitz)

5. “The slowness of genius is hard to bear, but the slowness of mediocrity is intolerable.” (Buckle)

6. Tal, after being told he played like Lasker: “No, Lasker got a lost position in half the games he played. I get a lost position in every game.”

7. Tarrasch about Nimzovitch: “He goes his own way, a way, however, not to be recommended to the general public.”

8. Clarke about Petrosian: “He does nothing, but he does it very well.”

9. A Soviet player, on receiving the GM title, to Korchnoi: “Now I am a grandmaster like you.” Korchnoi’s reply: “No, you are a grandmaster like Damjanovic.”

10. “Fred Reinfeld is the world champion lightning chess book writer.” (Bronstein)

 I think #8 is my favourite of those.

 

siamesenightmare93

I can't rememeber who, but one time one of the great chess players was asked to describe his style, to which he replied, "Bah! I have no style. I simply play the right moves!"