Signs you're a bad chess player

You move your king next to your opponent's king and say "check".

You’re about to buy a property when the owners and the real estate agent arrive. You pull the cheque out of your pocket and the agent says happily, “Ah, that’ll be the cheque mate!”

You immediately burst into tears and hysterically strangle the estate agent. When things have calmed down the owners walk over to you and say, “No worries about the estate agent, no great loss to humanity there, f&#king agents. But you must be a shockingly bad chess player!”

You think NN was the best player of all time. ;)

(Even funnier to me because I just found out who he is! xD)

Some ideas...as I have very little humour

1. If you play Live Chess like this dude: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbcctWbC8Q0
2. When you decide in a tournament that you'll throw every one of your pieces that were captured to your opponent, you only won because you knocked him unconcious
3. You think that you can reach GM by chess-boxing, knocking em in the noggin'
4. When you put a token on every square around the enemy king at the start of the game, saying "They've been nuked, so you can't move through them"
5. When you play chess, you can't stop thinking about chesst.
6. You always play 1.e4 2.d4 and storm off, thinking 2...Nxe4 is illegal
7. When you want to castle your king, you put a sandcastle on it, thinking "haha! You can't checkmate me now!
8. When the supervisor removes the sandcastle and you forgot you don't have a king in the first place
9. When you run for 5 minutes to chase the supervisor down, only to lose in time
10. When you see the garbage truck speed away with the White king shouting "So long, sucker!"
11. When you thought it's a good idea to bring the coffin of Queen Elizabeth and try to put it on d1.
12. When your opponent gets up and says "I'll take a lunch break while you resign" and shows you the forced mate
13. When you're white, the game goes 1.e4 Nc6 2.Bc4 b6 3.Qh5, and you decide you'll have a nap, thinking you'll win.
14. You call your Mum to bring you a book of openings, because you can't remember what to do after 1.e4 e5
15. You hope for a quick kingside attack with f4-g4-h3.
16. You win by forfeit because you brought in a loudspeaker and shouted abuse at your opponent's ear for 90 minutes.

Your opponent refers to you as Victim

 go is a great game.

I know that

If I knew you, you would be immediately disowned.

GO GO

Oh and a contribution:

You have discovered the one-move checkmate:

You were taught chess by your 5 y.o. daughter.

You flip a coin to decide which piece to move. 

As well as idolising NN, you have collected all his games, studied every detail of them and strive to emulate his style of play in your own games.

Your chess rating is -500 and you still can't beat someone who has never played chess.

You sacrifice your king and queen in order to earn a pawn.

It is the designation (meaning "anonymous") typically given to an insignificant chess player in a game where he is crushed by a famous player.

You always refer to your opponent as to en peasant.

You play NN attack variation of lithuanian gambit as white.

Guud un

During the game you see your king trying to put his crown on one of the pawns.

1. When you use your finger to count the moves needed for your King to stop a passed pawn from promotion.

2. When you try to pronounce Schevenigen the Dutch way and replace Carlsbad with the beer brand you like.

3. When you, as a boy, got a girlfriend (at chess club), whose beauty was probably the worst, just because she lost every single game you played.

4. When you, as White, play 1. a4 ... 2. Ra3 (or h4 and Rh3) then proudly swing your rook across the third rank.

5. When you take your tiny netbook to the club and show your friends software analysis of endgames involving four pieces.

6. When you buy high-quality Stauton chess set just to play first knight move by shoving it so that the knight won't touch other pieces.