Signs you're a bad chess player

you demand to play chess with no pieces

you have a rally-king vs king. first one down loses

you think the clock's rigged and call the arbiter but turns out you haven't started the time

Your opponent advises you to play the Patzer opening and you believe him.

You dont believe chess strategy exists .  

Nice effort.

You are a bad player if this statement is applicable to you "Chess is the only way nerds can mate"

You’re probably a bad chess player if the only reason you got involved is that you heard that there were a lot of porns involved. You continue to show up at your local chess club hoping someone will cast you in his film. Even though you can’t figure out if none of them look like directors/actors or maybe all of them do.

If you're watching someone elses game and keep asking why they didn't play such and so move when 'such and so move' actually loses a piece.

When I was in fifth grade and had just learned to play chess, my brother and I would occasionally play each other. He was as much a rookie as I was at the time. In some of our games (in which, I'm sure, our strategy was horrible at best, nonsensical at worst), I would manage to get a Pawn all the way to the 7th rank. The promotion square would usually be guarded, often by a Rook. I wanted so earnestly to promote that Pawn that I would ask and try to reason with my brother that I should be allowed a free move after promoting to a Queen. I explained, "Because otherwise you'll just capture it right away!", or something like that.

Well, DUH!

I didn't try to convince him that it was a rule. I just asked him, more as a favor to me.

Fail, me! FAIL! 

Hahaha, did it ever work? 

Of course not!  My brother would just huff in frustration and say something like, "What? That doesn't make sense!"

I just shake my head now at how puny my grasp of the game of Chess was back in those days. My young, naïve, stupid days....

1. The easiest way for you to win is by paying your opponents lots of money

2. You can't beat computer1 on chess.com

3. You use Rybka to cheat... and lose anyway

4. Your 6-year opponent starts laughing at you when you make your first move

5. You forget how to castle

6. You get proud after castling because it's a "secret" move

7. You MUST castle within 5 moves or you resign

8. Nobody will let you buy anything related to chess

9. You play chess against your friend and after the game he forgets how to play

10. You don't have a rating AT ALL (not even unrated)

11. You are featured in "The museum of history's worst chess players" 

12. You get paid $100 000 for winning a game

13. You enter a tournament barely knowing how to play chess

14. You never play any openings that you lost with

15. YOU GET SUPREMELY TIRED AFTER A CHESS GAME

I apologize if someone already mentioned this, but one-dimensional chess is, uhh, a line. I don't know about you guys, but I can't play chess when all I have is a line. 

That hasn't been mentioned before, but you do have good logic. Only the x-axis exists in one dimention, two dimentions adds the y-axis, and three dimentions has the z-axis.

And I agree with you, chess is impossible to play with only a line. There has to be at least two dimentions for it to function properly.

Depends how you define properly. :D

______________________________________________________________________ 

______________________________________________________________________

1.  put the 2 lines together

2.black/gray are the squares (lines?)

3.blue/green are the pieces.

4.make your own rules.

You make ignorant comments like this

1D chess:

The board is 64 spaces, single file.

The beginning setup is:

|(11 blank spaces) pRNBQKBNRp (22 blank spaces) pRNBKQBNRp (11 blank spaces)|

Also note that the ends wrap (that is, square 1 is "adjacent" to 64 and vice versa).

White on left; Black on right; White moves first.

Pawns move in the direction initially away from their king, one space at a time, two on first move. When a piece obstructs them, they may jump the piece and capture, checkers style (this is how the pawns capture). Note that if a pawn hasn't yet moved and a piece stands in the way of the pawn moving two spaces, the pawn may capture by moving three spaces, jumping to the immediate other side of that piece. Inner pawns promote when cross to the other side of the board. Outer pawns promote at the end of the board.

Knights move exactly two squares left or three squares right, and can jump over pieces.

Bishops move an even number of squares left or right, but cannot jump over pieces.

Rooks move an odd number of squares left or right, but cannot jump over pieces.

Queens move any number of squares left or right, but cannot jump over pieces.

Kings move one or two squares left or right, but cannot jump over pieces.

Castling: At any time in the game, the king may exchange places with a rook in his army.

Rules concerning check, checkmate, stalemate/other draws are the same as in regular chess.

Now zero-dimensional chess would be impossible to construct in a way that resembles chess.

Zero-dimension chess would probably staring at a blank sheet of paper and your opponent would probably be thinking "Is this guy crazy or what?!"