you're caught cheating after the game and you still lose
Signs you're a bad chess player
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you play in a tournament with a rulebook by your side
You use a slide rule to calculate your chess moves.
You are so bad at chess that it doesn't even occur to you that maybe Miss Universe also gets the morning newspaper.
you think chess is terrible
You are a really bad chess player when your kid sister spots you a rook and beats you at every game.
And your grandma? Ditto.
You yell "Touch move!" after every move your opponent makes, even if it's a good move.
You are scheming to win with a sneak attack (your uncle taught you scholar's mate) when your opponent starts popping zits and it dawns on you that you are playing with HIS chess pieces and wiping the perspiration from your face with your hand.
You freak out, ruining your concentration and you blow the game, maintaining your 200 rating...once again.
Your OTB rating is 200.
You avoid blitz because you are -200 and bullet -500. How that works, I don't know but it is what it is.
Then you hear about internet turn based play. Your rating shoots up to 2,000. You feel like a god. You go on forums and you use words like "ontological" to explain your superior chess playing skills.
You even start drinking your tea with your pinky crooked as you hold the cup. Everyone bows and scrapes as you pass by.
And, you are still hopeful that Miss Universe will soon be returning your phone call.
You rub your lucky rabbit's foot for "good measure" and in high expectation. Believe and things happen.
Life is good.
You never beat anyone rated higher than you (oops, sorry, a serious one).
OK...I like that...
You never beat anyone rated higher than you...
So, you cash in your unemployment check and buy a pinky ring (with a big zirc) to celebrate.
you think you are awsome wen you have a rating of 200
You think that FIDE should fire all of it's players for sitting around and playing a board game all day!
You are playing with yourself (hey...no dirty thoughts!) on your Bobby Fischer memorabilia (you bought it on E Bay, a collector item for $3.99) four-inch-square, pocket peg-board chess set...and you are winning...when suddenly the phone rings.
"Darn!", you say to yourself (because, once again you are all alone) as you drop the chess set from your lap and the pieces go flyiing and scattering, mostly underneath all the furniture.
"Must be that Miss Universe", you toothlessly beam. "Hello...hello?!..."
But, very sadly for you, it is just Guido, the annoying bill collector again.
Life is...well...not so good.
You've never heard of the term, "Winning a chess game"
Although months have gone by, sadly for you, Miss Universe has never returned your phone calls. Not any of the 47.
Then, gladly, you happen to see her at the local cafe.
Good thing you brought your Bobby Fischer memorabilia (it's actually a "knock off") pocket peg board chess set. You ask Miss Universe if she'd like to play a few games. Lucky day!!! She agrees.
Well, after losing three out of three games...you've never felt so humiliated in your entire life!
Small consolation as it may be, she at least allowed you to buy her coffee and a Danish. You beam (yes, still toothlessly) with pride. The day has not been a total waste, afterall.
Life is good!
e4nf3, I hope this is not autobiographical! 
No, Greg, I was writing about a typical, sonorous 1373 bagger. Cough...cough.
It is getting close to Christmas and you decide that instead of spending your hard-earned savings on that refurbished Velocity Micro Cruz Tablet T301 with Chess Titans built in, you are going to take a Greyhound Bus trip to Pasadena, where you will hold an all-night, candlelit Novena...two days and nights, in honor of Bobby's 2-day torture and imprisonment...at the...yes...yes...you start drooling in anticipation...Pasadena jail.
You also obtain a torn up mattress from the local flea market (reminiscent of the one that Bobby tore up..."destruction of government property", which they added to his charges).
The mattress has tears, holes, vomit and urine stains...the works...very realistic. You plan to sleep on it, right outside the jailhouse entrance. And, it should fit in the luggage bay below the Greyhound bus, when you roll it up and tie it tightly with a square knot (you learned how to do this when you were a Boy Scout and such knowledge is indespensable).
You tell all your chess buddies on Yahoo chess (all three of them) to put a vacation time on the games. Then, you sneak down the fire escape ladder (you are a little late with the rent and don't want the landlady to see you going) and you head down to the bus terminal, humming your favorite holiday song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBQvZw7_6rg
Life is very good.
Good one!
I can't think of any more. But wait, I give it a go...
It is announced on the radio that you just won the big lottery. You get a phone call from Miss Universe asking you out for a date. But, you politely decline because you already have your evening planned...an all night series of games against chess.com's computer, set at the 1200.
You play with your favorite opening, the Orangutan (Sokolsky's Opening), in each and every game because you know it's the best.
Sadly, you lose every single game. You suspect that the computer has been CHEATING!
Then, you get the early morning newspaper where it is published that the new editor for the lottery announcement has dyslexia and he printed the winning number backwards...so your ticket is forfeit.
Darn! (You say to yourself, because you are all alone). Even though you didn't get screwed, somehow...net...you feel as though you have been. So, you are content.
Plan B...you reach for the phone to call Miss Universe back and to tell her that you are now free to accept her date.
Life is good.