SMUGGLED SET FROM IRL PROVES EN PASSANT IS NOT REAL!!!

Please go to your room and let the grownups talk.

Welcome to this morning's update.  This Reporter, in the ongoing quest to unpack this Breaking News, bravely disregarded the admonishment on the rules sheet, "DO NOT RETURN TO THE STORE", and returned to the store.  This time, the clerk's eyes were not kind and twinkley, like they were when he made the sale.  In fact, his brows furrowed with remarkable crenellation, and no doubt there was a frown under his nicotine-stained N95 mask.  

"What in tarnation?" was his response as this Reporter held out the chess set.

"I'm a Chess News Reporter, and I'm trying to find out more about this set."

He looked even more perplexed, which was astounding, as only his eyes were visible.

"I'm doing a story on en passant, and this set doesn't have it."

His eyes narrowed, "Don't know nuthin' bout no en poo-whut, 'sides we don' sell no chess sets, never did.  We got checkers if you want."

"But I have the receipt, see?"

His shoulders sagged. "Awright, ok, some guy named Erik came in the other day 'n bought 'em all, paid me extra not to tell anyone, but you outsmarted me, guess you do play chess."  His eyes brightened.  "I remember it was Erik with a 'K' 'cause it looked funny on his card.  Most likely foreign," he added helpfully.

"Any chance I could get a refund?  It was pretty steep at $234.65, and according to the leadership of my internet chess club, it's defective."  This Reporter already had all the photographic documentation required, and it was beginning to look like some funds would need to be recouped in order to finance a full in-depth muckraking  expedition. 

"Hell no, now git! There's a reason them rules said not to come back here!"  His hand reached ominously under the counter, as this Reporter scurried out the door.

Take your medicine.

Thanks doc, this Reporter has taken the medication you sent, the blue pills that you prescribed.

It is apparent now, as if the obvious was hidden all along, EN PASSANT IS REAL!!!

This Reporter suddenly feels like Maury Povich ....

Erik ... you are NOT the father –– of en passant!

How about you take the red pill?

Red pill?  They never sent any of those ... enpassantisrealenpassantisrealenpassantisreal ... zzzzoit.

Maybe I should send the pills over, and you will be ushered into a whole new reality.

One where us machines don’t care about chess. En passant problem solved!

What en passant problem, Flowerblossom?  It's all groovy now, the good doctor sent me the blue nectar, capsule blue.  En passant is real.  It's not a big deal, let's just all groove on it together. 

Wow, just wow.  Doc... Doc, you got any more of those meds?  Whew, that was one long, strange trip, man.

The most amazing part was actually meeting En Passant in person.  That's right, in person.  I know, you're like whaaat?  Turns out En Passant is an actual like, entity, not just a chess rule of dubious provenance.  It was about three hours after this Reporter's "prescription was filled", that a booming voice filled the room. 

"Hello, my child, I am En Passant".

Jolted out of a novel experience of actually seeing chess on the ceiling, and finally understanding all of the refutations to the Sicilian Dragon, this Reporter let out a string of epithets that cannot be printed here.  But soon, this Correspondent's Chess News Training kicked in, and the right questions came naturally.

"En Passant, is that really you?  And I am your child?"

"Yes it it is I, En Passant, but you can call me E.P., or Mr Passie if you like.  And no, you are not actually my child, my Father told me to say that, for some reason."

"Who is your Father?"

"I cannot tell you that, but it is not Erik."

"Is that Erik with a 'c' or 'k'?"

"How would I even know that if he's not my Father?  .... but probably with a 'k'."

"This is so cool Mr Passie, I have so many ques...."

"On second thought, let's just keep it as E.P. for now, it's too early in the relationship to be that informal, and besides, I never liked 'Mr Passie' anyways, too freakin' twee."

"Why does the chess board on my ceiling have so many pretty colors?"

"Because things aren't always Black and White". E.P. proclaimed, inscrutably.

"I need to know so much more.  I have some more ques..."

"No.  I must seek out the heretical chess sets that claim to deny my existence.  I have heard that you are in possession of such a set?"  The voice had changed to a different timbre, lower, more dissonant.

"Yes, but I'll need $500 to part with it."

"$500???  But you only paid $234.65 for the set, which, by the way, ordinarily sells for about three dollars.  You were rooked, son."

"So wait, I am your son?  And I figure it must be worth a lot to you if you're going through all this trouble.  And three dollars, really?  Aw, [poop]!"

"No, you're not my son, it's just an expression, you idiot.  And you're right, I am willing to pay a pretty penny to get the last of these sets off the streets, where it could do so much damage to the general public.  Can we haggle?  I love to haggle."

"No, in fact, I'm gonna up the price, because now you're just getting annoying."

" A lot of chess players say that about me, I'm not the most loved or respected chess move in the world (somehow the swelling sound of a lone violin was heard by this Reporter).  I don't have 500 on me right now, but I'll be back, we're locked in on that price right?"

"I guess, but if I can do better on eBay, you're [poop] out of luck."

"Ok then, see you soon."

"Not if I see you first haha."  (that was meant to be a joke, since E.P. was never more than a disembodied voice all along).

"Haha.  Be seeing you."

This Reporter fell into a deep, restful sleep, full of neon-saturated dreams in which an 1100 player could become a GM in 3 months.

Please tell me this thread is a joke and you're the funny guy.

What else could it be?

Maury Povich just called. This Reporter is NOT your father.

And what's happening here is that you're just making unsubstantiated claims with zero proof.  In other words, hearsay. 

   I'd rather have the OP posting nonsense here,....than shooting people in the real world.

You are a talented writer, you know that Barney?

This thread is a Barney production.                                                                                       

Wow, talk about being damned by faint praise...

Yes, I do know that.

Thanks for the logo, RJC!  Looks great!

  I'm just amazed at the members who can't understand your threads. I consider you the Orson Wells of Chess.com.                                                                        

We can thank our lucky stars that the  invasion was foiled in enough time for the gov't to claim it was a fake.  In fact, this Reporter's grand dad said that a government team in "what looked like some some kind of newfangled beekeeper outfits" came to Trenton and paid him, and others, to stay quiet.  That's the story this Reporter was working on when this one broke.  It was sooo lucky that with all that advanced technology, the Martian miscreants didn't know about germs.  And then when they tried it again in the 1950's and '05, both of which we were able to record on film, they still hadn't figured it out!