The Devolution of Chess

Once upawn a time there was a creature called chess. It had many forms: an Al-lajlajlajlaj; a Gioachino Gecko; Legall de Lemur; Phil Oder; Alexandre Despair-Pellets; and Louis de la Bourdonnais Sauce.

After wondering in a desert about forty Knights. Chess finally decided to become a game. It gathered it pride and sorrow and Morphed into a set of pieces. Dauntin' Staunton (so called because of his fondness for green onions) found them and claimed to have invented them.

He sold them in a Stein to a sorcerer named Zukertort (which is German for slow sausage). Zukey (as his friends called him) proceeded to invent a lot of horrible openings which slowly made him ill.

Zukey saw a doctor (I don't recall the name but I'll-ask-her). The Dr. said it was all psychological and broke the Stein!

Free of the Stein, Chess Morphed again into a sport which was dominated by Dr. I'll-ask-her for 27 years. She lost the game in a bet in Casablanca where she met a young boy who defeated her by making simple moves that everyone could understand.

Hearing of this travesty, an energized young Knight, A. A. A. Alkaline, galloped forth (and then fifth) to claim Chess by using guile and gimble in the wabes. At last Chess was in the hands of the world's first Insane Master. He twisted it and made of it such a maze as no person would ever undestand again.

The Knight lost control of Chess when someone (Euwe know who) introduced him to an alcoholic drink called Fianchetto (which is Italian for slanty).

Then the world blew up!

After the world blew up the Soviet Union reinvented Chess. The greatest tournament in the universe was held which included chess players so powerful that just looking at them raised your rating 100 points. It also had some lesser known clowns. Sammy Re-shaved-ski, Vaseline Smile-Soft, Euwe know who (a.k.a. Euwe to the MAX) were all Fine but Reuben wasn't. Reuben was too busy writing a thousand chess books. As for the other players, who Keres?

They all lost to the world's first chess-bot: All-Hail Bot-Vinnik! Botty invented a new hobby that nobody else on Earth (or even under it) wanted to pursue. It was called losing the World Chess Championship. Victory Scorched-Noise had a similar hobby called not winning the World Chess Championship.

Smile-Soft and some Tall Magician were having a lot of fun playing keep-away with Botty's title until some dire Fischerman came and took it away.

The Soviet Union was stunned! So they made a new rule: Good chess players have to have names beginning with a "K" and ending with 'off.'

Now the chess world was ruled only by K people like Karp-off, Kasper-off, Krammit-nik-off, Khalifman-nik-off, Kasimdzhan-off (the main reason people hope Nigel Short wins is so they won't have to spell these names), Gotta Kamski-off, and Vishy Kanand-off.

Rustling Pomegranate-off and Vaseline Top-it-off said that having an 'off' at the end of you name was enough. They were wrong.

FIDE tried its best to destroy chess by charging too much money for keeping track of everyone's rating (A REALLY hard job! No really! Have you seen the calculations? Thanks a lot Glicko.) Then everyone logged into chess.com and chess was saved.

***I would like to thank the insane person who wrote "The Capsule History of Chess" in the Fireside Book of Chess. They are to blame for inspiring me.***

wow thats was a lot of fun .... hope patrick was here

a lot of writing