Victor Goldfish is my favorite chess reporter. I hope to see more of his work in the future, and hope he gets paid well since he owes me money. Hear that Goldfish. It's a blessing to pay back your debts...Goldfish, are you out there?
third annual Super Grandmaster Tournament in Hamden
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Ready for a Nosh: News from the third annual Super Grandmaster Tournament in Hamden
By Victor Goldfish, professional reporter for the Associated Wire Service
I caught up with Grandmaster Jorglchub Naschvillchaminchupuk, aka Nosh, after the first round of the third annual Super Grandmaster Roast Duck Tournament in Hamden, Connecticut. The Grandmaster played his first round against prodigy, Ho Li, aka the Ho, who at age 8 is the youngest Grandmaster in history. The sensational Ho Li, a favorite of grandmothers worldwide, was upset by Nosh’s unexpected use of the infamous Lue’s defense. The Lue’s defense has not been seen in Grandmaster play in over fifty years, but Nosh’s innovative 8… Nc8 ripped apart young Li’s Queenside plans, causing Ho Li to hold his breath in protest. The game ended in Ho Li losing consciousness before he was able to offer his response.
Nosh was on his way to lunch, and at first didn’t want to grant this reporter an interview, but I offered to pick up the tab so he changed his mind. Nosh ordered a bowl of soup, tuna fish on rye, fries, coca cola, ice cream, a bottle of beer, and pizza to go (all on me), and here is what he had to say:
Me: I appreciate your talking to me Grandmaster Naschvillch—Naschvill—Nosh.”
Nosh: You’re paying, right?
Me: Yes.
Nosh: Waiter!
Me: So you must be very proud having defeated the Tournament favorite, Ho Li.
Nosh (to waiter): I’ll start with a bowl of onion soup, a tuna on rye with pickles, side order fries and a coke. Ice cream for desert, and when I’m done, a beer and a pizza to go. (Turning to me) Are you having anything?
Me: A glass of water.
Nosh: Go ahead, order something. It’s on you.
Me: I already ate.
Nosh: Okay then, a glass of water for my friend here. So what were you saying? Beating the Ho? He was unprepared.
Me: But your innovation, 8…Nc8 was sheer brilliance.
Nosh: It was? I was hung over from a party last night, and thought we were still setting up the pieces for a game of FisherRandom.
Me: That’s amazing.
Nosh: Did you know that two thirds of chess brilliancies are accidents?
Me: That can’t be true.
Nosh: It can’t? I read it in a chess.com article. So you think chess.com would fib? Nonsense.
The food came and Nosh refused to speak till he was finished eating. I sipped my water. Nosh dribbled a lot while he ate, so I turned the other way. After he was done, I resumed the interview.
Me: Are you ready for more questions, Grandmaster?
Nosh: Sure, why not. Question away. (he belches)
Me: Have you prepared any special openings for your game with Champion Vishy Anand tomorrow?
Nosh: Yes, yes. I will surprise him with the French Defense, the Stalin Variation.
Me; But you’re playing white.
Nosh: That’s the surprise.
Me: I don’t understand.
Nosh: Listen, you’re not a grandmaster. You can’t possibly understand anything. Enough with the questions. Do you know of any parties tonight? Connecticut is a bit dull so far. It’s no Luxembourg, I’ll tell you. Maybe I’ll drive into New York City and hit a few bars.
Me: Don’t you need to rest up for tomorrow’s big game.
Nosh: I’ll rest after the game. Life is short. Ah, here’s my pizza. Leave a tip.
Nosh gets up and leaves.
Clearly, some amazing insights into one of the great chess minds of the last few years. Tomorrow, my interview with 8-year-old Grandmaster Ho Li. I will be showing up with a pack of Pokemon cards, and a list of more questions that will delve into another Grandmaster’s mind. Until then—no news is good news. This is Victor Goldfish hoping you all win at your next game of chess (which of course is impossible since half of you must lose).