Blood and Violence: How chess saved my life.

Generally speaking people do not associate chess with violence or blood.

If you ever take the R train and get off at Elmhurst Park on 57th avenue in Queens that might very well change.

I once played one of those typical old park dudes there, all dressed up in the same wrinkled dirty clothes they've been all dressed up in for the last two weeks. Odd colored stains of unknown origin on a thread bare jacket with small lumps of unhappy looking solid matter sticking to it and a feint yet over powering smell of cat pee. Hair wispy and unkept, stuck to the scalp by grease and sheer determination. Nervous beady eyes that can't focus on your face or anything else and finger nails as yellow and dirty as his teeth.

There are rules to playing these guys, greetings and niceties are seen as a direct insult and is treated with suspicion and hostility.

Never talk, never offer one of your smokes but most importantly you should know winning two games in a row will be seen and treated on par with a mugging.

I'll admit I was slightly drunk that particular evening so when the guy called me a ' &$€*^% son of a &@&$$'s $&&*^% eater' after my second win I actually thought it was quite funny and laughed.

Laughing is the other thing you should never do. Ever.

The guy just made a weird animal-like gurgling sound and that was the only warning I had before he lunged at me.

It all happened so slowly as is always the case in a fight.

I saw him reach for me, noticed for the first time he had two odd colored buttons on his coat, wondered if I should get something to eat before going home and then his hands were around my throat.

I couldn't head butt him and so I went for good old number two which is a swift knee to the groin. He deftly moved aside and I kneed the concrete park table behind him with full force.The pain that shot through my knee took my breath away and I was totally off balance as he landed a good crisp left hook that took me solid on the jaw. I was down on one knee now with blood running from my mouth, someone screamed and someone else was filming the whole thing. I was not about to end up on youtube without a fight. So when the guy tried to soccer kick my head clear into Jackson Heights I leaned back at the last milli-second , he missed and I did a single leg take down on him. My knee was so bad I had to really focus on not throwing up from the pain. Once on the ground I went for side control which he was pretty pathetic at defending and he gave me an easy arm bar. With his arm now broken the playing field was evened out but he was not out of the fight yet, I needed to end the fight quickly and decisively. Luckily for me there was rook lying on the ground and I beat him in the face with it repeatedly until he tapped out and I could finally puke in peace adding more stains to his coat.

Normally people become friends after a good fight but this mean old SOB turned out to be a 67 year old war vet so he was pretty much set in his ways and we parted enemies. This was my second fight with a war vet. Won both.

I have avoided Queens ever since but on that day chess saved my life.

I'm glad you managed to make it through such an encounter mostly okay, at least physically. This is one more clear example of why I avoid any and all social interaction I can afford to avoid, and the better part of that which I cannot afford to. From the safety of my own computer, potentially thousands of miles away form my opponent and with only my own odors to encourage or dissuade me, I have magnitudes greater time to respond to any aggressive physical act--nearly enough to dodge it, as I'm really not a fighter at all.

But that's another story.

My sympathy Duck, sore losers are such a pain. 

You beat him with a rook?!

Yes, the crenelations on a rook is highly effective as it causes quite severe lacerations to the skin resulting in quite a bit of blood loss , it hardly ever fails to demoralize your opponent when playing chess.

Well, a knight would have been insufficient material to win with.

Very good description of the events.

But there is something dubious.

It is hard for me imagine a rook lying on the ground and big enough to help someone in a fight.

Can you make a drawing or give more details?

Old chess players are dangerous, they have nothing to lose which is why they grow beards and reek of garlic or booze all the time. You show me a titled player that is not a dangerous,irrational and unkept bum by the age of 65 and I will show you a guy that gave up chess in his 50's.

Indeed! 

Marco...You hold the base of the rook tighly in you hand ice pick style i.e. so the base is clasped between your palm and last two fingers furthest away from the thumb then you beat down hammer fist style until the guy taps out.

Why does clenching your buttocks feel so damn good? Anyone?

Well... Nice. I will try to remember it and if someday I need to use a rook in a fight, I will try.

But I think some Jiu-Jitsu or Aikido techniques are more effective.

Which is why I armbared him but war vets often respond in curious and unexpected ways to broken bones which is why I rely on punching more.

I think these chess pieces are better for fights, lol:

Also aikido is for sissies and does not work in real life situations. Plus it is for sissies.

Aikido should be counted in with such pursuits as Yoga, but even then the former isn't nearly as good of an excuse as the latter to accidentally fart in public.

I'm not sure. I forgot how to unclench mine. They're very powerful, meaty muscles and its no surprise we eat that part of other animals, as my whole 'grip and pry' strategy just left me hungry.

Shame that you were not able to land that headbutt. Nothing more satisfying than blood running down your nose that doesn't belong to you.

Sounds like he was a slippery old devil. Ground warfare was always the winning move. Kind of like queening a pawn.

Dubious-Duck, I am very very very worried about this sentence you wrote:

"I couldn't head butt him and so I went for good old number two which is a swift knee to the groin. He deftly moved aside and I kneed the concrete park table behind him with full force."

It is hard for me imagine how can a guy move aside from a attack with a knee. You both were too close.

See the snapshot below: how can one guy move aside from this??? It is too close!!

I never leave my house unless I have a utility knife or a box cutter in my pocket. If anybody wants to muck around they had better be mentally and spiritually prepared for a trip to the hospital emergency room because they will be leaving a trail of dime sized droplets in their wake.