"...found some booze left in a wine bottle in the neighbor's trash..."
WHICH NEIGHBOR??
And, when is Trash Day?
Excuses, excuses
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I just need to make sure that anyone who plays me understands that if they beat me, it's not because they're better than me.
If you've "beaten" me in the past, I think it's obvious as to why:
1. I don't have as much time as you do.
Good grief, if you beat me, you must have studied the board for hours, whereas I only have time to "glance" at the board and make a a quick off-hand move. I have a life and it doesn't have time for long periods of staring at a chess board.
2. Because I play so many games, I forgot what your last move was.
Of course I lost, there are 32 chess pieces and 64 squares and I don't have time to replay every possible move in my head. Yes, there's a button I could have clicked to see what the last move was, but, unlike you, I have a life full of distractions and pressing issues, I don't have time to click on the back button. And, to be fair, you probably know that when you do that, it's kind of cheating. So when you casually attacked my queen with your pawn and I then castle, and then you take my queen, that's on you.
3. I don't cheat.
While I, with my busy schedule, don't have much time for board games, that means I don't have time to run a computer program and input our position and cheat by getting a chess computer to give me the best possible move. Since you beat me, that probably means you had more time and thus had time to cheat by getting help, whether from a computer or perhaps a whole "team" of you and your chess club buddies gathering around a chess board all debating the next move.
4. I was winning until the very end, when I gave away the game.
Obviously I was winning until I made a move that "threw the game away." In other words, until I threw away my queen (or position) for no reason, until that point, I was winning on some deep level that you couldn't understand.
5. My screen is smaller than yours.
It'd be great if I had a giant monitor like you do, but I have to play 'on the go' in the rain while I'm driving in complicated traffic. To make my moves on my very small phone, I have to glance over to the passenger seat, or sometimes passenger floor-board to squint and see the board. To be honest, I have trouble making out the pieces and have to guess.
6. I'm not a full paying member to Chess.com
I think I was told that full diamond members to Chess.com get one "take back" move per game. As I don't have this advantage, it allows you to see my strategy and "take back" one or a few moves. I don't think this is fair. Also, I believe Chess.com warns premium members when they are about to make a mistake. It's something I have to live with as a non-paying player on this site.
7. Tricks.
I try not to use "tricks" in chess, such as obscure openings that no one knows about and gives you an advantage early in the game. You might want to consider the morality of what you are doing.
I play fair. Why don't you just go rob a bank?
7b. I don't "hope you don't see my plan".
I think it's shameful that many players scheme and "plan" moves and hope I am too stupid to see it. That's like wishing retardation on a fellow human being. Why don't you just burn down a school?
8. I have a girl friend who needs my physical attention.
Well, I don't, but some day I might and that would be an additional reason I lost these games, I have to choose between chess or sex with a beautiful lady. I mean, that's possible, so, it counts. You don't know that I don't, so, that's on the table.
9. I'm tired, drunk, etc.
I have special reasons why I'm not up to full concentration. I stayed up all night or found some booze left in a wine bottle in the neighbor's trash, so, nothing I could do about that, not frosty like you must be.
If you have any additional excuses I can borrow, anything other than just admitting I'm a lousy player no matter how much I focus, no matter how much time I spend, if you have any additional excuses I could borrow, please post below so I never have to look in the mirror and face reality.
[[[[[ for the record, it's a joke. Chess.com doesn't give advantages to premium players, so far as I know anyway, and don't go burn down a school, that's a code violation in some cities. ]]]]]]]]]]