I've heard a lot of conflict here. Some people say you have to play nine FIDE-rated players while others say three. Can anyone resolve this?
FIDE Ratings

What are the requirements for getting a FIDE rating?
You need to enter an official FIDe rated tournament and play 9 games.

So it sounds like if you get the first three games out of the way, if you lose the next two you'd be better off losing the third than drawing.

Ok, so I have the first three FIDE games where you have to get a certain amount. So from there, if I were to, hypothetically, play in a tournament with two fide players, then play one more in another tournament, and scored at least .5 among them, three more games would be counted? But if from there I play three more people with a fide rating, and lose all three, you are saying my clock gets reset and I have to start from the beginning again?
In any event, I cannot imagine who conjured up this unfathomable process just to have a rating
Do you have to pay FIDE fees? Because I've been in one FIDE rated tournament. It shows my name, my birth year, and that I've played 5 games but shows no stats other than I won one, drew one, and lost three.

Individuals do not pay FIDE fees nor can individuals join FIDE , federations do . You normally have to play a minimum of 9 FIDE rated games ( and dont lose all of them ) to get your first FIDE rating. However, you have to play a min of 3 in any given event for them to count . ( a block of games ) The min used to be 4 and FIDE lowered it to 3 years ago and it may have changed again , I dont know.

Ok, thanks for clearing that up. If that 1 year thing exists, that could be tough for me, because I rarely get the opportunity to play a lot of FIDE rated games. Hopefully I'll manage to squeeze in enough of them.

I didnt get a FIDE rating until moving to Europe . I played 25 years in the US and didnt have enough FIDE rated games to get a rating. I only played in the southeast where fide rated tournies were/are very rare .
These appear to be the rules
8.2 | Determining the Rating 'Ru' in a given event of a previously unrated player. | ||||||
8.21 |
If an unrated player scores less than 1 point, or he plays fewer than 3 rated opponents in his first rated event, his score is disregarded. In the subsequent events all results, even a zero score, or fewer than 3 games against rated players, are accumulated to his initial ranking. (See 8.3)
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8.22 | If he scores 50%, then Ru = Ra | ||||||
8.23 |
If he scores more than 50%, then Ru = Ra + 15 for each half point scored over 50% |
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8.24 |
If he scores less than 50% in a Swiss or team tournament: Ru = Rc + dp |
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8.25 | If he scores less than 50% in a round-robin: Ru = Ra + dp x n/(n+1). | ||||||
8.3 | The Rating Rn which is to be published for a previously unrated player is then determined as if the new player had played all his games so far in one tournament. The initial rating is calculated using the total score against all opponents. | ||||||
8.31 | Where a player’s first result(s) is less than the FIDE rating floor at the time of the event, the result(s) is ignored. | ||||||
8.32 | Rn for the FIDE Rating list (FRL) is rounded off to the nearest 1 or zero. 0.5 is rounded up. | ||||||
8.33 | Only Rn ≥ the FIDE rating floor at the time of the event, are considered. | ||||||
8.34 |
Example: An unrated player has played 3 games in a tournament against rated players with average rating of 2220, score 1/3; then in another tournament 5 games against rated players with the average of 2150, score 3/5; and then in a third tournament 4 games against rated players with average rating 2200, score 2½/4. |

Events involving norms for FIDE titles require a FIDE or International Arbiter , I dont know about events that are just to get a FIDE rating . Also a FIDE rated event must follow FIDE rules , which are not the same as USCF rules .
For the event which starts the clock:
there must be 3 FIDE rated opponents;
you must score 1 point or more (in the event, not against those particular 3 opponents); and
your result (for the tournament, I think) must be above "the FIDE rating floor at the time of the event" (article 8.31).
After that the clock is never re-set.
No sign of a 1 year or two year time limit (but there may be a rule about that hiding elsewhere).

If it's a swiss, the 8 games against rated players count.
If it's a round-robin, all 9 games count.
last year I played in a round-robin where 8 players were rated, and 1 unrated. However one of the rated players withdrew halfway through the tournament and fillers from a different tournament replaced him; as everybody did not play everybody it did not count as a round-robin and my game vs the unrated player was therefore not rated.

I'll see if I can puzzle out the "FIDE rating floor" thing.
For the first event, at least 3 games must be played with at least 1 point, and with a rating performance of 1001 or more.
However for the future tournaments I don't think there is a floor for the rating performance for each individual event, although the rating performance for all of the games combined must be 1001 or more to get a rating.
I have found some more rules.
http://www.arbitriscacchi.com/regolamenti/B02.pdf
Unless changed since 2008 (and subject to confirming the authenticity of the arbitriscacchi.com document) there is a time limit as follows
"The condition of a minimum of 9 games need not be met in one tournament: results from other events, played within rating periods of not more than two years, are pooled to obtain the initial rating."
Not too sure about the "rating period". It will probably have to do with when the first results are submitted and the six dates in each callendar year when ratings changes (and new ratings) are required to be published.
Not sure yet about "FIDE rating floor" but piphilologist's experience may give a clue about that. I'll have another look when I've played some moves.
Moves played. Returning to this:
I have found a chessbase report saying that from July this year the FIDE rating floor is 1000.
http://www.chessbase.com/newsdetail.asp?newsid=8290
What are the requirements for getting a FIDE rating?