grandmaster secrets--how explain chess to patzers?

One difficulty of my being a grandmaster is so many patzers ask me how to play chess and not knowing the basics, I don't know where begin with them.

the first step of teaching patzer chess is teaching them how pieces move. after that, you have to explain to them concepts such as controlling center and what-not. but since they do not know the basics, it all flies over their heads.

Most patzers are unteachable. If patzer, then patzer forever.

Well, you are just NOT a good teacher.  Just admit it.  ;)

Patzer today, patzer tomorrow.

And BTW, you are being racist toward Russians by saying I ain't a good teacher!

yes, I weep to think of it.

since this account was name changed only chess.com will only , allow just one name change, NO MATTER WHAT- I will in fact be a patzer forever  and ever and ever.

its very sad. my friend.

some Russian poet ought to write an ode about me.

thegreat_patzer pranced

as it turned out he danced

doomed forever and ever!

to be a patzer forever!

I am not talking about you.  I was just referring to newengland7.  Definately not you. 

that sounded like a combination of pushkin and lemontov.

Bravo!!!

To be clear, what is the rating of patzer? At what rating does one become a non-patzer?

I agree. " If patzer, then patzer forever." Most beginners-intermidiate are so dumb and agressive, all they know is how to make single threat on every move. Patzers sees a check, patzer give a check.

if you have to ask, your still a patzer.

one day, if your really lucky, santa claus or something comes - you start winning everything- and "poof"

you're not a patzer! or...

so they say.....

as expressed in the 'great tragic Russian ode' I will never know what it is like to NOT be a patzer

So, no one has dared to give a rating at which point a player becomes a non-patzer?!!!

no.

its not a rating. its a mindset.  perhaps an insult....

I think of it like the word "amateur"- technically it means unpaid, but to many it means more like someone who treats the game as a hobby, than as a occupation.

patzer means a weak player. 

Word patzer got less insulting, now GM's says that they can play like patzers. For example 2800+ rated  MVL #2 In da world currently,  wrote that he is chess patzer on his twitter.

If i have to say when you are no longer patzer - you have to :

1. No more hanging stuff just like that vs weaker-equal players.

2. You have to have some kind of technik , to win winning position and to draw little worse position. Piece harmony. Learn that Bishop + Knight checkmate already!!!

3. You have to create something from nothing - tactical shot, prepare and make attacking combination ; To be able to play positional game, to spot weakness etc. To avoid your own weakness and holes..Understand pawn structures, openings..

4. Even title players says they dont know what is going on some positions, but you definetely have to minimize this and always know and have a plan. I was in shock when i watched Banter blitz videos from 2750 rated super GM Peter Svidler and he said numerous times he dont know that opening or dont know what to do... Even 2800+ Rated GM Caruana just recently on twitch stream played and said he dont recognize this opening .. Unbelievable..

5. To have some overall knowledge about classical games or Grand Masters.

6. Winning on time should not be your main weapon. 

7. You have to be at certain rating. While a club , tournament player is around 1600 thats really high compared to normal average human and well above average, but is not enough. I think 2000 is good looking number and can safety say you know something about chess, even you are not that strong and can blunder horrible, you should be pretty strong and knowing a lot of patterns, opening theory etc. I heard a lot of times that IM and GM's says players around 2000 level are very easy to beat but they forget that they are super strong already...

8. I think you have to have for sure some wins vs master players and even  GM's. Blitz counts. And around 2000 level you should be able to beat an IM or GM once in a while.

Congratiolation, after hard work and study you finally succeded and you are no longer patzer, but increddible strong player in eyes of average one. Heck you can even give a piece odds to a 1500 rated player and still win. That's something.

Yep, 2000 rating is good and definitely non-patzer. I think a patzer means absolute beginner. So, I would rate a patzer around 1100 in blitz and 1300 in rapid and 1500 in standard.

Lol i have seen players 2300+ call themself patzers on this site no need to teach them how the pieces move

You are right with your comment above, I consider myself a patzer too even though I have the second lowest title. I dont consider myself a master because of that low title. Anyway while you do the same with dragons I am more into slaying hot girls, that often is harder to pull off than finding a winning combination in chess. I think the main problem with patzers is that they dont understand how the game works, they play moves randomly without knowledge. They need to see a chess game as a constant struggle between the 2 players in which both try to put the opponent under new problems with every single move. It is a fight in which both players need to use every resource to win. In the opening both players set up their forces for the upcoming battle which occurs in the middlegame. The endgame can be seen as the cleanup or finish of the game where one side takes the win home although sometimes it is equal till the endgame and the game ends in a draw. Good players dont make moves because they have to, they make moves that can win them the game.

So you're calling me a patzer?

Where? You got your interpretation skills in Hogwards from Mister Snape?