How to cheat at OTB chess

Any tips? I have a big rated tournament but I don't have clothes with sleeves to hide extra pieces in. Also lots of players there are wise to the "j'adoube trick" so I can't do that.

I've considered slipping away to the bathroom and opening up a chess engine, but it'll look suspicious if I do it every time there's a critical position in the game.

I don't think the mods will find your thread to be funny.
At the very least they will lock this thread and ban you for spamming the forums. 

Practice and training perhaps?

Please don't troll my thread. I want serious tips.

the best way to cheat is to not cheat. Honestly, to me cheaters are stupid and deserve no respect in any way. Assuming you're some kid I will stop now.