Fixing chess-based depression

I'm not wondering if I have depression or not. I know that I do have it on a neurotic level only (which has been properly diagnosed by professionals), mostly due to chess-unrelated reasons, and I do know that only a handful of losses (maybe, like, just one or two?) ever felt good due to the perceived level of strength balance between me and my opponent. All of the others just hurt, and it doesn't seem worth it... at least not yet.

What I'm asking is, how do I maximise my happiness through playing chess? Over the past ten years, I've been honing my skills first on Chess.com and then elsewhere, where I'm currently fluctuating between 1800 and 1900 points. If playing better can help me feel happier, then I need a way to progress better than before. I almost always play higher-rated opponents, and I've never ever had more wins than losses.

Is there a way for me to acquire so many good victories that I start genuinely feeling better about myself, at least in terms of chess skill? I'm afraid that the more I win, the more those wins will be pointless, and that I'll be stuck in perpetual lack of satisfaction chess-wise. Maybe it isn't about winning more and losing more closely? I don't know.

Bottom line, I play rapid chess only, and I refuse to find a coach, but I can read books if I believe that they're absolutely right and wholesome enough for me, and I can solve tactics if the given free trainer programme doesn't treat me like crap whenever I don't optimise perfectly, else I won't have the will to put up with the virtual humiliation without getting some understandable lines in place of the disgusting engine ones (up yours, Chesstempo, you absolute twit). After all, I've also got a lack of energy due to the depression I'm fighting every now and then, with no positive energy spikes anywhere in sight ever. What should I do with the aforementioned goal in mind?

...Okay, anyone who isn't an active part of this IMBacon "highjacking" situation? I'm not even just venting, I genuinely want to know the answer to my questions here.

He seems to be gone now...

Maybe if you ask yourself that question one of the solution would be to stop playing for a while or play less.

That's very possible, provided I've got some hope about continuing it sometime soon... One of the most annoying (to put it mildly) things about depression is, one's much more prone to fatigue. Kasparov famously said that the ability to work hard for days on end without losing focus is a talent, but whether one has it or not, it cannot be put to use if depression stands in its way, and that makes exploring the possibility of possessing said talent immeasurably more difficult and uneconomic. One moment you might feel an obsessive drive to improve, and the next moment - poof, that pull motivation shatters and evaporates in an instant. It's not like there's a league for depressed chess players only, where your playing strength can be fairly and accurately assessed proportionately to your ailment. As per the rules, you'd probably HAVE to be doped with antidepressants in order to compete! And what if you've only got dysthymia?

To be perfectly clear, I have attended CBT+ psychotherapy for about 4,5 years now, I've gotten rid of my OCD very early on since then, and I have never ever even taken an antidepressant, nor do I support doping, strictly speaking... but I've still got weak spots when it comes to certain disciplines in which I have high expectations of myself, and while that in itself is not even necessarily pathological, I'm tired of only having a master's degree for a job that I don't want to do, in a discipline I'm very good at but not quite at a world-class level, with results that I have problems ascribing to myself due to the fact that I've only ever been hard-working while under other people's pressure to succeed.

I want to be stellar at something I truly LOVE doing, and I unashamedly want to feel dominant and powerful and superior to others through that exceptional prowess, and while I don't think I possess a great chess talent, much less an exceptional one, for the longest time (upward of ten years now) it has been one of the very rare things to pull me back to itself again and again. It's by no means a noble call of the aesthetics only, it also beckons me to grind any other person's inferior mental faculties under the heel of my bloodlust-driven power.

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. I know a handful of chess books which are always interesting to me, even if they won't directly help me improve my game. I hope I can find some of that pure love for chess in the book you recommended.

I cannot speak for you but I always feel happy after playing a nice, cute game where I just play well, don't make bad mistakes, find a neat combination or even sacrifice something, it doesn't matter too much if I lose afterwards just knowing that I achieved a personal, tiny masterpiece of my own. I hope this helps.

I don't know that anyone can come up with a better solution than you than yourself. Only you know what it is about chess that you enjoy, and only you know best how to manage your depression.

It could be that chess is not the game for you and perhaps you want to try out something else instead. It could be that chess is exactly the game for you but your mental health is not letting you enjoy it properly and you need to find a way to manage the two together.

I can say though that from your posts it seems like you want to win and dominate and that this is the important part for you. I'd say that you're unlikely to find happiness with a game if that is all it is to you. You should enjoy chess for the gameplay and not just the wins, because if it's only about winning you'll likely never be happy with it as there will likely always be someone ahead of you.

Depression is a serious, disabling illness. There is no shame in trying SSRIs. They have helped many people. Sometimes therapy alone is not enough, when brain neurochemistry refuses to cooperate.

All of this has nothing to do with chess. One of the main symptoms of depression, as I'm sure you know, is inability to enjoy activities. Depression is preventing you from enjoying chess, and changing your approach to chess won't fix that. You need to flip the cause and effect. Good luck. 

Ignorant comment. If anything "real" depression has no root cause.

Yes, thanks for going to wikipedia bro. I meant root cause in terms of a life event as you posted earlier. Either way dismissing someone's depression because you don't think it's justified by a "real" problem is ignorant.

I would not say that I have a depression of sorts but sure, playing and losing at chess can be depressing. Wanting to improve and not improving can be depressing too. I, too, have spent a decade playing with little to show. And I even have my own recent thread about it, check it out... https://www.chess.com/forum/view/general/i-wasted-10-years-on-chess

The thing is though, that I realize that my "efforts" have not been enough. Chess is NOT something that you can just automatically get better at by just (or mostly) playing - I suppose some people can but they're only a tiny minority. To get better at chess, you will have to STUDY!!

And study a lot you must. Doing with the computer, videos, and books. Only a tremendously hard work will help you improve. There's a saying in the gym - train insane or remain the same. Same thing goes for chess!

Now, to study a lot, you will need to normalize your life first. Maybe taking a break from chess will help. Make sure your life, work, and study time are balanced. Make sure you are internally at peace. It's easier said than done, but, I believe, it is a MUST!!

Now, the way I look at it - you see, I've made a lot of mistakes. Both in Life and at the chessboard. One thing I learned is that the first step is to NOT repeat the same mistakes over and over and over again. I've been taking the time to normalize my real life so that I can spend more time on chess. Financial security, peace, quiet, and freedom. I decided to never marry and/or have kids because it entails many risks and is a lot of work. The World is what it is, we can fight to make it better or we can adjust ourselves to how it is and do our best for ourselves. I chose the latter path. It took a lot of thinking and realizations to come to these conclusions (and that is part of the mgtow philosophy and lifestyle). And now that I am at peace, I can concentrate on myself, my hobbies, and get better. I have no illusions though - the time that has been wasted cannot be brought back. Still, one can manage to adjust and do his best - we still have the rest of our lives!

Last but not the least point I wanna make is that you also need to appreciate the fact how strong you already are. Appreciate your innate potential and strength. You are from Serbia, a country whose people have seen a lot of tough situations and therefore people have become tougher. So give yourself the credit for your toughness and know that you are stronger than it may sometimes seem. Appreciate your inner strength, adjust to the outside pressures and circumstances to maximize that strength and relentlessly work hard towards achieving your potential. Good luck!

These sort of problems are easily fixed with by a kit-kat bar , you know, the ones that slide underneath locked doors.