I understand you're joking and all but actually originally the "queen" was called advisor, general, or top minister. In fact to this day in many languages queen is a male. Best illustration of this is Russian language where chess terminology is partly borrowed from Persians. Queen is called "Ferz" or Ferzier, which is a version of the word originating from Vizier. It's like that villain (Jafar?) in Disney's Aladdin. I think he is like the general and strategist, while the "king" is either the patriarch, pope, mullah, maybe grand mufti. The king may not be the most qualified but has the hereditary or religious right to rule, while advisor/queen has actual strategic and political knowledge.
In Chinese chess to this day they have two "queens" in their pre European form. They're called ministers. They stay in the square area to which king is limited and they function as king's bodyguards. They never go further than one square from the king.
Read the following article about Nero and Sporus:
https://www.academia.edu/7087010/Nero_and_Sporus
Now, I illustrate this...
If a pawn is initially a foot-soldier then it is male so making it a queen is only right in the likes of Nero Caesar!
Fast-forward to the Middle Ages when chess began to become popular--in this time period most people forbade this wicked practice of castration! They created knights and bishops to aspire to instead for men! Men no longer wanted to become queens.
So leave chess in the Middle Ages and only allow pawns to promote to bishops and knights! LIKE THE GLORIOUS MIDDLE AGE PATTERN OF CLASS!