Stuff Non-Chess Players Say

*Edit, by yours truly, dragonair: Thank you for 1,000,000+ views on this thread and for everyone's thoughtful comments!*

*Another edit by me: Please do not exchange rude comments to one another on this thread. If you have an issue with someone then you can message them privately to resolve it. If I see a disturbance of the peace, I will just block usernames from this thread without trying to intervene. This is your warning. Be respectful of the community.

Let's see........ if you can add more please do  I was going to make a post (edited to Stuff)ChessPlayersSay but then I thought this would be even better

-So, like, are you really great at chess

-Have you been to, like, tons and tons of tournaments

-Have you ever played timed chess

-Do you know the name of like, all the best chess players in the history of chess

-Are you paranoid about having your chess pieces perfectly centered in each square

-What if I copied the exact same moves you made for the entire game, what would happen

-Can I promote my pawn to a pawn, or can I promote it to a king to have two kings

-Is it at all possible to promote all my pawns to queens

-How does my castle move

-Is that a bishop or a knight... oh it's a rook okay 

-(5 seconds later) what's this piece 

-Why can this bishop only move on white squares and that one only moves on black squares

-Can the horse move there, can it move there, there, there

-Can you teach me how to get really good at chess

-Can you teach me how to checkmate someone in 5 moves

-Want me to teach you Fool's Mate

-Why can't the pawn take there

-I thought this piece was the king

-Why did you move the king and rook at the same time, you didn't tell me you could do that, that's not fair move it back

-Everyone's better at chess than me

-Mind if I watch your game, I don't want to play, I just want to watch, I'm just watching

-Haha it looks like checkers

-I bet you'd be a master at checkers

Poe apparently knew how to play chess and didn't like the game so I think it's reasonable to conclude he was a non-chess player.

The best chess-player in Christendom may be little more than the best player of chess; but proficiency in whist implies capacity for success in all these more important undertakings where mind struggles with mind. EDGAR ALLAN POE

I hereby take occasion to assert that the higher powers of human intellect are more decidedly and more usefully tasked by the unostentations game of Draughts, than by all the elaborate frivolity of Chess. In the latter, where the pieces have different and bizarre motions, with various and variable values, what is only complex is mistaken (a not unusual error) for what is profound.   EDGAR ALLAN POE

Life's too short for chess HENRY JAMES

Dude,I can play chess too.Wanna learn how to hack?Let me teach ya.-Said by my friend who hasn't a clue about chess.

What are you playing? Is that like Draughts? (True story, asked by group of Jamaicans)

How many moves can you see ahead?

I have a friend who can checkmate you in 4 moves!

The third one is a classic~!

You= "Haha. He/She must be some kind of master or something then, right?"

Non Chess Player= "Yeah!"

shifting wood already shaped to size for kindling

"I see you're playing chest."

it's eassy to checkmate in 4 moves, did you know that you can do it in 3 moves?

"Hurry up and make your move, you take forever."  lol

I noticed novices and beginners tend to be impatient and lack the concept of tactics.  

I've seen people come to a restaurant that has a chess club, go into the area where the club is, and say any or all of the following:

"You know you can not beat me bro!"

"Chess, isn't that just like checkers?"

"Are you any good at it?"

"What's your rank?"

"I heard you say castling to the other guy, what is that?  Moving the castle somehow?"

"...Moving the Castle somehow?" LOL 

When I am at a coffeeshop studying with a board in front to play out moves from a game --- "Hey, so who's winning?"

ROFL

Oh dear god. I hear that one all too often.

*someone has me in check, I take the piece* "Hey! You can't take when you're in check!"

Another good one I've heard is "Hey! You can't castle after your King's been in check already!"

Hey,you play chess right?Can you beat Anand.1 of my teachers asked me this.

LOL!  Tell him yes!  It's like football, "Any Given Sunday!"

I actually wanted to say something like that,but was too shocked.So he just walked away not understanding why.

"Why did you do that?"

"I'll play a game against you!" (after my move) "Can I do this?  What about this?"

(When white at start of game) "Why do you get to go first?  Let's flip a coin to see who gets to go first!"

(When black at start of game) "How do we pick who goes first?  Wanna flip a coin for it?"

"How good do you play?" (They could at least learn proper grammar before asking me that.)

"Can you teach me to play?"

(If you agree to teach someone to play) "How does this move again?"  "Why are you moving the tiny things to the middle?"

(If you decline to teach someone to play) "Why not?  I'm not dumb. It can't be too different from checkers!"