Things new chess players say

Even after a person learns how the pieces move, erroneous interpretations of the special moves (castling, en passant, promotion) and half-baked strategical ideas seem to persist for a while. This leads to some humorous situations, especially when the novice confidently "corrects" more experienced players about these matters. Please submit your anecdotes here...

While studying chemistry at Florida State University in the late 90's, I got to know a physics professor named Saul who played expert-level chess. Although Saul enjoyed playing blitz, he mainly preferred to look over the latest published games of the super-GMs. One day as Saul peacefully examined an Invanchuk-Shirov game on his chess set at the local cafe, he was challenged by a very large member of the FSU football team (American football -- the kind where 300-pound brutes pummel you into the ground). Saul is a friendly guy, and would normally be willing to coach a novice, but this challenger had a very bad attitude, so Saul politely declined the offer. But the football player was very insistent, becoming increasingly agitated. Saul finally relented, hoping the guy would lose quickly and go away. Not surprisingly, the first blitz game ended much quicker than the challenger expected, and not the way he wanted, but this was just a "fluke", so the challenger demanded a second chance. Then a third. While the football player sat dazed after 3 fast crushing losses, he happened to notice that Saul had a pile of papers with chess move notation (pgn files from a recent Linares tournament). With a reddening face and bulging neck veins, the football player jumped out of his seat and furiously shouted "You've been cheating this whole time! You got your moves off those papers!!". Fortunately (probably due to the presence of witnesses), the enraged challenger stormed out of the cafe, to everyone's relief.

I dont know if he is new or this superskilled.

This was the match : http://www.chess.com/livechess/game?id=619890580

He chatted this :

NEW GAME (619890580) - jahn10 vs. brandnewgambit (3 0 rated) (win: 6, draw: -2, loss: -10)

jahn10: ur gay

jahn10: draw f@ggot

DRAW DECLINED: brandnewgambit has declined a draw

GAME OVER - jahn10 vs. brandnewgambit - brandnewgambit won by checkmate (+6). Your new blitz rating is 1193. Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

Review with opponent | Review alone

jahn10: hahahahahhaha

jahn10: u suck jahn10: hahahahhaha

jahn10: hahahahah

jahn10: u suck

jahn10: hahahahahha

jahn10: loser jahn

Funny he calls me a loser inspite of him losing this bad. I wanted to bring 7-8 knights but it was a 3 min game n i cudnt do it.

Just frustrated as there is no report button.

However, there is this : http://support.chess.com/Tickets/Submit/

(not easy to find when you're new to the site, granted)

My anecdote is not fantastic - I was playing with a friend (who is about 2000, a bit better than me) at the Cardiff train station (waiting for a third guy's train), and some guy just started looking at our game. As I was thinking for a long time about my move, he whispered 'take his rook' (the move looked like winning an exchange but actually walked into a mate in XXX). I just said 'Nah' without explaining, I didn't want to break out of focus. So the guy whispered that 'you know, a rook is better than a bishop, you really should take it'. My friend overheard it and laughed, so we showed the mate, and the guy laughed a bit awkwardly and left.

Things new players say:

"Gambits match my aggressive style."

"Pawn endgames are simple."

"I lost because (opening) is bad."

"I never resign."

"I play (insert dubious line) so that my opponent has to think and we're out of book."

"Can 1200s become GMs?"

"Pinned pieces can't capture kings!"

"My opponent is scared if he doesn't want a rematch!"

"Higher rated players than me have no lives, lower rated players than me are patzers."

"I don't study, I improve by playing blitz."

"My chess.com rating = a legitimate ELO rating to judge playing strength off of"

Can you eat the king?

@ iron tiger, my neighbours do that all that time. To whole dismay they are weaker than myself in chess. Usually 4-5 speculate n tell do this , do that which seems a good move for them but it could take us to bad position in the game. I just say shut it up till the game n sit with me for next match lol. No hard feeling we all were friends and are friends till now.

@turbo fish , i do the queen thing too n once had 5 queens with 4 queens going to exact corners for a mate , had 7 queens stopped by a rook  and mted with a pawn lol. The knight bishop stuff are inspired by hiraku nakamura >> http://www.chessgames.com/perl/chessgame?gid=1480850

"Tell me again how to do the en croissant move?"