Toxic chesslationship

I learned chess less than 5 years ago at age 23. Fell in love with it instantly and obsessed over it for almost 3 complete years, straight. Studied, played uscf tournaments, played in clubs multiple times a week- CHESS WAS EVERYTHING. But like all things, the honeymoon phase wore off, albeit lasted awhile and I am very grateful.

Now I play in spurts. I get inspired and addicted for 2-3 weeks, gain some elo, then it ultimately makes me depressed and I quit for months. I want to be better at chess. I want to love this game again. But I get extremely nihilistic about it. Why bang my head against a wall learning theory, memorizing lines and endgames, just to feel ashamed to be spending so much time on a game. I am not the type of person to just play casually or for fun, I want to win and I want to get better. But that takes EVERYTHING from me and there is no relative return in real life for chess progress. Focus, energy, time and sanity is sacrificed for what? Vanity and a sense of false accomplishment? If I were a child it's acceptable, but being 28 and dedicating your life to a game is sorta silly.

All that to say, any recommendations on falling back in love with this game. I love the game inherently, but I haven't been in love with it for awhile now. I need a change of perspective, and ego check. Whatever it may be.